The Couch 146 : The Untouchable, Nontotient, Octahedral, Composite Couch.

Healed, step away from the send button!!!

I did a little side project today-- hung some cheap little shelves and generally made the blueberry muffin lady and her new friends presentable.

This idea of decorating one's bedroom is odd to me. I still have this itchy feeling that I have to be able to pack up and leave with a moment's notice, as a matter of survival. But I guess one shouldn't live that way.

I need to paint something for behind the bed. Originally there was the Matisse cutouts obsession... but I have an actual Matisse print now... and I have started thinking about hands, and eyes, and fish.

Please tell me she didn't write lessons out on the whiteboard?

The decorations look nice, anais!

I talked with T about how distressing it is that my anger is starting to get expressed (like with the recent conflict with my mom). He said that continuing to see him makes that more likely to continue and one option is to stop seeing him.

I don't want to do that, but changing is so much harder than I thought. I didn't realize that changing how I see myself would change the way I interact with the world.

I just sent it.. I don't even care at this point.

That's a change I've noticed in me, too--that I'm experiencing anger and, instead of turning it inward, I'm expressing it outward. And it's very difficult for me because it's something I'm not used to doing. It seems like it's been an adjustment for my H too, since I actually argue back now. Of course my T and marriage counselor would both say it was a good development, that anger is a natural and normal emotion, yet I still struggle with it.

Well. I survived the day. Today was my first full-day no-contact break from S (ex-therapist/now-friend/whatever-the-f-he-is). I went to yoga for the first time in ever tonight.

I feel sh*tty.
I miss him.
I want to text him right now and tell him that I can't do this, that I need him.
But, I can't.
I have to take this break.
But I want to say f this break....

COME ON, INNER PEACE! ....

(((Toomanycats))) "Serenity NOW!!!" -- George Costanza, Seinfeld

I have 4 shirts that I wear to see T and I just looked and saw that they are all falling apart. How will I break in new shirts? This means I have to go to the shopping centre.

Do u all think T is going to dump me tomorrow?

I haven't used since sunday

THat is crazy/awesome that you maybe saved your friend's life? I know nothing about pleurisy.
OMG, no. I REALLY want to be a fly on the wall in a therapy session with you, because you elicit such strange reactions from T's. Wait...that was worded wrong. There are so many things T say or do with you that I have never heard of, and boggle my mind!
Nope, I most certainly do not. What I think you need to figure out with him is his crisis response. You need an absolute "I will never respond to your texts or phone calls...or...If you text or call me and say X (maybe some sort of password that signifies you are in need of help, and he needs to call or text you back)....or that you can text and he'll read them, but wont' respond unless X happens."

I don't know, but I know this is causing immense confusion and pain for you, and the shame from your last session, and his non-response sent you into a pretty bad relapse, from what it sounds like. You can't keep doing this, because I think every spiral you go down will get worse and worse. You deserve better.

Oh no, I'm not saying that at all. I just want you to feel strong about seeing her and not at her mercy as to whether or not things are fixable. It was more of a rah rah comment, not at all saying not to talk about it anymore. I know it's hard. I really do.

No, I don't. If I recall correctly, you had worked out with him to be clean for a certain number of days (this was a while back, so maybe that's changed?)--that his concern is whether or not therapy is helping you when you're using, not that he wants to dump you or will dump you. It seemed like you might have been the one to initiate that because he wasn't sure what to do, that he just wants to be helpful and not make things worse.

Sorry if I got that wrong. Anyway, I don't think he will dump you. It's more about whether you will dump you.

I think I am in self destruct mode.. that couple with self loathing is just not fun. I am disgusting..

It can be really hard to get away from an active abuser.

Question: ok, today I was trying to prepare myself that T won't do anything for my B-day session ... meaning no card or letter or anything beyond whatever I bring into the session. That is how she has rolled and I have not asked her to do anything for me. Had I asked she probably would have. I realized that not getting something from her would be hard for me. So I thought, what if I got me a card ... and somehow linked it back to T.... thinking on this it felt kind of good and weird. But then I thought what a hypocrite because I actually believe cards are a waste of money. So I thought, what if I was to write me a letter from T. Kind of along the dear client thread.. and shared that with her. I thought what would I say... and thought what if I went back through old emails and after visit messages and pulled out T's own words. I liked this idea... I thought that if she really didn't do anything (which I am like 95% sure she won't) I would have this letter that I could share with her... and sort of feel like she is giving me something because she did give me these messages.

is it too weird/bizarre ??

Nope. And where do you find these potentials?? I take it CW is gone?

No, I'm just cheating on CW. I might keep her around just because she's cheap with my insurance. Two therapists used to be helpful, maybe it will be again. (I don't plan to let either know of the other's existence.)

Informatino does all kinds of "experiential" stuff: EFT, psychodrama, EMDR, AEDP. So that might explain her oddness.

Ahhh, physical therapist guy wanted me to take off my shirt.

As if people touching my back wouldn't be bad enough...

Can someone yell at me this evening if I haven't gone to the doctor yet? I think the NyQuil is causing me to have really disturbing dreams. I don't feel safe.

Daisy, I would never yell at you but I do think you should go to the doctor. Sorry to hear you dont feel safe. Please call the doctor in the morning or go to the hospital if things get too bad. That sounds like a terrible dream. Hugs.

Elio - I like your idea a lot. It's a very creative solution to your problem! I say go for it.

Munie - that's horrible, you don't need that.

Daisy - sorry you're having such terrible dreams. I am ready to shout at you if I need to. You need to see the doctor.

Sending my love to everyone who is suffering right now, seems like there's a lot of sadness on the couch at the moment.

I went to have a blood test today. I think he took about an arm's worth. I thought I was okay and then I got all sweaty and queasy afterwards, it was pretty unpleasant. I really feel I should get a sticker or a lollipop or something, y'know?

Then I had coffee with my dad, and we talked about my brother. I didn't say this out loud, but I think my brother might be in love with his therapist. Maybe it runs in the family. Is that funny, or sad?

What the f**k is wrong with us?

I don't think that your T will dump you. Deep breaths.