[Asiablue]

The other thread about the emotionally absent mother made me think of this article i read a while back. It describes accurately what i and i am guessing a lot of others feel. Emotional hunger! I didn't even know there was a term for it, far less that therapists were aware of it and had coined a term for it!

When i read it i was like "omg, that is exactly how it feels!! and it's not just me! "

That intense drag in the pit of your stomach that radiates into your heart and makes you catch your breath, it hurts and is the loneliest feeling in the world and you actually feel desperate to fill it with something, something that will plug the vast black void that exists within. It's not there every day all the time but sometimes it just catches you unaware and it literally can stop me in my tracks until it passes. I used to ask people if they got that feeling, i called it a "homesick" feeling cos that's the closest thing i could describe it to. Like a yearning or something. Everyone is asked shook their head and looked at me like i was mad when i tried to explain it. Now i know what it is.

Please tell me i'm not alone in this feeling!

It is described below by Dr Firestone;

"Feelings of emotional hunger are deep and are like a dull but powerful aching in your insides. You may often find yourself reaching out and touching others or expressing affection and loving movements in order to attempt to kill off this aching sensation."
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...hunger-vs-love

[unaluna]

good article! that's definitely my SIL. also I relate to the emotional hunger as why I hooked up with the LTR's that I did, why it hurt so much when I tried to break them off. Until my ex gf keyed my car. That cured me of being in loved forever. us detroit girls love our cars. not kidding, something in me died that day. or was healed, not sure which.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by hankster

good article! that's definitely my SIL. also I relate to the emotional hunger as why I hooked up with the LTR's that I did, why it hurt so much when I tried to break them off. Until my ex gf keyed my car. That cured me of being in loved forever. us detroit girls love our cars. not kidding, something in me died that day. or was healed, not sure which.

What does LTR's stand for?

[unaluna]

sorry long term relationship.

[pbutton]

Hmm.. I think my mom has this problem. It caused the opposite reaction in me, just like the article said. I withhold. Interesting.

[peaches100]

Wow! Definitely see signs of emotional hunger in myself. Very accurate description of how it feels physically.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Hmm.. I think my mom has this problem. It caused the opposite reaction in me, just like the article said. I withhold. Interesting.

Yep me too Pbutton, i withhold withdraw and act indifferent. I also try to kill the pain of emotional hunger but not by reaching out, by punishing myself.

[scorpiosis37]

YES!!! That is me EXACTLY! In fact, that is precisely the feeling I've been trying to describe in T the past 2 weeks. (of course, I would change "under mothered" to "not having been mothered"). I've never been able to find any books or other people who have had my experience (nor has my T) so I feel like I'm always struggling to explain myself to others, who simply shrug in their inability to understand.

Really interesting article. It's not me (I've got other issues ), but I suspect that my mom was emotionally hungry. It's a definite possibility from what I know of her parents, and the description of the child of an emotionally hungry person fits me to a T. Unfortunately ..... In a way I was glad to read that this can be more destructive to a child than more obvious abuses. It really just messed me up royally, and 6 decades later I'm still cleaning up the mess

Wow. I never thought about my mother's overstepping of bounds as a form of emotional hunger.

[geez]

Thank you so much for posting this!!! I checked out one of his books and I can't wait to read it!! - "Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations"
Firestone, Robert W.

[minneymouse]

Thank you so much for posting this. I have felt like this all my life- for me it is an ache so bad it is physical. It's a yearning, like an itch that needs scratching, only emptier. Perhaps because of its physicality, for a while after I discovered orgasms, I thought that maybe the aching had been sexual frustration or longing. Trying to make sense, I suppose, of something that noone else talked about or made sense of. But no amount of orgasms would send the yearning away, and it's at its strongest when I'm with my family. I thought I was the only one. I thought there was something wrong with me. I tried to describe it to my previous T, but I don't think she understood. She used the image of filling it from a jug, a fountain of water pouring in. But that only addressed the hole, and not the yearning itself.

[rainbow8]

I identify with this too. My mother over-protected me and as a result I was dependent and had selective mutism. I feel that emotional hunger. I assume my Mom had that same hunger and treated me in such a way as to cause me to feel it too. I think it helps to explain the yearning I feel for my T. It's emotional hunger. I never called it that before. Thanks for the link to this article.

Yes. This. Makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing.

[Asiablue]

I didn't realise what is was until i read that article. My mother doesn't fit that particular description but she was very needy and relied on me a lot.

I'm interested to know if it's just people with " mommy-issues" that experience this yearning feeling? Or do people who never had a present father get the same feeling. Is this feeling specific to not getting something at an early age from our mothers?

[geez]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I didn't realise what is was until i read that article. My mother doesn't fit that particular description but she was very needy and relied on me a lot.

I'm interested to know if it's just people with " mommy-issues" that experience this yearning feeling? Or do people who never had a present father get the same feeling. Is this feeling specific to not getting something at an early age from our mothers?

For me I never felt attached to my mom but yearned to be attached. I was emotionally neglected. She always pushed me away unlike doting over me as the article talked about. My relationship with my dad was never good. I know he loves me but he never gave me the time of day or spent time with me. I've never felt compassion from him ever or my mother.

As for the mother vs father? Good question and I also wonder if it depends on the orientation of the child (boy vs. girl) and what relationship matters most... father to daughter vs. father to son etc..

[KazzaX]

Are you sure that feeling you are feeling isn't biologically based? IE if your body is lacking salt, you crave salt. If your body is lacking x,y or z, you crave x,y, or z.

Maybe get a medical check just in case. Maybe you have one nutrient that is low and your body is craving it.

I have no idea really, but the way you described the feeling sounded more like a physical thing to me. And emotional and physical feelings are really similar so it would be easy to just dismiss it as an emotional thing. And you wouldn't want to just go around dismissing it and end up having a stroke/heart attack/whatever later on!!

[Butterflying]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I identify with this too. My mother over-protected me and as a result I was dependent and had selective mutism. I feel that emotional hunger. I assume my Mom had that same hunger and treated me in such a way as to cause me to feel it too. I think it helps to explain the yearning I feel for my T. It's emotional hunger. I never called it that before. Thanks for the link to this article.

Your therapist will never be able to fix the emotional hunger you have by being your therapist. It can't happen. No amount of hand holding or anything else by your therapist will fix this.

You need to accept this. Accept that you are dependent, needy, and have emotional hunger and that it probably will never be fixed by anybody in your lifetime!

What might help is to go out in the world and get involved with activities you enjoy, challenges, etc. that might be satisfying to you, meet people, find what truly fills you up.

[unaluna]

I disagree with butterflying. welcome back, btw! I always thought you had the coolest name! IMO, it's like telling a person with a broken leg to go hiking (i had this exact conversation with my T just recently) - I need that leg fixed first. I was emotionally broken; I couldn't fill up. I couldn't go any distance.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Are you sure that feeling you are feeling isn't biologically based? IE if your body is lacking salt, you crave salt. If your body is lacking x,y or z, you crave x,y, or z.

Maybe get a medical check just in case. Maybe you have one nutrient that is low and your body is craving it.

I have no idea really, but the way you described the feeling sounded more like a physical thing to me. And emotional and physical feelings are really similar so it would be easy to just dismiss it as an emotional thing. And you wouldn't want to just go around dismissing it and end up having a stroke/heart attack/whatever later on!!

No, i've had this feeling since i was little. It is a physical pain but it is bourne from psychological suffering. The same way your heart hurts when you break up with someone you love. Or someone dies.

[peaches100]

I don't think this emotional hunger only happens with a parent who is over-involved, anxious, or needy. My parents were emotionally neglectful and didn't get involved nearly enough in my life. According to my dad's words, they "didn't try to train or direct us, just let us be whatever we were."

I felt alone with all my problems growing up. I never really felt loved by either parent. They didn't seem very interested in my thinking or feelings, or even what happened when i went out with friends. My parents weren't terrible people, not mean, but just didn't seem like parents. They were gone alot, and when home, they did their own thing. My sister and I were just there. My mom was really excited about and focused on her job, and my dad mostly ignored us unless he was angry or critical about something we'd done wrong.

Both my parents were young parents, and both had been the youngest in their family. I don't think either one of them had any experience even being around younger siblings. I always felt that they didn't especially like children or being parents, even though they went through the motions.

I've been hungry for parent figures all my life. . .

[pbutton]

I really need info on the opposite of this. I get grossed out by anything parental, or declarations of emotional need. This thread kind of bothers me. I imagine this is some sort of defense mechanism that I built at some point. I wonder if there's a term for it?

[unaluna]

Denial? I KWUM, pbutton. I remember my aunt telling my mom to pay more attention to me one time, and both mum and me went, "Eeuuww! No! yuck!" or whatever the equivalent was at that time. And my mom told her sister, "see, i'm not neglecting her, she doesn't WANT more attention!" bless mum's heart. so, creepyish to me, too, till I met T

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Butterflying

Your therapist will never be able to fix the emotional hunger you have by being your therapist. It can't happen. No amount of hand holding or anything else by your therapist will fix this.

You need to accept this. Accept that you are dependent, needy, and have emotional hunger and that it probably will never be fixed by anybody in your lifetime!

What might help is to go out in the world and get involved with activities you enjoy, challenges, etc. that might be satisfying to you, meet people, find what truly fills you up.

Just wondering. Why are you singling out ME in this thread? Others feel the same way as I do, but they don't post their feelings as honestly as I do. Also, with all due respect, are you a T? If not, it's really not helpful to post statements such as the above with the authority you appear to have. I do agree that emotional hunger may be difficult to ever fix. But many of us ARE in therapy for that reason, as you can see by this thread. Are you telling all of them that it will NEVER get fixed in their lifetime, too?

[Butterflying]

Rainbow, yes, I am talking to you. I am sorry if I was too blunt. Having read your posts in the past and now, it just seems as though you are stuck waiting for your therapist to fill your needs. I don't believe it will happen that way. It appears that you are frustrated and that you have repeated this several times with several therapists. It's up to you if you want to accept the continued struggle to get your needs met from your therapist or if you want to risk fixing it from within.