Comparing myself to my ex-T makes me feel very low

Today I was in town to take a walk in a nice area with nice views near the sea. I live in a suburb and my ex T has her practise in town and she lives rather close to town in a flat with a sea view.

I got reminded of that when I today sat looking over the sea and I thought about how my ex-T (and a lot of other people) has this view daily from their balconies. I sat for a long while thinking about it and I find it very hard to understand how my ex-T can afford having both a practise worth about $300 000 and her flat, I´ve checked the estate market, is also worth about $300 000.

She´s 60+ and that´s a difference between us but I feel very low and I feel hopelessness when I think about how she really has done something with her life and I´m not near such a path in life.

In Sweden therapists aren´t that well-payed actually, I´ve seen her annual revenue as such info is free to get online, but still she has succeeded. She has both her own company, her own practise and a nice flat.

It really bothers me that I can´t get any answer to how she has "gotten" all this. Perhaps she was married before and she and her husband sold their house, I know she now lives by her own, and she got money from that sale. Or perhaps her practise is a heritage from a relative.

Every time I go to town I just feel minor as I live in the suburbs, I´ve been unemployed for long and there´s also a combination of missing my ex-T and feeling envious.

Any advice about this? Perhaps someone has similar thoughts about life?

One of the most helpful views I ever read about envy was from Aristotle. His view was that it was a wish to emulate someone, but that the person also believed it was impossible for them to do that. And that sounds like what you've described.

A wish to emulate someone, to copy something they have done well, is really a helpful thing in life -- we don't have to figure everything out new for ourselves. We can see what someone else has done that we would like and, if it is possible, we can make arrangements to try to do the same, or similar, for ourselves.

In this case, though, your wish to work toward having your own flat like that seems stymied. You said that you felt low and hopeless about making such a path for yourself.

I don't know how you do it, and apparently your therapists haven't known how to help you do it, but I wish you that you could find a way to look at your positive characteristics and get excited about using them to get what you want. I know that you've been having problems and are currently unemployed but you're well educated and write well in English, not your native language. And you may have more positive characteristics and talents that you haven't written about here. So those are really something!

I think maybe another thing that could be helpful to reflect on, as well as what others have already said, is that the feeling of envy or wishing for things to be different is kind of a basic human feeling (unfortunately) and it comes from inside us - I think it's not all that dependent on outside circumstances.

So for example someone else could be thinking: Sarah lives in a city by the sea. She can easily travel from her home to the coast as sit and look out at the sea. I so much wish I could do that, but I have to pay money and go on holiday to somewhere on the coast to be able to do something like that, and I can only afford to do that a couple of times a year if at all.

And on the other hand, someone who lives in your T's neighbourhood and has a house with a balcony looking out onto the sea might be thinking: All the neighbours have much more beautiful gardens compared to mine, but of course they can afford gardeners and I can't, it's embarrassing how there are fewer flowers in my garden, everyone probably notices and thinks that my garden looks ugly and plain.

Just a random example but you see the idea! We always tend to compare ourselves with people we perceive to be slightly above us, and I think that's true for everyone no matter how fortunate or rich we are objectively.

I sometimes feel a bit jealous of a very good friend because she has a supportive family and I don't. But on the other hand, she is slightly envious of my career and that I usually get offers when I apply for new jobs. (Yes, we're good enough friends that we've actually shared that with one another). It helps me to think that we're all different, and it's good to try to be grateful for the positives and try to make the best of everything, because the path of wishing for a different life is kind of never-ending and it can lead us to be unhappy and maybe not notice the positive things in our life.

What would make life meaningful to you?

Ignore, here, the idea of emulating (or envying) others. What would make life meaningful to you, personally? Ignore, for a moment, the mental health problems -- what stands out to me in your post is "loneliness". Yes, of course, the mental health problems make it very difficult to overcome the loneliness, but what ideally would it look it look like to you not to be so lonely? What kinds of relationships would you like? What kinds of people would you like to be with?

I know the last question may be very hard to answer -- when I was horribly lonely without my late husband, and had no other real friends, all I could think -- as I went to therapy, changed therapists, etc. -- was that there was something wrong with ME and I wanted to get it fixed, first -- before I could have any kind of meaningful life.

BUT -- that's not turning out to be the case, entirely. I am an unconventional women and lucked into finding some people who are not so dissimilar to me and who have similar interests. In my case, scientific and philosophical. And then, I could talk about my personal problems and issues here on PC and hear about those of other people, too. So far, it seems to be working a little bit. But one step, one second at a time. What else are my options? Not very good.

They have some meetups in Stockholm, too, if you want to try it:

https://www.meetup.com/cities/se/stockholm/

Yes, I know transportation might be difficult and I was absolutely terrified when I first started trying them. But I went to meetups with programs, and frequently a speaker, so it wasn't so hard.

Terrifying, like I said, to start off with. And maybe you want to outline what you might, or might not say, about your currently unemployment. In my case, if it ever came up, all I had to say was that I was retired. Of course, I had been out of work for the last 20 years ("retired early because my late husband had a terminal disease"). But, although people might have wondered, nobody ever said anything. And with the people I was with, they weren't like that - judgmental, etc.

I can guess that you might find the idea terrifying or difficult, too. If you try it and have a terrible experience, you can write about it here and, most likely, get support.

In addition, in an effort to try to overcome my negativity bias I have found a "Good News" website and there - surprise! -- I found a quote by the person who was my role model as a child, even though I certainly never achieved anything like her. I don't know if you'll like them, of course, but just in case here's a link:

TOP 25 QUOTES BY MARIE CURIE (of 53) | A-Z Quotes

Especially this one:


Your life is not over yet. What would make it meaningful just for you, ignoring what other people have. I personally believe in you. You're too similar to me, at least as I see it, which of course may just be transference or projection -- ;-). And I have to believe in myself somehow even though it's hard -- or else, well the other options just aren't good.

So -- here's this old lady across the Atlantic and your post has inspired this long reply. Hope that can count for something for you, an acknowledgement maybe that there are people who can like and believe in you, despite . . .well, whatever the despites. That's not what I'm relating to when you post.

Was there anybody who was your personal role model as a child? Someone whom you personally admired, despite the views of others around you, maybe?

My life would also be meaningful if I didn´t have to work full time but though have money to sometimes travel and to have money to go to a museum, a theater, a good restaurant at weekends.

. . .

What would make life meaningful to me would be to have an interesting job, probably within the field of psychology and to help others. Perhaps also be part of a process of developing the mental health field and access to mental health care.

My life would also be meaningful if I didn´t have to work full time but though have money to sometimes travel and to have money to go to a museum, a theater, a good restaurant at weekends.

I want intellectual and loyal people in my life who shares my values and who have a similar look upon life. People who want to meet with me, who want to share activities. I would probably also want a relationship with a partner but not necessary one where you live together.

Nice you have found interests to share with others, I think founding ones niche is important and I haven´t found such a niche yet. Perhaps in my thoughts but I haven´t found a way to create a life around it.

I bookmarked the page about meetups in Stockholm, thanks for the tip. I would probably dare going there but I´m more of a "one-to-one" person who meets with one person at a time. I´m not into mingling and socializing in large groups.

Thanks for the quotes! I liked the one you sent me. My favorite subject wasn´t physics but I have studied it for several years on different levels.

I think for me I gradually have stopped thinking about goals, what I want, how I want my life to be as I just see all those thoughts as impossible to actualize.

I´ve never had a role model I think, I liked some of the teachers I had in school and to some extent I wanted to be like them perhaps. But not so much that they inspired me to do something extra or to follow a certain path in life.

In my adult life I´m impressed with women, like my former T, who has their own businesses, who are very successful, independent and who have a path in life that makes them content and happy. A "never reality" for me and who I am.

Thanks for all your replies to my post. To my way of thinking it's very good that you do have some clear ideas about what would make a meaningful life for you. If you didn't, I think that would make if very hard for anybody to help you put that together.

I'm not you and I haven't had the experiences that have convinced you that a happy, meaningful life is not possible for you.

BUT I very clearly do NOT believe it's impossible, even though I know it seems like that from where you are at the moment. And even though my own life has certainly seemed like that to me, too.

It's certainly positive that you keep on keeping on. Posting here. Seeing the church counselor before she quit working. Etc. I believe the ideals of what would make life meaningful for you can give you a sense of direction, even if you can't know for sure exactly what it will be like in reality until reality gets here.

I wonder, from what you have written, if you have experienced disappointment (in yourself?) that you haven't achieved more in your life already? Of course, from my perspective, you're still just barely getting started. And your experiences would certainly provide some wonderful perspective for you, if/when you get a chance, to be a part, as you said, of a process of developing the mental health field and access to mental health care. Is it possible for you to take some classes? They could be interesting and might also help you understand yourself better, too? Just an idea.