The Couch 146 : The Untouchable, Nontotient, Octahedral, Composite Couch.

Woke up at 4:30 am with a toothache, fml. Wonder how long it will be before I sleep again? Good early morning couch!

Hi can I pm someone just to check that my thinking is ok?

Sure，what's up?

I care too. Please be careful. You matter even though you might feel you don't.

Hugs. Not pathetic, it's really hard to go against parents even when they're "just" being very very subtle about their disapproval.

I don't know how to use a whetstone (I've Googled and watched videos but I'm doing things wrong) on my dull Swiss Army Knife.

I want it sharp so I'll actually do less cuts , shallower cuts.

I'm not actively SHing. More than a week of no SH but my goal is to reduce number of cuts etc etc...

Bleh, I still don't know how to do T's homework. "What would happen if I accepted some of the painful realities of my life?"

Hello, couch. I'm here after 5 hours of sleep. I'm not going to be fun to be around today.

That does not sound like fun homework, QM. I hope you do better with it than I would.

Ditto

I am pretty sure I am still here because I stopped accepting those painful realities. I tried accepting them for 25 years and the consensus is that it Did Not Go Well.

But none of you guys know what half sour pickles are? Oh well. The moment has passed.

I care too capt please be careful

I would respond to that question with "How do you define 'accept'"?

"And, so how do you think I'm 'not accepting'"?

(I would've also tried very hard to not follow that up with "Whatever the eff that means".)

Meh. Sorry, I don't mean to diss your T but my former T used to do stuff like this in an attempt to sneak in ACT-ish stuff (that I'd expressly told her not to try on me). This stuff around acceptance and ultimately forgiveness is really very nuanced and has a strong spiritual / philosophical basis (without the roots of which, it becomes a banal edict of sorts) in the major Eastern traditions that it comes from (as I'm sure you're aware).

Unfortunately, it's gotten morphed into some mindless pablum and added to the ever-growing list of crap that Ts start practicing.

And, I'll stop my rant right about here -- apologies, if I'm way off base.

Hello, post-session crash.

So freaking tired...

!! Yes, it's an ACT thing my T is trying. Right now I'm definitely not accepting some stuff like my parents are LGBTQphobic. Because I hope I can create the conditions for them to change. It might take years, decades...I'm prepared. T thinks I'm wasting my energy, thinks they're "hateful". Funny because T tends to downplay stuff I say, like I say I didn't feel loved by my parents, and she says they "didn't give me love in a way I could receive" (still means "they love you")...and then I talk about wanting their eventual acceptance and love and she says I'm denying that they're hateful and have hurt me.

I'm not sure. I think I just want to feel like he's doing something because he cares, because he wants to help me out. And the way he says it, it's like an obligation. Really, with the speech thing, when I was talking about how much work I had to get done in the next couple days, I was (delusionally) hoping he'd offer to take her.

I think some of this right now is my not feeling supported by him when I was scared out of my mind about the medical tests. I was totally in freakout mode yesterday morning and asked him if he could make the eggs for D. I added "sorry" because I knew he had to still make his breakfast too. And he yelled, "Why does the first word you say every morning have to be sorry?" I did tell him, right before he left for work, that what he said hurt me, and he apologized.

It's just frustrating because we've gone over in therapy multiple times with the apology thing. MC made me realize I apologize because I want reassurance. All I want if I say "I'm sorry" is for someone to say "It's OK" or "Don't worry about it" or "I don't mind." But H responds the opposite way, with irritation. And then I'm still looking for reassurance. Yes, I know, I shouldn't have to look for reassurance from him or others. But all he has to do, if I"m like, "Can you make the eggs? Sorry, I know you have other stuff to do" is say, "It's OK, I can do it."

Or, to go back to the other situation--if I say I'm really stressed out and have lots of work to get done in the next couple days, for him to say something like, "What can I do to help?" or offer specific things. When I have to ask for it, I feel needy, and then I feel even worse if he's all cranky about it. I just don't want to feel like a burden.

I also don't want to have to spell out exactly how stressed I am and explain why (like, I have x, y, and z to do by Friday) in order for him to be willing to do something or for him to seem caring. It's like I have to justify my feelings--which, incidentally, is something that MC gets on me about--like he'll say they're just my feelings, I don't have to explain them. But I get that from my mom, who didn't seem to think that, say, my not feeling well or having a bad headache was a good enough excuse to not go someplace. It was like I had to justify and explain everything. So I still do that now. Doesn't seem to make that much of a difference for H.

OK, what it really comes down to is that I want him to show that he cares, that he's paying attention to me and my feelings, that he's willing to listen, that he wants to help me out because he cares about/loves me, not because he's stuck doing it because I'm his wife. Maybe that's just too much to ask for from him--or from almost anyone--I don't know...

Eek, that ended up much longer than I meant it to--was just thinking out loud.

LT, I think that you and I are similar in that regard. Have you and H explored your love languages? I want H to offer to do whatever, because I'm highly driven by acts of service. When I ask him to, for instance, take out the trash, I feel like he's showing how much he loves me when he actually takes out the trash. Even better if he takes out the trash without me asking.

When H and I finally sat down and took the love languages survey, we were able to facilitate a conversation about why I feel the way I feel about chores and the mundane things in life. The more he helps, the less I have to do, and the more time I have to spend with him. It changed the way we approach our relationship. Sorry if I'm overstepping on the advice front.

Sometimes I think one has to take someone else's ability to care in the way they are able to show it - not like you want them to be.

I don't disagree, but I think there's something really valuable in understanding why people react in the ways that they do to situations.

LT, have you tried asking without adding the sorry part? For me, that would take away any kind of feeling of helping out (if I'm the one being asked to help). I don't know how else to explain it, but just asking for something on its own, without the sorry, just feels better on the other end. I would think it might feel better on your end too?

Thanks, I've looked at it a bit before (don't have the book) but at the time wasn't sure which applied to me. Just took the quiz and got:
Words of Affirmation (10)

Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Followed by Gift Giving (8) (though most of those questions seemed paired with touch ones, which isn't a big motivator for me, so I doubt gift giving is really this high)

Acts of Service (7)

Quality Time (4)

Physical Touch (1)

Hm, maybe I'll try that. I think it's just when H seems reluctant to do something I ask, then I feel compelled to add the sorry part. Like if I said, "Could you do x for me?" and he just said, "Yeah, OK, I can make that work." then I wouldn't feel the need to apologize. It's more when he's like, "FINE [sigh] I can do that I guess" where I feel I need to apologize and try to retract my request. It's like we're stuck in a bad pattern.

I read an article once that kind of relates to this. I think the way you approach asking H for things is what sets you up for the pattern to repeat. Don't think about asking H for a favor or something for you. You two are a team, and in order for the team to work, he needs to participate. So instead of "could you do X for me," why not "X needs to be done. Can you take care of that?"

Getting to the chiropractor's office this morning necessitates crossing a picket line of turkeys...

Hah I survived

That one turkey looks like it's about to start a turkey-human war

They're attempting to enact revenge for the heinous annual slaughter of their brethren.