The Couch 147: Maximum Break!

Thanks for this. I will try to look into this.

I wanted today to focus on techniques for feeling an ongoing connection and staying stable over the next several weeks on my own. Nothing major. Put everything aside til we're back in September and then get back to work. I wanted to ask why the crystal was special to him, and I wanted to know more about the circumstances under which I might be able to contact him if something goes wrong.

But then my mom contacted me for the first time in several months yesterday.. So I had to bring that up. The anger and abandonment, why does she care now and not back then?

And then a few days ago I began having very vivid flashbacks from the fire. Not the fire itself, screw the ****ing fire, it's fine, but the traumatic things that happened in the following days/weeks. So I had to talk about that too because they worried me. Which is how I found out that M didn't know about ANY of what happened that month. I knew I didn't give him a ton of detail at the time and I wasn't able to, to be honest, but apparently I only told him that the fire happened. Not any of the awful things that followed. So he was completely shocked and horrified. I was shutting down just describing it and then I went away and when I came back I had two minutes left to get it together and M was saying "how would you like to end today, Anais? ....... what would you like our ending to be?" I thought if I didn't answer then maybe we wouldn't have to end.. My arms and legs had gone numb. So much for a stabilizing session, fml.

But I'm glad he knows now.

My session was good. Feel funny about posting on the in session thread i don't know why. Maybe next time. Anyway, it was a good session, we talked first about my pathetic email of Saturday (which embarassingly she'd printed and brought with her) and she said that my homework is to remove the word "deserve" from my vocabulary. Just, it's gone with it. Because one of the pathetic things I'd said was that I felt like I didn't deserve her after hearing how my anger affected her. That was a really productive discussion about that. We also talked more about my anger and ways I can work with it. She opened my folder of her personal set of notes (aha!!! I knew it!! She keeps 2 sets of notes!!) randomly and somehow magically landed on mid October of 2013 and a dream I'd had back then after being angry with her over the whole money thing/the first rupture we had. In the dream I was with my shamanic group and we were drawing pictures that represented each of us and I drew a volcano. Interesting. And she said that after that session we'd taken a break until January of 2014. And we also talked about how I seem to always over-identify with different parts of me instead of one Self/ego. And ways to work with that. And near the end she asked if we should take a break. With recent happenings there, and how good I thought the session went, I was a little taken aback by that so without even thinking at all I blurted the truth - "Part of me says yes. Attachment part says no." So we talked about it. She said she was toying with taking the month of August off. I said well then we should. Then she said that she really can't, because she has commitments to others that she didn't tell about maybe taking the month off. I already knew she was taking the first week or so of August off. So long story shorter after more discussion is we're taking a month-long break. After we stood up and walked to the door we kinda stood there a little awkwardly. I wanted a hug but she didn't say anything so I didn't ask I just left. (Dummy!) Then halfway home I stopped and texted her that I should have asked for a hug and she responded that she'd been waiting for one and i said "i'm a dork" and (((T))) and she said thank you and (((A))).

I am officially the biggest dork on the planet. And now I join the ranks of those on month-long therapy breaks that they didn't ask for....

I feel sad. I shouldn't. But I do.

Two sets of notes sounds sinister. Like two sets of books.

Or, the therapist on Gypsy.

Art, I went to my writers' group - you gonna go to your local poetry group? Might be a good distraction.

I'm really tired from being out late last night, so I'm going to bed, but I kinda wanna shout the magic words and bring some folks out from between the cushions to keep me company. But I'm really tired and wouldn't last long so I'm not gonna say the magic words. Maybe tomorrow evening i'll be awake enough to want to engage some discussion about my session. Mainly about how a month ago I wanted to wrap up our work and now I'm sad about a one-month break. Sheesh. Night!

I think the woman may be retiring completely.

I don't think it's sinister - since she's shared with me what's in the legal set in the past several times when I've asked, and I have always suspected a 2nd set, otherwise she'd never be able to remember my dreams like she does. I'm going to ask to see more of what's in those. What I saw today was just dreams. Maybe that's all it is?

And OMG thank you for the reminder! I forgot all about it. And yes! I requested to join the meetup group I found and rec'd an acceptance email and they're having a meeting Sunday at a local library. I'm going. They post a style of poem for each meeting, and then you bring your own creation or one from another poet. The one for Sunday is a burlesque poem - a poem that treats a serious subject in a humorous way. I better get to writing one. Maybe about my t.

How was yours?

here now - them's fightin' words today, you! just kidding, just kidding.

If so i hope you find a worthy adversary.

Was half-joking about the sinister.

Yeah, it was good. I read them the sonnet I showed you. They liked it. Most of them are writing steampunk scifi novels for publication. If any of you are interested in reading a story set in a cheese shop on Mars, I know a guy.

I don't know. Is it space cheese?

Have you guys ever experienced the phenomenon where you're still conscious but you start dreaming? I woke up about 30 minutes ago in a cold sweat, really anxious. So I was practicing my mindfulness and started to drift back off to sleep. Then I started thinking/dreaming about someone named Melissa, and that she's going to be okay.

That brought me back to full consciousness really quick. I'm not close to anyone with that name. Unless someone here is a Melissa and I don't know it.

It's been a weird night.

Yes... how are you feeling this morning?

Tired. I want to go back to sleep but I'm really anxious. It's 1:20 am here.

If she does, then I shall move on to a new hobby. I doubt I will keep seeing one of those people.

Oh... *gives anti-anxiety tea*
back to bed with you then!

Can you name what the anxiety is about? The dream?

I want to go to bed too

Not yet

Velveeta. "The Cheese that Cannot Die."

Session in an hour...pocket riders would be useful.

I'm in

No idea why I'm so anxious. Fell asleep for a little bit. Been reading to try to calm down. Doesn't matter. Alarm goes off in an hour and a half. Ugh.

I'm in as well
I hope the rest of your day gets better.
Ugh, inability to sleep due to anxiety sounds awful. I hope you can get a goof strong cup of coffee later

I think I'm scared of myself

Thanks to my pocket buddies...hope it wasn't too uncomfortable. Will post more about the session in the In Session thread. Didn't go the way I expected, and now I'm left with one session before the break to open up.