I don't know if I can go in to session tomorrow

She wants to keep you? She has to talk to her therapist?

Yeah she needs to deal with her own sheet on her own time

To be able to trust her and do this kind of deep work, you have to feel deep down that she can handle whatever you bring to her. Angry stuff, embarrassing stuff, intense love and hate, whatever. She has to be able to absorb and understand it all and gently give it back to you in a processed form without being tripped up by her own anxiety, fears, and vanity. This would, at a bare minimum, require that she not tell you about how off-kilter she gets about these somewhat low-grade problems you two are having with the therapeutic relationship.

It might be useful if you try one or two other therapists so you can see if you can feel (not simply understand, but actually feel) what therapy is like with somebody who has a different approach. Maybe see if you can find somebody who has extensive experience with attachment and/or trauma and talk to them about all this stuff that's coming up for you. You're clearly struggling and getting more confused the more you think about, so it might help to experience something different instead. Talking to somebody else about all this stuff (if that's a possibility for you) might give you clarity about how to move forward.

Do you really believe this? Does this really make sense to you?
People say this sort of thing and I have no idea if they are messing around or if they think they actually know what this means.

One of my Ts has a side gig working as a therapist to death row inmates. They throw her all sorts of weirdness and it's her job to sit there and be stable and consistent and open to whatever they bring.

Idk what my point is. Maybe that your T ought to be able to deal with it, and how she does so should not be made your business or concern.

There's something to be said for working through attachment issues and patterns. But that's going to be hard to do with someone else bringing in complications of their own.

I now feel obligated to stick with her and not let her down. She didn't give this off to me and she, herself, admitted that she felt her energy was different this time and more relaxed, but I still can't shake the feeling of needing to stick w/her now that she's told me this.

I certainly didn't get the sense that she was afraid of me going anywhere, given how defensive she seemed to me, but that's neither here nor there.

The timing of it was interesting. For 40 minutes, I ebbed and flowed about how I was tired of feeling like a loyal lap dog to cold, detached women. Women who when I make mistake, are harsh with me and sometimes "punish" me, are forgiven by me easily when they do the same. When I revealed to her that she was one of those women, I felt she was a bit surprised. That's when she told me about wanting to keep me, feeling anxious and defensive and having to work through that with her therapist, and etc.

I now feel like I don't want to let her down. Obligated. I wish she didn't tell me that. Wish she kept that to herself because now I'm doing what she and I know I do...factoring her feelings into my decision. Dang it.

I agree--if a T gets angry with or feels hurt by a client, they're supposed to deal with that on their own time--not share it with the client. Therapists are supposed to be able to contain/hold your feelings--therapy should be a safe place to express whatever is on your mind. Both my T and marriage counselor have told me I don't have to worry about their feelings/reactions (and generally keep their feelings out of the therapy room--with the exception of caring about me). If you have to worry about offending the therapist, then it's not a truly safe place and you can't really be as open as you need to be (I'm saying "you" as a general person, not the OP specifically).

Thats what im doing with it. "It" being both t and pc. I feel a real sense of community here. But i grew up as an outsider to my own family, so YMMV. I admit i am one weird duck.

Yes, I do believe this. Even in the short 20 months I've been seeing my T, I feel there have been changes because of the relationship I have with her. The biggest one being that everything I bring to her (so far) has been able to remain about me. I'm excited, she's excited to know what about it excited me. I'm sad, she's supportive about what my experience is. I'm mad (even at her), she's curious as to what that feels for me and how it came about.

I feel this type of relationship does change how I respond to things because it helps me to be able to work through stuff without my amygdala being so activated I can't think or process stuff. I believe the lasting outcome is that my amygdala will not be activated as quickly or easily to stimuli.

that's what i used to think, til last week when i found out how my explosion the week before affected her, and now i don't know what to think. i feel like now i have to protect my t from my anger. and i've never felt that way before. i suppose this bears discussion with her.