[MessyD]

So I have a problem with anger. Not that I get angry but that I hardly ever get angry and if I do, I do my best not to show it or express it and basically hide it so no one ever knows that I was angry. And I also hate when someone gets mad at me. I can't stand it and I'll do almost anything to avoid it. Not healthy, I know.

So it happened. I never thought I could get mad at my T but somehow I did and I didn't even realize it right away. I was just being quiet and looking away which is not unusual for me when we're talking about something uncomfortable, but he tried to find my eyes and when he did, he somehow realized it and said "you're mad at me". I wanted to deny at first but couldn't and just apologized and said yes, but I don't know why and he said it's ok. And then we just went back to talking whatever we were talking about.

To be honest, at that time it felt good for some reason.. The fact that l let myself be mad at him tells me I am getting really comfortable around him and I don't have a need to hide things, and also the fact that he was able to tell from basically nothing

But now part of me just wants to be mad at him and I can't figure out if I just want to be throwing tantrum like a little kid or get real mad and leave and show him I don't need him. But I know I do.

So I don't know if this is a good thing or bad. Cause now it's going to feel like a real relationship which I think it's not. And while I am calm and quiet person, most of my relationships end with drama and I think I am afraid this is heading that way too.

So I think question is mostly for people not comfortable expressing anger, but would love to hear from anyone... If it helpful to express it even if it's something little, does it ever go anywhere or you just both get angry and the relationship goes sour? I know a lot of people are able to work through anger with their therapist but for me anger seems like a very scary emotion and not something I like to admit. Sorry if this is confusing, I'm just really confused right now. There was so much more productivity in that session but this is what stuck with me

[Salmon77]

I think it's helpful to learn how to manage it and express it. Then you can resolve the issue and move on without the problem building up. I have a hard time with anger, too, but if you can have a disagreement and figure it out, that's a much healthier relationship than if you just blow everything up, maybe over something small.

Maybe try to think about anger as a reaction to something else--like were you not getting what you were hoping for, or something else was uncomfortable, or you didn't feel understood... what was making you angry? That's important to know because that tells you what you want and maybe need. And I think it's less scary that way.

[Elio]

I think it depends on your T. From what you wrote here, it sounds like it might be a good thing to talk about, express it and find that healthy way of dealing with it.

I turn my anger onto myself. It has been good to be able to talk to T about getting angry about something related to T or our relationship and have her keep it about me, not get defensive or hurt (not display defensiveness or hurt) and always come back with that we are ok - both verbally and behaviorally. It's been hard work for me, I think it has been good work too.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

I think it's helpful to learn how to manage it and express it. Then you can resolve the issue and move on without the problem building up. I have a hard time with anger, too, but if you can have a disagreement and figure it out, that's a much healthier relationship than if you just blow everything up, maybe over something small.

Maybe try to think about anger as a reaction to something else--like were you not getting what you were hoping for, or something else was uncomfortable, or you didn't feel understood... what was making you angry? That's important to know because that tells you what you want and maybe need. And I think it's less scary that way.

Thank you for you response. You're right I know it's good to express it, it just felt like a early little thing, it wasn't a disagreement it was just something he was saying that I didn't even realize it made me angry right away. Nothing that would cause a problem unless I make it a problem I guess. I think my reaction was that his suggestion was not what I was hoping for and actually triggered me in some way which he didn't know and certainly wasn't forcing his idea on me. I does tell me what I want or don't want, problem is i tend to dismiss it

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by Elio

I think it depends on your T. From what you wrote here, it sounds like it might be a good thing to talk about, express it and find that healthy way of dealing with it.

I turn my anger onto myself. It has been good to be able to talk to T about getting angry about something related to T or our relationship and have her keep it about me, not get defensive or hurt (not display defensiveness or hurt) and always come back with that we are ok - both verbally and behaviorally. It's been hard work for me, I think it has been good work too.

Thank you Elio. I know it would probably be a good idea to talk about it. He tried to talk to me about anger couple times before, he knows I don't express it, and I think he wanted me to let it out thinking I have a lot of rage inside. I do the same. I turn it on me. And then comes depression and anxiety. I'm glad you're able to do that with your therapist. I'm afraid of someone getting angry at me. Although he said he was mad at me to for what I said but he didn't look he was, it was more of a joke (we both have a weird sense of humor)

[Elio]

Yes, her lack of reacting to my statements has helped. It has been a slow build up. The first one resulted in me dissociating. Also, it was only a week ago that I let her know in the same session that I was mad with her. Usually I get mad, I write it out and then wait anywhere between 4-8 weeks after the event before I even start dropping nuggets that something was said that resulted in me being angry or hurt. By that time, I am no longer angry or hurt by the actions, I've turned it onto myself.

Oh, that session... she told me something at the beginning that was not good. We'd already been dealing with a rupture and this was just another blow to everything. I spent the next 20 or so minutes in silence as she periodically probed and waited and probed then waited. It wasn't until it was time to go and I couldn't gather up my stuff because I was so shaky that I stopped myself, pulled in and took some breathes then told her I was pissed. Even then she responded calmly, with a soft but clear voice, supportive, and listening. It was still about me and how the news had affected me.

[ElectricManatee]

I've been angry with my T on a few occasions, sometimes because she made a mistake and sometimes because something just rubbed me the wrong way. Once I came back to a session furious about something that had happened at the previous session, and I could tell that she had no clue why I was upset (which certainly didn't help!). I have found it quite helpful to express my anger, even when I know it isn't rational anger. Usually in other relationships I tend to just apologize and try to forget it, which isn't terribly healthy, particularly if I'm apologizing for something that I shouldn't be. Your therapist should be able to help explore your anger without responding to it emotionally (like getting angry back), and help find a resolution that makes your anger feel safer to you.

If you're ready to express anger with your T, it might help to tell yourself that you're going to keep going back and working through it rather than quitting therapy when you're upset. I came really close to quitting when things were at their worst, and I'm grateful now that I didn't. Working through tough stuff with the right person can make the relationship stronger, which seems like a good lesson for outside relationships too.

[stopdog]

I tell the woman she has failed

omg you sound so much like me, MessyD. I too have a big problem with anger in the same way - i can't stand being angry, i will sacrifice myself time and time again to stop someone else being angry with me, always take the blame for everything, etc. I hope that you are able to do better with it than i have, and talk about how you feel with your t before you get to where what happened to me happens - see, I too recently got angry at my t - this was just on wednesday - altho in my case, it was a huge blow-up and i said terrible things to her like "i hate you" and a lot of other things and honestly i have never fought with anyone like that in my entire 55 years of life - ever. not with anyone - siblings, husband, friends, not anyone. i called her yesterday to try to start making sense of it and to see if we were as completely broken as it felt. i still don't know if we're irretrievably broken or not and neither did she. but we agreed to talk about it next time i go. it was really awful and i would not wish that for anyone. best to you!

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I too recently got angry at my t - this was just on wednesday - altho in my case, it was a huge blow-up and i said terrible things to her like "i hate you" and a lot of other things and honestly i have never fought with anyone like that in my entire 55 years of life - ever. not with anyone - siblings, husband, friends, not anyone.

Oh man, I can definitely identify with that. How can a usually lovely T make you so unbelievably angry? It was hard to find parallels in my non-therapy life because I don't think anybody has ever made me as angry as my T did on one particular occasion. (Maybe one other person did, and that was an extraordinary circumstance.) Is it because it feels safer to be angry if you know they are constrained by their therapist role? Is it because they know you better than most people so it feels like they should "know better" than to incite your anger? I just don't know...

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

omg you sound so much like me, MessyD. I too have a big problem with anger in the same way - i can't stand being angry, i will sacrifice myself time and time again to stop someone else being angry with me, always take the blame for everything, etc. I hope that you are able to do better with it than i have, and talk about how you feel with your t before you get to where what happened to me happens - see, I too recently got angry at my t - this was just on wednesday - altho in my case, it was a huge blow-up and i said terrible things to her like "i hate you" and a lot of other things and honestly i have never fought with anyone like that in my entire 55 years of life - ever. not with anyone - siblings, husband, friends, not anyone. i called her yesterday to try to start making sense of it and to see if we were as completely broken as it felt. i still don't know if we're irretrievably broken or not and neither did she. but we agreed to talk about it next time i go. it was really awful and i would not wish that for anyone. best to you!

Sorry that Happened to you but who knows, it might be a good thing. I guess if we keep it all in, blow up might be inevitable. So maybe I do have a lot of anger inside although I'm not always aware of it, but sometimes I get really mad about little things and it doesn't make much sense to me. I wasn't pissed off at him, and I'm not angry now, i just didn't like what he said and maybe I should've told him that. But I think he realized I was mad before I did and then I was like oops, he caught me. I know I wasn't going to admit it. But I think next time it happens, I will. And hopefully it won't end up with a blow up, although I don't see myself doing that.

I hope you can talk to her about it next time, I'm sure you can work it out!

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Oh man, I can definitely identify with that. How can a usually lovely T make you so unbelievably angry? It was hard to find parallels in my non-therapy life because I don't think anybody has ever made me as angry as my T did on one particular occasion. (Maybe one other person did, and that was an extraordinary circumstance.) Is it because it feels safer to be angry if you know they are constrained by their therapist role? Is it because they know you better than most people so it feels like they should "know better" than to incite your anger? I just don't know...

I don't know but I'll let you know if I get really angry I think in my case it's when I'm more comfortable around the person. I used to tell people it's a compliment when I start being mean, because that means I feel closer to them.