Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

I have to go to work but instead I am sitting crying on my living room floor in my pajamas.

You said no

It hurts but I'm going to get better

Watch me.

Fed up with it all... where do I go from here? You don't know I don't think and I most certainly don't!

Well all is forgiven. Your email was amazing. I love you.

Dear Dr. S,
Thank you for your email yesterday. I don't think I am there yet, but I am trying.

I love you,
me.

Dear Potential New T,

Of course you used to work with T and MC. OF COURSE! Because such is my life...

Hope we can still work together...and that you won't be too weirded out by my talking about transference for MC.

--LT

I think you push my "i don't matter" buttons on purpose. Otherwise you wouldn't go out of your way hurt me and not let me be involved in any of the therapy decisions. I keep trying to tell you that they way you are mean to me is not like how other therapists do things, but then you put it in my face--how could that be since I want to see you all the time. The only way you'd understand is if i died. I want to die right now. Forever.

Dear PNT,
Thanks for your response, and your brief response to my response. You know you're setting yourself an awfully high bar for e-mail responsiveness...I mean, I'm not even officially your client yet. You sure you want to go down the e-mailing path with me? I can get pretty verbose in e-mails...guess that's something to address in the intake session. (Current/potentially former T would probably be like DON'T DO IT! Change your e-mail address now!)
LT

S (ExT),

I still miss the way we were. I still miss the way you were. I miss waking up to find "I'm here" texts from you on my phone. I miss hearing from you every day. I miss telling you everything. I miss your really truly being a part of my life. My heart is broken, it is still breaking, every day. I'm not sure what you feel, miss, or don't, but that's where I'm at. And I want you to know that.

"Deep soul divers wanted" huh? Damn, woman, you've got my number, don't you?! Hmph.

I'm desperate.

"Time to saay goodbye"????

Won't let you catput. Stay.

(((captgut)))

Captgut, please stay. Please keep talking to T.

@Capt: Stay

T,
Don't know what to do with those urges... Can't give in again. Nope nope.

Sigh... I really need you to recommend another pdoc... I need someone I trust.

Hugs. I hope T can recommend a better pdoc. Your current one is really bad.

I hope you can keep grounded as well as self compassionate towards yourself.

T,

I know you think IT is mostly work with computers, but you're so wrong.

Yes, I don't deal with vulnerable people with mental health issues. I'm not a psychologist like you. But I do deal with people too, and I deal with VIPs who are really demanding due to their sense of entitlement.

You leave work at work, I have to be available 24/7. You have more time for a social life than me, AND your fellow coworkers are all mutually supportive friends. While I'm in an unhealthy work environment.

Maybe, maybe don't talk like my job doesn't involve being professional to difficult people?

(((captgut))) please stay.

Hugs, Capt. Please hang in there...

Dear MC,
Nervous to see you today. Of course we'll have to talk about my reaction to you canceling and why I felt the need to reschedule instead of just waiting till next week. But I think I'm most nervous telling you about potential new T (though maybe current T already did?) Especially since you know him pretty well. And I'll be mainly seeing him to address transference stuff with you (though I guess I haven't told him that part yet...). I almost feel more bad telling you about it than I did with T. Maybe because he's male? And in some weird twisted way it may sound like I'm trying to replace you? (Of course that might give you a sense of relief!) Even though I'm sure you wouldn't see it that way. I just really don't know what you'll say...Hm, maybe this is a paternal thing, wanting your approval of my choice? I don't know...
Anyway, hope to see you in 5 hours.
Love,
LT

You mean the world to me, I only wish I meant more to you than 1 hour a week, sigh...

I did it again. I want to see you tomorrow. I want to cancel.

I hope you go.

I love you, but you already know that.

C,

I screwed up. Royally. I don't even know if I can face you tomorrow.