The Couch 146 : The Untouchable, Nontotient, Octahedral, Composite Couch.

One of my coworkers writes it as dooooooood in our team chat haha

Literally every text my co-director and I send to each other starts "hey dude!"

But she has one of those fancy Tiffany engravable necklaces that just says "DUDE." So it's a thing

If I am not sure that I'm real, and capt isn't sure that I'm real either... hmmmmmmmm

Second-to-last appointment with L today before she leaves until October. Idk what to tell her. I'm so pissed she and M are pulling this coordinated extremely long vacation crap with me. One of them has always been here. Yesterday with M I attempted to communicate this but I shut down and apparently I stared at the floor for ten minutes.

Working 1-10 today

Well see
Well see

I used to feel this way as a kid a lot, but more I was just in a dream and no one else or the circumstances I was in were real. Interestingly, I've been experiencing those feelings again recently, maybe as a response to stress? From what I've read online, sounds like what I'm experiencing is derealization. Though there's also depersonalization.

T says I'm experiencing derealization and depersonalization. But I don't know

I experience both derealization and depersonalization.

Depersonalization = I'm not a human, nothing is real
Deralization = Things around me look like cartoons or monsters

So do I. Quite a lot.

Hm, maybe mine is more depersonalization then. I still feel like I'm a human, but that I'm not real and that nothing around me is real. Like I'm in a movie or someone else's dream.

I apparently tell people I'm a cloud or a ghost in someones dream that I'm not real and there is no pain and i'm invincible.

I prefer the "cover all bases" approach of the generic "dissociation," myself. heh.

I actively use dude. It marks me as old, I think. I had to push "rad" out of my vocabulary because nobody ever says that anymore. Alas, it's a good word!

DUDE.
I'll confirm that the children do use dude for both men and women. When my students "hey, dude," "hey, bro," or "hey, cuz" me, my favorite response is "I'm not your dude, dude."

But dude! I wanna be your dude, dude!

You can be my dude, dude
To my students, I'm Mrs. Daisy. Teenagers have no manners.

I use dude ironically or sardonically.

I have been reflexively checking my phone all. day. to see whether R has responded. I know I'll get a notification when she does, so I don't know why I'm doing that. 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.'

Could do with a hand to hold in the dark, rather than being that hand for other people.

I'm having a strangely not-bad day. He hasn't touched me much, but I've been in a car with him alone for a while and I'm uncomfortable.
He sent me a message last night that made me suspect he's trying to manipulate my feelings again. And I think it worked.

I'm feeling okay today

I keep getting appointment alerts for T for tomorrow at noon

I texted him and asked if we are meeting and that I would like to if he is available

I'm waiting to see if he will respond. If he doesn't then I won't go

I hope that he responds and that you can go. Been thinking of you.

Mr Sardonicus, one of the scariest movies ever, dont say i didnt warn you.

Speaking of words and their meanings...I grew up being called all sorts of homophobic slur words while being physically harmed at the same time. Yesterday, in response to my distress over it, my therapist said, well fa**ot is for males so they didn't even get that one right. As if that helps? The session ended awesomely, with a book she'd just gotten for herself that she let me borrow, but this other part keeps dragging me down. It seems she must have expressed some understanding about being called those names other times that this has come up, but now this is all I can think about because she's on vacation and it seems like forever until my next appt, even though she's gone only one week.

I didn't tell L I was mad we didn't talk about it at all.

Why can't I express how I feel about things

Even here. I don't know how to express anything. Everything just looks watered down and half-felt. I feel like I am speaking from inside a fish bowl.

I can't put my feelings to words a lot of the time which frustrates me no end, especially w t last week. I was mad but w/out intelligible words and her guesses and assumptions just made me madder. I wish I'd not told her I was mad at her. I thought she could handle my anger. Last week was ridiculous and I need to just get over it already. Hmph at myself. I wish it was tomorrow at 5:30 the waiting to find out what's gonna happen is making me cranky.

Cranky-er.

T has not texted back. I'm losing faith