Emotional Hunger and the under mothered child.

butterflying, I don't want to hijack Asiablue's thread. There are others who feel the way I do too. I hope that we CAN be helped by therapy. It's not black or white. Some of the emotional hunger can be relieved by a T because they do act like a parent. My T believes I did not have a secure attachment to my mother, so she is providing it for me. At the same time, she's encouraging my independence. It may be taking me a long time, but I have more understanding of my past now, and of my needs. I agree it's time to accept them and stop making my T so important. I never said I don't agree. It just makes me hurt inside but I will do it anyway. Slowly, not all at once. We all have to find our own way to fulfill the emotional hunger.

rainbow, like you I hope therapy helps us. I think it's not easy for others to fully understand it. I think some things have to be experienced to fully understand. I think it's also complex. Someone once described these kinds of complex things as being like a matrix. And this is why there is not just one thing to do to 'fix' it, and why 'fixes' can be temporary until we are all the way through.

Therapy is helping, but I still fear the feeling will never go away.

I've been intentionally avoiding this thread, but now I must address it. This emotional hunger emanates from what the author called "Original Loss". I have described it as "the darkness within". T keeps telling me that many of the needs from childhood will never be met or can only be met through God (or any other higher power of your choice). However, I do search for others (including T, rainbow, much like you ) to try to fill the void.

I'm in chapter 11 and it's in this chapter about healing that I am actually the most triggered. It seems impossible. Okay, I have to stop thinking about it now.

This is what i find hardest to accept Chopin, that no amount of love or attention for anyone can replace what was lost in childhood. To think that i might never get rid of that emotional hunger, that dreaded dark feeling of total loss.... well it's too overwhelming to contemplate. In hindsight, i think i did start therapy looking for a parental figure to fill in what was missing or help me to not feel that way anymore but since reading more on the subject it seems that it can't be filled in adulthood, or rather it can only be lessened thru self acceptance and developing your own inner mother. Not sure i'm ready to accept that yet...

Yes, I was also told that the unmet needs can never be satisfied, and that is unbelievably sad. One of my former Ts told me that while I might not get the "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow, I could get all the goodies "along the way."

I think acceptance of what we can't ever have is the first step. Then comes trying to acquire the goodies, which may come from ourselves, a spouse, friends, family, a pet, a job, volunteering, this forum, the ocean, singing, dancing, a sunset, a child's smile, or wherever you can find peace and contentment in your life.

As far as the mothering itself, my T has worked with me on visualing me holding the sad, needy child and hugging her and telling her that I love her and will always be there for her. Also listening to her needs. We've done that with the "infant" too. Sometimes we had a circle with me, T, and a close friend of mine taking turns holding the "baby". I never thought I could do any of those visualizations, but at times I can. It's something to think about if you've never tried it.

i think i'm still at the stage where i can't accept my inner child, i hate her and i don't want to talk to her. if i could kill her off i would. Cognitively i have accepted that i am never going to have those needs met but feelings wise i am having an almighty tantrum about it. WHY don't i get a mother, Why do i need to do this alone etc!

The original loss is the awareness of separation. The "we" becomes "you" and "me".
This is why separateness is so important to explore in therapy.
It is also why attachment is so much the focus of therapy. It is how we separate, how we experience that original loss, over time, that is so crucial.

"Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst is an excellent book about losses.

Yes, ECHOES. I love Necessary Losses and knew you were describing how she describes that feeling of bliss before I read your whole post! Viorst says we all are looking for that "original" bliss where there is no I or we, and we are the milk and the milk is the Mommy, etc. She says it much better than I botched it up here.

I agree with you about how important attachment and separateness are. If we didn't do them adequately when we were little, we have problems later.

Thanks Echoes, i will look up this book. I feel so much shame about being attached to anyone, particularly my T. But i'm learning thru these boards it's a natural part of the process.

idk, I don't see it as needs that will never be met, but rather as structures, pillars, abilities that must to be built in the brain, in your character or personality? like the ability to give love will be hampered if you've never received it. So can therapy help you build that ability? Back to my dentist-T analogy, they can give you fillings, crowns, dentures - not the same as a perfect set of original teeth, but it'll do. Oh - and getting there is painful.

I am sorry don´t want to interrupt this thread.. but what does IDK stand for??

idk - I don't know

Well, not to be cliche, but.... what was your mom like? Was she a reluctant parent? You may simply have adopted her attitude.

Or it could be simply a problem with intimacy. Everything you describe involves a form of emotional intimacy and it could be that you are very uncomfortable with anything that seems to violate your emotional autonomy.

And you probably have a damned good reason why.

I think that what Butterflying is trying to say is that it's not the sort of thing that can be fixed with therapy alone. It required some very deep healing and therapy can only get you so far.

Also, to a certain extent, it IS impossible to fix because you can never get the love and attention you missed as a child because you are not a child any more. And you can't go back in time to fix it either.

I have an extraordinarily strong hunger for nurturing and care. I am also a 44 year old man with a thick beard who is 6' 1" and quite obese.

In other words, I don't exactly bring out the nurturing urge in people.

I know that it is up to me to do what I can to repair the damage done by a heavily isolated and emotionally neglected childhood. I also know that therapy will only take me so far.

The rest of the way will be my path alone.

You really can be too old for a happy childhood.

Let me tell you about something very sad.

Every veterinarian knows about the phenomenon known as a "thirsty dog". It happens when a dog does not get enough water at a very crucial stage in their puppyhood. What happens is that they are always thirsty and will always drink as much water as they can from any source they find without limit. In fact, they have to be kept away from all open ended sources of water or they will drink themselves to death.

Told you it was sad.

I think these unmet emotional needs are our "thirsty dogs". When certain needs are not met at a crucial time in our childhoods, we develop a permanent hunger for that thing and getting it only helps in the short term because, like those poor dogs. the hunger remains well after the need is fulfilled.

In that sense, the need is incurable. Nobody knows how to cure a thirsty dog. Not yet, anyway. But if ever there is one, one thing will be certain :

It will not be about the dog finally getting enough water.

Because there's no such thing as enough.