Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Dear T,

It does hurt to know you indeed don't love me (in a parental or therapist? way) even though you do care about me.

C,
I tried to text you last night so I could pay for the response/conversation. But I think the only number you gave me is a landline. So why did you tell me I could text? Does that number even go anywhere but your office?

Just.
Whatever.
Too tired.

help.

...

Here if you want to talk...

Please, please, please, please work at least a little on Monday, so I can see you? You do realize you are my only real tether to sanity right now? Stupid Mondays and their holidays.

New T...I think the world of you! You are smarter and more insightful than all of the Ts that I've had in my entire life put together. But, you can not be right ALL of the time! I just may say this to you today.

If I email you tomorrow will you email me back? I love you

Dear t,

I was thinking of canceling Thursday's appointment but now I'm not sure I want to. I had this terrible dream I want to talk about.


I don't know your take one dreams and I'm nervous what you'll say. I would never do what I dreamt about, so maybe you'll say it's just a dream. But either way it's freaking me out.

I am doing fine on my own
I am struggling in between the polarities
I am decimated

I really am worried about you and hope you and your family are doing well.

So much to tell you next week...

Dear T,
The first week you were away went quite well for me & I was lulled into feeling that I'd be ok. I struggled through the second week not seeing you. Last week I couldn't stop catastrophising about you wondering if something terrible has happened to you & this week, I just want to stay in bed & count the weeks, days, hours & minutes until you are back. I turned on the tv yesterday & saw yet another CSA case about to go to court & it triggered me. I wanted to SI, but didn't & put off the urge for 3 lots of 15 minutes. T, I'm falling apart now without you & your still not back for ages.

I'm drowning.

I am also drowning. How low can I go? i hate myself

Dear Dr. S,
I wish I could hear your voice. I'm not going to call though. The email wasn't enough. I'm trying. I'm trying.
me

T,
I've wanted to for so long and I've never told you. I know I need to, especially now that it's worse. But I'm afraid of how you'll react. I'm afraid to tell you that too, especially after you threatened (ok, that may be a strong word) me with inpatient back in June.
I'm drowning. And I don't know if I'll be able to talk about it tomorrow. Please be able to read my mind...
Annie

I can't fight this anymore. i give up

I think I had the unconscious fantasy that if you loved me, it would ease the pain of unloving parents.

But you don't, of course. Because I'm just a client.

Hang in there... are you safe? Anythig we can do?



You're not just a client... you're a client. I think that's a small but important difference... Hugs. You really do deserve love & care and I hope you can find a way to ease that cruel pain



T,
I'm scared of you bringing up the insurance thing...

Who are you? Are you in my head?
Eta: who am I??

I am losing my minds and of course I won't see you until the week after next.

"Be kind to yourself" you said in your email. Thank you T. I will

You took the words out my mouth

"It's my job to protect and take care of you."
You said that in your email.
Could you say that out loud in person?
I want to hear that out loud... please.

Dear MC and T,
I managed not to contact either of you during my family vacation! I consider that a sort of victory.
See you both next week.
Love,
LT

RoboT,

I can't tell if what happened tonight is a sign of growth or regression. I don't know what to do with this. I'm not looking forward to the prospect of discussing my sex life with you again. But we're both mature adults, right?

Well, except part of this transference makes me feel inferior to you. Like I do to my father. Ugh.

Daisy