Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

RoboT,

I did a meditation yesterday that was focused on acceptance and compassion of self. It's really helped me to accept our situation as it is. I think we'll be able to navigate through all of the transference junk okay. I'll be okay.

Now I'm officially too busy to deal with us for the rest of the week. Saturday will come too soon, honestly. See you then.

Daisy

Gosh, you sound like my freakin' twin. You do try to see the beauty in others before ever acknowledging it in yourself, no?

And the bold is me, 100x's!

Ummm i miss u so freaking much!!!!

C,

I just don't know...

I hope your time off is healing for you, I really do. I'm trying to make it healing for me, too, and in some ways it is even while it hurts, because I'm figuring things out. I want to see you again soon once or twice more to hammer out what the heck happened and end us on a positive note. I won't bother you til I said I would though. Promise.

Send me smoke signals

Dear New T,

We're gonna have to talk about ex-t. Yep. We's gonna have to get in that nitty-gritty area. I can't cry about this...yet. It comes in waves and I almost feel like I'm gonna panic, then it's an urge to cry almost like a sneeze...but it never comes.

Why can't I go there, yet? We shall talk soon.

Dear Dr. S, I love you. Will you email me? - me

I was thinking stuff at you VERY loudly today. And this evening I keep checking your psychologytoday.com profile to make sure it's still there. Just call me Pathetic Art.
eta: and yeah. the way I'm feeling this evening, if you did happen to magically "hear" my psyche and contact me I would commit to continuing this work with you until you retire. That's how I feel right now. But you won't, so I won't, so it's all good. As it is, I'm probably going to ask if you'll let me come back until November and recommit to weekly sessions until then so we can work on this deep need for maternal approval that I've discovered.

Or not. It all depends on how you react to the stuff I want to tell you when we do meet again in whenever it will be. I hope when I call in 3 weeks you won't say "Oh, sorry I'm all booked up until 2020."

Dear MC,
That was weirdly cathartic, typing that out, even though I then deleted it. (Nope, not telling you what it said!)
Love,
LT

oh t. i'm sad. sad sad sad.

As long as you came out ahead that's all that matters right? And from what I hear, you made a bundle.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid idea!!!!

So much in my mind.

I'm trying to calm it. Don't even want to sort it out. Just wait. Please.

Husband and I were having a good night talking and enjoying being outside.

I called my mom to update her on the grand baby. It triggers me and I just wanted someone to hear that I was in a hard place. I didn't explain why I just told him that I wanted someone to hear me. Please.

It's my fault. It's my fault my parents were who they were. It's my fault my mom is a narcissist and I don't want to deal with her.

It's my fault that I don't know how to set boundaries with her or with HIM!!

This is all my flippin fault!!!!!

No! No it's not!

I'm just so tired of fighting with these people who only care about themselves.

I just wanted to be heard like you hear me. There is no safety here.

My youngest calls me his "keeper"

My oldest knows how to get what he wants and not pay me back.

The husband knows how to deface me and make me feel inadequate and not enough.

I want to be done but I don't know how. I love them all but I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough or being used. Manipulated.

This sucks.

I guess I'm drama.

The house is quiet and I'm by myself. Yay!!

The husband told me he was done. He won't remember it tomorrow and ask me if everything is ok.

I feel so done myself but I don't know how to do that. I guess that's a gift. Perseverance maybe?

I don't know.

People make me angry!

Whew! There ya go.

Dear Info,

Barfiest.email.response.ever. "Be with your story"? WTF does that even mean?

Yeah, so I don't think I'll be sending any more emails.

ATAT

I'm with you, WTF??? Wow. Sorry there.

I really have to stop hoping I can find a No. 3 again. And using her as a standard to measure other therapists by.

I have a previous T I am still trying to "find" as well (from years ago). So far, it's not happening. So yeah, I totally get you.

T,

Wow today in session, we learned I've a really strong Mistrust schema, didn't we?

I'm glad I told you at the end that I miss you. I've been trying to articulate that for SO MANY sessions - that clingy feeling which wants to hug you and not let you go. But I never really sat with it, just whined that I'm clingy...

C,

i just...don't...know

L, I woke up missing you so much it's a physical pain. And there's nothing I can do. I am the world's biggest **** up. I need you and I turned you against me.

No, its definitely not. You can't control who your parents are or were. It was THEIR job to raise you and teach you boundaries, not the other way around.
Oh dear. Is that all she said?! If my T said that to me, I would definitely be like WTF!?
I don't think you should. I find it extremely bizarre you can't find a normal T, but there must be some out there that are a good fit for you!

Reason number 1001 why I think those people are batshit crazy and just messing with clients.

Dear T,
I wish we were meeting in your office instead of MC's today. I always feel weird talking about stuff with him in his office, like his lion pillow is going to be like, "Hey, guess what LT was talking about yesterday, MC?" I mean, obviously that's not going to happen, but I still feel strange about it. Should I even talk about it with you today?

And another reason (besides being in your office) why I prefer seeing you on Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays--gives me an extra day to process stuff. I'm still working on the stuff from yesterday, and am trying to figure out which aspects to talk to you about. I'm still awash in the feelings and the intellectual part hasn't quite kicked in about it yet. So likely gonna be a bit disjointed today...(I know, so what else is new?)
Love,
LT

L, I wish I could take the advice I've been given and just let myself email you. I even typed one out - I just can't send it, though. I'm so afraid you'll get more angry at me and that I'll make the situation even worse than it already is. Maybe you're not even thinking about it or me anymore. I don't know. I just keep thinking, what if I do email you and ask to schedule again, what if you say no? That would feel worse than I do now. I need to just leave this alone until a full month has gone by because you said we should take a month-long break. Why did that hurt me so damn much when I'm the one wanting to end in November anyway? What the hell is wrong with me? I need you. I'm wrong to want to end. I was just about to SAY that even when you said we should take a month off. I'm struggling not to hate myself right now. I refuse to let all the work we did and all the progress I made mean nothing. Because it means the world to me. I just need to figure out how to get through this. I need you, but I can't have you, so I just have to pull up my big girl panties and tough it out. I'm sorry for everything L. So sorry. Sorry that I hurt you. Sorry that I tried to end before it was really time. Sorry I'm an idiot. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And so sad.

just ignore me everyone here. i can't help it. i need to pour it out of me.

I'm not sure what it says about me or my T that I know exactly what your T is saying....however she ought to explain it not just say it because the first 50 times my T said something like that to me I was also "Wtf does tgat mean????"