Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

MC,
Your e-mail response made me smile. Thanks for that. (I actually was figuring your weren't going to respond at all--and was pretty much OK with that.)
Love,
LT

Love u Miss u

Me

I very much wish I saw you today. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the week. Sigh

Please just make everything okay. Please?!

Oh wait, you can't do that. Not even close.

Oh well.

T,
I've been feeling pretty okay this past week, which scares me. I'm scared because it's an unfamiliar feeling and I know it won't last... but I'm also scared you will decide I don't need therapy anymore and suggest I terminate. I want to be stable and happy enough where I don't need therapy, but I don't want to leave you
Annie

I want to say goodbye and cry, cry, and cry. But I'm afraid you'll make me go IP.

T,

I miss you.

Hi R,

Been listening to old recordings again. Feels like a lifetime ago, rather than just last year or something. Then there are days when I can't tolerate music, but nor can I tolerate the places that my head wants to take me when there's no distraction.

Same scene over again last night....over and over again. Why the hell would one human being inflict that on another, knowing what they knew? Simple answer is that they didn't give a ****, and actively encouraged me to think otherwise, because they needed me - to perpetuate that ****ing cycle.

This is maddening, and yet I know I'm going to shut down when I try to talk about it...please don't let me?

Not long to go and I still can't think of the answer! I feel a disastrous session coming up!

Hi are you still there

BTW,

Now I have a voicemail of you. How can your voice be so extremly calming? oO

This weekend has helped me see just how far I've come and highlighted how instrumental your presence has been in my development. I'm so grateful for you, and I will always love you.

Processing therapy yesterday.

Toward the end of the hour I told you I didn't want to leave (knowing full well that I would.) I told you I felt safe there....how talking to you ..and PrevT on the phone or in session helps me feel safe. It's kinda like being in your own home- at least for an hour. I can even dream about both of you and experience nice feelings of comfort and safety, most times.

But I don't understand- why can't I develop that for myself? Why haven't I been able to develop safety in my own life?

Instead, I often feel scared, fearful and powerless.

Then I realized- I don't know for a fact that both of you have developed a sense of power and safety in your own lives. I just assume(d) that you do?

Do you feel happy, T? Do you feel safe, content and powerful?
Do you?
How did you do that?

You are amazing and you keep proving yourself to me. Thank you

Whyyyyy why do you hate me

Dear PrevT,

I just dreamed a long dream of you.

I dreamed we were together, sometime at your home, some time at your office. I forgot my circumstances for a moment (living out of state) and told you I wanted to see you professionally again. You asked me why. (You didn't say no.) I told you because you help me keep things organized and calm like when a person brushes their hair ..the unmanageable finds its place. I thought you were going to say, "You are already doing that for yourself." Instead, you replied, "I do that for myself and you copy me...or you are seeing it..or, you witness it."

For a time, it was morning- we were in your home. You were still in peach-colored silk or satin pajamas. You told me to watch because I was about to see something... (maybe that you are less than perfect?). Your husband was getting ready for work. You were upset with him because he tried to hang a purple ornamental star on your wall and you felt he put it up wrong. You were angry with him and said something like, " I never get it done my way...or the way I want."

It wasn't a serious fight. The dream broke sequence and I was explaining to someone, maybe T, it wasn't a serious fight, you would make up. All would be well.....you and your husband would still be together for a long time..you would be together in Heaven.

Still at your house, I patted your back and tried to comfort you. You regained your composure and prepared to leave. You told me to let you know how the deposition turned out. I said, just the deposition? And you said, "No, tell me how everything turns out." Then you left.

I found your unmade bed and laid there, feeling the comfort.

There was softness and a light perfume. I felt comfortable, comforted. Safe.
And I was disappointed to wake up.

Dear PrevT,

Incredibly, I dreamed about you again. (The next night)

You told me, "Now that you've written it all down, are you going to follow through?"

Or you said,

"Now that you've written it all down....as long as you follow through.."
Or something similar. That's it.
It was you telling me this.

The following night I dreamed about T and me...and something to do with puppies and kittens.

It was a nice dream.

I've gotten through most of the weekend, Info. I exercised a lot and I had a book chapter to edit. Yesterday was even an OK day.

Now I'm out of steam and want so very badly to sh.

ATAT

I wish I had the guts to bring a blanket and curl up on your couch. I don't think you'd mind, but I'm too scared.

How can you even claim to have trauma expertise, then tell me I can simply call a crisis line? I feel traumatized by this situation. No, calling and talk to a complete stranger is not helpful or even a substitute for therapy after being in therapy for you 5+ years.

You could have allowed me to meet once every three weeks, and then I wouldn't deteriorate, but that was too much of an inconvenience and according to you, not in my best interest-as if I don't know what my best interest is. Because obviously, this route is leading to a complete breakdown. At least knowing I would see you in a couple weeks would help hold me together.

How can people be so shocked when someone suicides? "oh, if only they reached out for help"....what help is there for people who work and pay for insurance? People are only willing to send police to your house and send you to the ER for thousands in bills, then discharge you with no help. Why would I even call for help under those circumstances-to be kept alive so that I can feel trauma every day? f the world

Rayne,
I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserve so much better.

Thanks Anastasia. I hate these thoughts, but im having a breakdown. Just cant take anymore.

Dear Dr. S,
Thinking about you tonight. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I have twinges of feeling the little boy. I want you to read to me. I love you.
-me