The Couch 146 : The Untouchable, Nontotient, Octahedral, Composite Couch.

aww i feel so special!

I"m glad it went okay. Did he mention your phone calls or texts at all? I do hope you get up the courage to talk to him about this, bc it seems important. But so glad you went!

LOL. I hope never to have this test done..eeeekkkkkk.

OMG, that sound terrible. Why didn't you go back, because you were embarassed you cried? I am pretty sure I would cry before, during and after. When I was at the hopsital a month or so ago to get my very large kidney stone pulverized, I warned my doctor that I probably will be a hot mess. Turns out I was so anxious, that I could only pace, and not talk to anyone, except to answer questions. They almost cancelled the procedure bc my heart rate was so high!

Kudos for you. I am awed by your empowerment in all of this. I can't believe you are still watching hte twins! It feels like its been a long time Hows it going overall?

I read an article once that kind of relates to this. I think the way you approach asking H for things is what sets you up for the pattern to repeat. Don't think about asking H for a favor or something for you. You two are a team, and in order for the team to work, he needs to participate. So instead of "could you do X for me," why not "X needs to be done. Can you take care of that?"

Hm, that's a good thought. (And I bet both H and MC would like it, because they both like sports metaphors.)

But that does fit into the fact that I tend to think of myself as inferior in the relationship since I make less money as a freelancer since having our daughter (and with H getting a promotion). And H does occasionally sort of throw that in my face, while at the same time complaining we don't have enough money. And then when I take on extra work, he says I'm doing too much. It's like I can't win...

Plus I still feel guilty about the huge mistake I made a year and a half ago, even though H has said he's forgiven me. So maybe I don't feel like I deserve some stuff...

You don't have to answer. You don't have to read.

Getting to the chiropractor's office this morning necessitates crossing a picket line of turkeys...

But you do deserve everything you have (and more). You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You deserve to be treated as an equal.

Bleh, I still don't know how to do T's homework. "What would happen if I accepted some of the painful realities of my life?"

Thanks, Daisy.

They're congregating...
Plotting...

Keep an eye out.

Okay, can i be the bad guy for a minute?


Equal is good, but was it equal? First you took away his gym time, to celebrate your good news, but you also took away his opportunity to offer you a celebration. Thats two. Then he takes her to the pool. Thats minus three for him, plus two for you.


Okay i am lousy at keeping score, but maybe you were feeling guilty cuz it did feel unbalanced? Like your wanting a drink to celebrate IMMEDIATELY outweighed even the idea of a leisurely planned gifted uncontrolled-by-you celebration later.


Just throwing some ideas out there. I feel like there is something between you two that cant be said, and im not sure what it is. The control issue was big for me - do they love me enough or do i have to make my own advances?

I'm not sure. I think I just want to feel like he's doing something because he cares, because he wants to help me out. And the way he says it, it's like an obligation. Really, with the speech thing, when I was talking about how much work I had to get done in the next couple days, I was (delusionally) hoping he'd offer to take her.

I think some of this right now is my not feeling supported by him when I was scared out of my mind about the medical tests. I was totally in freakout mode yesterday morning and asked him if he could make the eggs for D. I added "sorry" because I knew he had to still make his breakfast too. And he yelled, "Why does the first word you say every morning have to be sorry?" I did tell him, right before he left for work, that what he said hurt me, and he apologized.

It's just frustrating because we've gone over in therapy multiple times with the apology thing. MC made me realize I apologize because I want reassurance. All I want if I say "I'm sorry" is for someone to say "It's OK" or "Don't worry about it" or "I don't mind." But H responds the opposite way, with irritation. And then I'm still looking for reassurance. Yes, I know, I shouldn't have to look for reassurance from him or others. But all he has to do, if I"m like, "Can you make the eggs? Sorry, I know you have other stuff to do" is say, "It's OK, I can do it."

Or, to go back to the other situation--if I say I'm really stressed out and have lots of work to get done in the next couple days, for him to say something like, "What can I do to help?" or offer specific things. When I have to ask for it, I feel needy, and then I feel even worse if he's all cranky about it. I just don't want to feel like a burden.

I also don't want to have to spell out exactly how stressed I am and explain why (like, I have x, y, and z to do by Friday) in order for him to be willing to do something or for him to seem caring. It's like I have to justify my feelings--which, incidentally, is something that MC gets on me about--like he'll say they're just my feelings, I don't have to explain them. But I get that from my mom, who didn't seem to think that, say, my not feeling well or having a bad headache was a good enough excuse to not go someplace. It was like I had to justify and explain everything. So I still do that now. Doesn't seem to make that much of a difference for H.

OK, what it really comes down to is that I want him to show that he cares, that he's paying attention to me and my feelings, that he's willing to listen, that he wants to help me out because he cares about/loves me, not because he's stuck doing it because I'm his wife. Maybe that's just too much to ask for from him--or from almost anyone--I don't know...

Eek, that ended up much longer than I meant it to--was just thinking out loud.

Okay, can i be the bad guy for a minute?

Equal is good, but was it equal? First you took away his gym time, to celebrate your good news, but you also took away his opportunity to offer you a celebration. Thats two. Then he takes her to the pool. Thats minus three for him, plus two for you.

Okay i am lousy at keeping score, but maybe you were feeling guilty cuz it did feel unbalanced? Like your wanting a drink to celebrate IMMEDIATELY outweighed even the idea of a leisurely planned gifted uncontrolled-by-you celebration later.

Just throwing some ideas out there. I feel like there is something between you two that cant be said, and im not sure what it is. The control issue was big for me - do they love me enough or do i have to make my own advances?

Art, I'm glad you had some sort of resolution or way forward, but I so much wanted for your therapist to say that she could withstand your anger. You should be able to feel okay with whatever you feel/express when you are in therapy.

Saw the same bastards on the way home
This time they picked a fight with a train but it pulled out before I got a pic

I like these guys almost as much as i like my chain gang kids. Maybe more! At least these guys are picking up some trash and stuff. All else we have are Hare Krishnas and squirrels.

Thanks for the thoughts. But he wouldn't have planned a celebration for me. He doesn't do that sort of thing. Maybe years ago, back when we were dating, he would have bought me flowers or something. But he wouldn't have done anything now. I mean, he didn't even give me a glass clink last night, like "To good results on the scan" or something.

And he told me he didn't want to go to the gym anyway so I was saving him from having to run on the treadmill (which he may not have been able to do because he has a toe injury).

A lot of it for me is feeling like I have to ask for everything and spell it out exactly when I'm stressed and why. Like I had to say "I have things x, y, and z that I have to get done in the next few days." Just saying "I have a lot of work" would probably be meaningless. I want him to be like, "You're really stressed, so what can I do to help." Or in this case, "I know you were really worried about that test--do you want to talk about it?" Instead he just talked about work the whole time. Which, yes, he's going through a stressful time there, too, so I tried to just let him talk, while I listened and asked questions about it. But I had other stuff I wanted to talk about, too. I feel like something of my anger and tears were from that--feeling like I didn't get the support I wanted either during or after the fact.