The Couch 149 : Boby Lives On!

You're right. I am just paranoid.

i better get off here and go to bed before i do anything else stupid night couch

it's not too late - i deleted so can you i am so sorry me and my big mouth

I am trying so hard right now to stick with what was good about the class and not have a total meltdown

My dad can rot in hell. **** him, **** him, **** him

I went to the class thing. I am a little shaken up. It was nice in a lot of ways. It was yoga-based, all easy slow stuff on the floor, in the dark with guided breathing. Very relaxing.

There was a touch-based component too, which is what I was very much wanting but also a little afraid of. The bodyworker came around to me and the first thing she did was touch my right hand. Perfectly safe gesture. What came to mind immediately was , and I have a permanent injury there. I started tearing up and feeling stupid at the same time- I can't have normal good experiences, I shouldn't be here, this is why I don't let people touch me, this is why I don't socialize. And then I silently berated myself for feeling that way.

She let go and reached for my left hand but this time her hands were shaking. She did not come back to me at all.

I feel like a leper.

I miss M. He isn't afraid to hold my hands.

I don't know what to do with this stupid car. I just spent over $1000 registering it and putting new tyres on it. It will cost around a $1000 for a new engine. The car only cost me $2000 a few years ago. Or do I cash in some of my retirememnt money and buy a good used car? Decisions, i am not very good at making them in the first place.

If it were me I would take into consideration that if I replaced the engine would it last a few more years, and not need any other major repairs? If yes, replace the engine. If not, I would sell it and get a more reliable used car.

I don't like sitting on the couch, bcs I don't know what to do with my arms.

I don't know what to do with this stupid car. I just spent over $1000 registering it and putting new tyres on it. It will cost around a $1000 for a new engine. The car only cost me $2000 a few years ago. Or do I cash in some of my retirememnt money and buy a good used car? Decisions, i am not very good at making them in the first place.

I went to the class thing. I am a little shaken up. It was nice in a lot of ways. It was yoga-based, all easy slow stuff on the floor, in the dark with guided breathing. Very relaxing.

There was a touch-based component too, which is what I was very much wanting but also a little afraid of. The bodyworker came around to me and the first thing she did was touch my right hand. Perfectly safe gesture. What came to mind immediately was , and I have a permanent injury there. I started tearing up and feeling stupid at the same time- I can't have normal good experiences, I shouldn't be here, this is why I don't let people touch me, this is why I don't socialize. And then I silently berated myself for feeling that way.

She let go and reached for my left hand but this time her hands were shaking. She did not come back to me at all.

I feel like a leper.

I miss M. He isn't afraid to hold my hands.

I'm sorry, that sounds really difficult. I'm guessing the reason she didn't touch your other hand is how you reacted to the first one, so she didn't want it to be too much for you.

I got weepy in yin yoga (which sounds similar--slow stuff on the floor, but without the body work) a couple days ago, which was the second time that happened in three classes. I mentioned to T after the first time it happened, and she said she had a client who said she cried the first two times she did yoga. So I think it's fairly common, so your instructor likely wouldn't have found it to be weird. I'm guessing the movements just release something in the body. (Yoga instructor was talking about some sort of channels--some non-English word with a "v"--in the body and shifting them through the movements.) Adding the bodywork would just make it more intense, I imagine.