[Tbhimscared]

So I've been seeing this T every 2 weeks for the past 6 months. She's really nice and seems caring and interested, but I'm not sure if she's really helping me. She tends to focus the sessions on things I don't really think would be a bigger problem and I feel like she just wants to pick one thing to work on and then I'll be cured. She focuses on my eating disorder a lot and although it's not a good thing, I'm working on it myself and trying to take things one step at a time with it. But that's something i don't need help with but that's all my sessions focus on really. She still doesn't know a lot of my darker stuff and I'm still not comfortable bringing it up (I'm a super private person anyway). In my last session she ended it short (15 mins) and showed up to work right on time for the appointment and had to get a few things set up before I could go in. I felt so rushed today and like it completely revolved around either my ED or family and friends. I'm not sure if I should try to go see someone else or to stick it out.

[ElectricManatee]

Does she know there are other things going on besides the ED? Do you think she would focus on the other things if she knew that's what you actually wanted to talk about?

[Salmon77]

My first thought is that maybe you would benefit from more frequent sessions, you'd have more time to get comfortable and explore. Also does this T specialize in EDs, or is she more a CBT person, or what? It sounds to me like you want to spend more time on deeper issues, dealing with the past, etc so maybe you need someone more psychodynamic.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Does she know there are other things going on besides the ED? Do you think she would focus on the other things if she knew that's what you actually wanted to talk about?

I've never had the chance to really get those things out because there's been such a focus on my ED, but I think she knows there are other things going on Ike being a perfectionist and having super low self esteem. She usually asks me how I'm doing and what's going on and then asks about my eating so I guess I could lie and say my eating is normal and flip to something else, but I don't really want to lie to her either

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

My first thought is that maybe you would benefit from more frequent sessions, you'd have more time to get comfortable and explore. Also does this T specialize in EDs, or is she more a CBT person, or what? It sounds to me like you want to spend more time on deeper issues, dealing with the past, etc so maybe you need someone more psychodynamic.

I thought that too, I think I should go more often but she never offers me to go more often and I feel like she thinks I don't need to go more often. Maybe once the school year starts and I start to go downhill as I usually do in the winter, she'll amp up my sessions. She doesn't specialize in EDs and I think she does CBT. Where I live there really isn't much variety in who you can see but I mightask my doctor when I see him next about seeing someone else

[ElectricManatee]

I think you're going to have to be a little more directive to get what you want. You don't have to lie to your T in order to talk about something else. You can just say, "I've been thinking about it, and there's something important I want to talk about today that isn't my eating disorder..." It's your therapy; she should be open to talking about what you want to talk about.

Similarly, the only way to get more frequent sessions is to ask if that's a possibility. She can't read your mind, so she can't help if she doesn't know what you need. Does she allow email contact? That might be an easier way to bring this up if in person is too scary.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I think you're going to have to be a little more directive to get what you want. You don't have to lie to your T in order to talk about something else. You can just say, "I've been thinking about it, and there's something important I want to talk about today that isn't my eating disorder..." It's your therapy; she should be open to talking about what you want to talk about.

Similarly, the only way to get more frequent sessions is to ask if that's a possibility. She can't read your mind, so she can't help if she doesn't know what you need. Does she allow email contact? That might be an easier way to bring this up if in person is too scary.

I know I need to be more direct, that's such a huge issue I have with everything but she hasn't really ever asked about anything else and we've never even mentioned anything close to self harm or suicide. She doesn't let me talk much and she really takes the lead in sessions and when she's done with it she's done with it
For a few weeks I went every week but then she moved things back to 2 weeks. Her schedule seems to be really busy and it's hard to coordinate times with my schedule.

[ElectricManatee]

Ah, I wonder if that may be a CBT thing. I know therapists who specialize in that tend to take the lead a bit more. I still think it's worth trying to talk about something else, if only for getting practice in asking for what you need, but I can see where this T might not be a good match then. Still, I think any ethical therapist would want to change course and talk about suicidal thoughts, if that's what's on your mind.

[Sarmas]

I would speak to her first and tell her your concerns. Maybe you can tell her things that you want to work on. Perhaps you can both figure out a way that you could be more open and reveal things that you want to primarily focus on. going to a different therapist doesn't guarantee that you will not fall into the same situation. It would probably be more ideal to continue with this therapist and inform her of your difficulties. That's information that could be pertinent to help guide your therapy.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Ah, I wonder if that may be a CBT thing. I know therapists who specialize in that tend to take the lead a bit more. I still think it's worth trying to talk about something else, if only for getting practice in asking for what you need, but I can see where this T might not be a good match then. Still, I think any ethical therapist would want to change course and talk about suicidal thoughts, if that's what's on your mind.

I have this whole problem of being too passive and wanting to impress those around me or make them like me, so I think that my darkest parts of me should really be hidden when I know that she wouldn't be judging me and can't really be impressed with my things and won't ever "like" me.
TRIGGER
And I'm not suicidal right now, but I have been in the past and have made plans etc. So even though I'm not planning anything right now, my past is on my mind and it feels like such a secret.
And I have so much trouble showing emotions and I must seem pretty on edge during my sessions but I tend to laugh and smile a lot even though I'm so anxious I can barely breathe
It's such a complicated situation and I'm such a difficult patient

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I would speak to her first and tell her your concerns. Maybe you can tell her things that you want to work on. Perhaps you can both figure out a way that you could be more open and reveal things that you want to primarily focus on. going to a different therapist doesn't guarantee that you will not fall into the same situation. It would probably be more ideal to continue with this therapist and inform her of your difficulties. That's information that could be pertinent to help guide your therapy.

I won't be seeing her again for a few weeks but maybe once I'm back I'll mention that I'd like to go more often and see what she says. I think i just mentioned troubles with eating off hand one time and she's really fixated on that ever since. The way I see it is that I'm not as willing to work on my ED as much as I am for other things, but I don't know how to explain that to her
I'm scared she'll feel hurt even though that's not what therapy is about, or that I'll come off as rude or unappreciative. I'm just not ready to face it yet and to let go of all of my ED habits

[cnyung10]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I have this whole problem of being too passive and wanting to impress those around me or make them like me, so I think that my darkest parts of me should really be hidden when I know that she wouldn't be judging me and can't really be impressed with my things and won't ever "like" me.
TRIGGER
And I'm not suicidal right now, but I have been in the past and have made plans etc. So even though I'm not planning anything right now, my past is on my mind and it feels like such a secret.
And I have so much trouble showing emotions and I must seem pretty on edge during my sessions but I tend to laugh and smile a lot even though I'm so anxious I can barely breathe
It's such a complicated situation and I'm such a difficult patient

I will enter in with my perspective not as disagreements with previous comments as they are really good. When I started therapy one thing I promised myself is to be totally honest and also open to counsel. My situation was depression from dealing with cancer but it went back farther than that I learned. Also anger issues were the purpose initially which got very direct and dealt with things I hadn't seen or admitted for a long time. I think wanting to be liked or respected is a 2 sided thing with one side being respectable in our own actions but the harder part is being open to who and what we are so we don't react to what WE think others are thinking. My first therapist sounds similar to what you are describing and I didn't get help so stopped and when I found the second one everything opened up. All this mumbling is probably confusing so I will stop with 2 points. You must be able to connect with the therapist and be willing to be totally honest in sharing your concerns, feel trusting enough to bare your closest held fears and know their training is to get to the real core and then rebuild from there.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I won't be seeing her again for a few weeks but maybe once I'm back I'll mention that I'd like to go more often and see what she says. I think i just mentioned troubles with eating off hand one time and she's really fixated on that ever since. The way I see it is that I'm not as willing to work on my ED as much as I am for other things, but I don't know how to explain that to her
I'm scared she'll feel hurt even though that's not what therapy is about, or that I'll come off as rude or unappreciative. I'm just not ready to face it yet and to let go of all of my ED habits

I use to be that way and I wanted to come not upset my therapist as well. I would go in almost like it was something that I rehearsed. I knew what I needed to work on and what was bothering me but I couldn't get it out. Every single time I went in I thought that I shouldn't care what she thinks and I should just get it out there because it's best. Well 5 years later and I was still having the same issue . I just don't like to be judged. I prefer to paint a pretty picture or cover up somethings than to say here's the deal.

It's definitely not an easy task to do. Perhaps she has a reason why she wants to work on your Ed. Mine also wanted to work on my Ed. I'm not sure if it was because it wa stage only thing she felt that she could work with at the time. I told her of many other things that I was having issues with but I'm not sure if she thought it was an issue or a primary concern.

I guess you might get better answers if you bring to her attention and say can we work on other things besides my Ed. That might start giving you answers as to why she's approaching things a certain way.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I use to be that way and I wanted to come not upset my therapist as well. I would go in almost like it was something that I rehearsed. I knew what I needed to work on and what was bothering me but I couldn't get it out. Every single time I went in I thought that I shouldn't care what she thinks and I should just get it out there because it's best. Well 5 years later and I was still having the same issue . I just don't like to be judged. I prefer to paint a pretty picture or cover up somethings than to say here's the deal.

It's definitely not an easy task to do. Perhaps she has a reason why she wants to work on your Ed. Mine also wanted to work on my Ed. I'm not sure if it was because it wa stage only thing she felt that she could work with at the time. I told her of many other things that I was having issues with but I'm not sure if she thought it was an issue or a primary concern.

I guess you might get better answers if you bring to her attention and say can we work on other things besides my Ed. That might start giving you answers as to why she's approaching things a certain way.

I rehearse my sessions too! It's so ridiculous but I think I'm getting closer to snapping in a session and that'll let lots of things spill out to her. I know that's probably not the best way to get it out but I think that once it's out it'll be good

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I use to be that way and I wanted to come not upset my therapist as well. I would go in almost like it was something that I rehearsed. I knew what I needed to work on and what was bothering me but I couldn't get it out. Every single time I went in I thought that I shouldn't care what she thinks and I should just get it out there because it's best. Well 5 years later and I was still having the same issue . I just don't like to be judged. I prefer to paint a pretty picture or cover up somethings than to say here's the deal.

It's definitely not an easy task to do. Perhaps she has a reason why she wants to work on your Ed. Mine also wanted to work on my Ed. I'm not sure if it was because it wa stage only thing she felt that she could work with at the time. I told her of many other things that I was having issues with but I'm not sure if she thought it was an issue or a primary concern.

I guess you might get better answers if you bring to her attention and say can we work on other things besides my Ed. That might start giving you answers as to why she's approaching things a certain way.

I think it would be good for me to ask her why she wants to focus on that. I never really ask her any questions, or say much at all unless I'm telling a short story but other than that it's her giving me little explanations of things or whatever. I don't think my ED should be a primary concern because I still look "healthy" and I'm at the higher end of a normal BMI, but I have been restricting my eating for a while now so maybe she thinks it's worse than I do. Oh well, I'll try to bring these things up the next time I go and see what happens

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I rehearse my sessions too! It's so ridiculous but I think I'm getting closer to snapping in a session and that'll let lots of things spill out to her. I know that's probably not the best way to get it out but I think that once it's out it'll be good

I'll tell you this much. One day she pushed me to the edge. She's known for starting late with me and then me not getting adequate time in order for the next client to start on time. So this one day she's in her room for 20 min at her computer typing away .i almost left. Instead of waiting then in the waiting area I went right outside the waiting room door. She opens it up and tells me if I'm going to decide to attend session today. I blew up. I told her how I was waiting and so on. I was more myself. She said to me that it's not like of me to behave that way. So the real me is coming out and I'm voicing myself. She took it as if I was projecting and having a transference issue. I'm like what?????? Well she took it personally and don't understand me and that eventually led to a break .

So I thought being me and and voicing myself was a positive thing. It takes me out of that rehearsed role or where I feel the need to say the right things and hide other things. Somehow that backfired. Then I told her after that session how I would think that she would take that as a good thing because it means that I'm opening up but no that she didn't see it that way either. Hmmm I still wonder.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I think it would be good for me to ask her why she wants to focus on that. I never really ask her any questions, or say much at all unless I'm telling a short story but other than that it's her giving me little explanations of things or whatever. I don't think my ED should be a primary concern because I still look "healthy" and I'm at the higher end of a normal BMI, but I have been restricting my eating for a while now so maybe she thinks it's worse than I do. Oh well, I'll try to bring these things up the next time I go and see what happens

Right I'm in the same situation. It could be that she doesn't want you get into a worse situation or she wants to grabs hold of the issue now for whatever other reason. I found that asking questions is best. I getting better with it because I'm getting fed up sitting there and feeling like someone is telling me what I'm feeling when sometimes they're wrong. Sometimes my therapist has the wrong impression of an incident or my reaction and I feel the need to clarify. That's made me become a little More verbal. I'm also afraid that she will take things personally at times. I still hide many things and certain things I don't think I'll ever share because that's who I am. It takes time and getting used to being open.

There were times I went in think that I'm going to talk about something or address an issue and then I didn't and kicked myself later for not doing so.

Now I'm at the point that I can tell her that something is bothering me but I'm still selective about what I tell her that bothers me because I know that certain things she can't or won't change or she will hold against me. If I told her that her phone during my session is an issue she will then cut my time drastically and probably hate my session.

[velcro003]

My thoughts as I read this thread, and let me know if I am way off base, and feel free to ignore

ED's are pretty serious, which might be why she focuses on it so much? My T had an ED for about 10 years, and my eating habits are terrible, and recently led to elevated blood sugars and cholesterol and high blood pressure from a visit at the doctor's office. We spent about half a session talking about how I H-A-T-E talking about food and what I am eating or not eating, or like to eat, or dont' like to eat..etc. I just hate it, and I don't like eating around other people.
I definitely know my habits are not quite "normal," but whatever--I hate it, and so therefore I don't discuss it with my T. She asked me outright if I thought I had an eating disorder, and I told her no, because I don't think I do. Many factors come into play with my eating, and I do know how and have eaten healthy in the past.
So after that, she mused that she probably focuses on food stuff a little more directly than other T's, because she dealt with an ED, but that if I don't want to discuss it, it si fine with her.

What this long story is meant to show, is that there may be a reason, or reasons why your T focuses so much on that.

That being said, it seems like she leads way too much, and doesn't give you space to bring up what you really would like to talk about. My last T could let silences go on for minutes and minutes at a time, and it was extremely uncomfortable. I saw her for over 5 years, and while the acute anxiety went away about it, and I definitely learned to appreciate silence better, I never liked her approach. I will avoid things at all costs, so letting me completely take the lead means I wlil never really talk about deep down stuff.

WIth this T, she is much more open, and asks questions, and isn't afraid to start the session, BUT, she always leaves spaces for me to sit silently and bring up what I need to. She seems to know when the tipping point is, and I can't say anything, so she'll tell a story from her life that relates to whatever topic we were on.

I think there is a fine line between not letting the client suffer in silence, because speaking up is so difficult for them, and chatting away all the silences, whereas a client feels like they can't bring up what they feel comfortable with that day. Your T seems to cross the line on that one.

Can you e-mail your T some of your concerns? Or write it out, and bring it to session, and say, I have something I want to bring up, and I wrote it down, but I am really scared to talk about it, or read it out loud. (I refuse to read out loud things I send my T--she has tried, and has since given up ) Maybe that will help?

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by velcro003

My thoughts as I read this thread, and let me know if I am way off base, and feel free to ignore

ED's are pretty serious, which might be why she focuses on it so much? My T had an ED for about 10 years, and my eating habits are terrible, and recently led to elevated blood sugars and cholesterol and high blood pressure from a visit at the doctor's office. We spent about half a session talking about how I H-A-T-E talking about food and what I am eating or not eating, or like to eat, or dont' like to eat..etc. I just hate it, and I don't like eating around other people.
I definitely know my habits are not quite "normal," but whatever--I hate it, and so therefore I don't discuss it with my T. She asked me outright if I thought I had an eating disorder, and I told her no, because I don't think I do. Many factors come into play with my eating, and I do know how and have eaten healthy in the past.
So after that, she mused that she probably focuses on food stuff a little more directly than other T's, because she dealt with an ED, but that if I don't want to discuss it, it si fine with her.

What this long story is meant to show, is that there may be a reason, or reasons why your T focuses so much on that.

That being said, it seems like she leads way too much, and doesn't give you space to bring up what you really would like to talk about. My last T could let silences go on for minutes and minutes at a time, and it was extremely uncomfortable. I saw her for over 5 years, and while the acute anxiety went away about it, and I definitely learned to appreciate silence better, I never liked her approach. I will avoid things at all costs, so letting me completely take the lead means I wlil never really talk about deep down stuff.

WIth this T, she is much more open, and asks questions, and isn't afraid to start the session, BUT, she always leaves spaces for me to sit silently and bring up what I need to. She seems to know when the tipping point is, and I can't say anything, so she'll tell a story from her life that relates to whatever topic we were on.

I think there is a fine line between not letting the client suffer in silence, because speaking up is so difficult for them, and chatting away all the silences, whereas a client feels like they can't bring up what they feel comfortable with that day. Your T seems to cross the line on that one.

Can you e-mail your T some of your concerns? Or write it out, and bring it to session, and say, I have something I want to bring up, and I wrote it down, but I am really scared to talk about it, or read it out loud. (I refuse to read out loud things I send my T--she has tried, and has since given up ) Maybe that will help?

Thanks for the well thought out response I really appreciate your insight. My T knows that my sibling suffered from an ED for a while so that could be why she tends to focus on it, but I wish my T was like yours in that she asks questions. Mine does leave time for me to say things and leaves me in silence but I think I'd rather keep it going and be asked questions. Like you said, if I'm given full leadership of the session i won't bring things up. I just can't do it without being pushed or being forced into the situation, so I wish she would ask me questions and try to cover more than just the ED

[velcro003]

I think what you said right there is perfect: "if I'm given full leadership of the session i won't bring things up. I just can't do it without being pushed or being forced into the situation, so I wish she would ask me questions and try to cover more than just the ED."

Can you say or write this to her somehow?

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I think what you said right there is perfect: "if I'm given full leadership of the session i won't bring things up. I just can't do it without being pushed or being forced into the situation, so I wish she would ask me questions and try to cover more than just the ED."

Can you say or write this to her somehow?

I'll try to say it to her the next time I go but like I said I'm not sure if it'll come out. I think once I'm in school again and my main stressor is back it'll push me to "crack" in sessions and finally be real to her (show my emotions, say things when I want to etc)
I'm hopeful and I guess I'll stick it out, but I may ask my doctor what he thinks about the situation and go from there. I need the confidence to talk to my T about this, isn't it ironic how I'm working on self worth and esteem but I can't even tell her how I really feel haha