Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Dear MC,
I love you so much...
--LT

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for understanding today. Have a good weekend, I already miss you. I'm going to try really hard to not email you. I know I can, but I want you to have a good weekend.

I love you,
me

T,

You know, I don't want an especially happy or extrordinary life. I don't want to get rich or win a nobel prize or whatever.
I want to grow up, maybe have kids. Work. Have some form of health/ or relationship crisis, get over it and then move on.

I don't want this. I don't want to doubt my brain, emotions, perception and memories multiple times a day. I don't want those horrible, violent nightmares. I want to think about nice things instead of SH. I don't want my body to betray me all the time.

Not feeling powerless, helpless, numb... is that even possible?

You're so beautiful. Nevermind.

Useless session. But it's only my fault. I told you nothing. I didnt tell you I'm in pain. I didn't tell about shing. I told nothing. And now I have to wait two more weeks...

You said I'm a freak. Lol.
You also said you think you're too kind. That you should make me start taking meds. That I'm psychotic and I should take them. But I can't. I can't! I'm so sorry. I think you'll leave me.

You said you mean more than "just a doctor" to me. Well it's true. But I don't think it's bad...Seems you think so.

I'm miserable. I love you. I have no idea how to survive these two weeks. I want to cry. I don't want to go home. I give up. This is the end.

Oh god, I can already tell that we're heading toward having a ruptury time of things. I tried to warn you, but I don't think we can avoid it. It's rolling in like a summer storm. I want to come through this okay, but I just don't know anymore.

Dear Potential New T,
Please be able to help me with the transference stuff. Ideally in a way that keeps me from becoming attached to you, too. I know I didn't want you to be critical of MC--and maybe you won't be anyway, because you know him--but maybe I do need you to acknowledge his role in things getting this intense. Maybe I need to know it's not just me being all needy and stuff. That part of it is that I'm starving for certain things, and that's exactly what MC is feeding me. Like saying he'd stay on the mountain with me... So of course I'm attached to him.

I just need you to help me figure out how to detach, even though there's this part of me that doesn't want to. Because I like the warm, fuzzy feelings, despite the inevitable pain that also comes as a part of this relationship because of its limitations. Because he can't be my father... I kept thinking that MC had to be the one to help me, but maybe he's kind of caught up in this pattern, too. So that's why I need someone on the outside (even though you're not 100% on the outside, in knowing him, I guess...)

I also hope you don't regret taking me on as a client...or vice versa. I guess we need to see how the intake goes...

LT

Your eyes were sooooo warm. I think you love me. In your own way.

Dear t,

Duh, of course!

Me

I honestly hope you're okay. Here if you want to talk Cap.

R,

I wish I could talk to you right now.

I miss u T
I'm getting better...

It'd be really nice if you said hello or something. That you miss me, I hope you have a good trip, etc. I know that you won't.

Hi T,

I am such a LOSER! Why am I obsessed with finding out stuff about you???? I just spent 2 hours researching you online even though I told myself that I wouldn't! Why do I care so much??? Every time I've asked you something you've answered. I just want to know more and more about you because I think that you're awesome!

Now I have questions about what I've found and of course I can't ask!

Apparently I have nothing better to do with my time. Of course my productivity sucks because I am so obsessed thinking about you and researching you.

Damn, I am such a f****** loser!

I don't know how to do that.

First day of group is this week. I don't want to share you with others.

I don't know, Info. Between Smaug's hearing yesterday and divorce stuff today, I'm in even worse shape starting this weekend than I was the last two, and those ended up in sh and tentative final plans for 9 months from now.

Maybe I should bring up the twice a week thing again. Not that I really want therapy twice a week.

ATAT

Thank you for today! Was so nice of you. I feel I can do just fine until Tues now

Okay, you have proven yet again that you are strong enough to withstand my fear and rage. Point well-taken. I wonder how many times I will do this again before I really, truly get it. I hope for both our sakes that it's not very many. I'm so pleased that the connection was still there waiting for me afterward.

Dr S,

Thank you. I love you. Your email put a smile on my face and warmth in my heart. It fed the transference. I sure hope you know what you are doing here because it's going to be a big fall if things don't work out.

-me

This is the point in therapy where I usually quit. When things get too real. When you get too close. I'm not going to do that this time because I promised myself I wouldn't. There is a reason why I stuffed those emotions down. I don't want to do this. I hate it. I want to be angry with you for making me feel like this. But I know it's me. I'm the one that goes back each time. I know I need to do this.

Still struggling with the answer to your question. I got another couple of days to try and think of the answer, but I don't think I will find it somehow...

R,

I'm scared. My anxiety is physically making me sick.

I want to message you more than anything, but I won't.

Dear t
Since terminating with you last week I have decided to give the new t my best shot. there is no time to muck around. There is no time for that with the parents health declining as it is.
There were some things that were not disclosed to you that should have been. I will tell new T. I have to do this thing even though it is so hard.
I am trying to look at it as an opportunity to start anew. To establish new ground rules from the start.
I can do this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry

T,

This homework you gave me is hard, much harder than I expected. I really hope I can stick with it. I'll keep trying but I want you to know it's not easy.