Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

FM

Your words are ring in my ear. Thank you for them.

So I've had longer to think about what transpired today, and I'd like to amend my previous statement.

F*** you FOR REAL.

Dear Dr. S, Miss you. Wish I'd see you tonight simple cuz I'd like you to meet grandson and tonight would be good opportunity for that. Love you. I'm glad we, I guess I, sorted things out and found you again. With love, me

You USED and ABUSED me for years. The way I see it YOU OWE ME!!

Dear Former T,

I'm starting to realize you could never give me what I wanted. Not if you had to "avoid" me, I can give that to myself. Everything happened the way it was meant to. Our lives will move on, although I admit that it will be a bit more challenging for me, being as though you were a part of my real life...but I was never apart of yours.

For the first time in a long time, I'm not playing out this overidealized situation in my head where I daydream that we may end up as friends and that I should leave the door open for your return. I shouldn't. How would my needs be met then, if the facade of you couldn't contain the mask in therapy?
No. We end here. It's time to get off the ride.

I truly did care for you and I don't think you meant to hurt me, intentionally. We just aren't meant to make this next journey with eachother. Doesn't mean I don't wish the best for you, but I need to start wanting what's best for me...first. It's not selfish.

Kashi-I'm lonely and I worry you can't help me with that.

L - I am so confused and hurting so much tonight. I don't understand. Your last email to me said that "We have agreed on closure" among other things. What session were you in?! I have no closure. I felt kicked out early. Last I heard we were going to review our work together over a few more sessions and end in November. Suddenly on the 19th you said you need a month off and you are calling that closure?! What? I don't understand. Maybe I am just stupid. I probably shouldn't come back even though you said your door was open if/when I wanted to come back to say goodbye. I don't know what to do. I should go away from PC I know. I let someone else's post of their own experience throw me into turmoil again and that was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid Art. Because now I hate myself again. I'll get past this, I know I will, just tonight, I feel abysmal again. I'm not going to stuff the feelings, I'm letting myself cry, talking to h, writing, I will get through this. It just feels terrible at the moment.

you know what I am realizing L? I think you were in over your head with me and my attachment and too stubborn to admit it. That's what I think.

Then again what do I know. I'm hurting right now.

T maybe quitting was a good idea. At least I'm getting stuff done now.

Yesterday we talked a little yesterday about this workshop that I went to this past week. I explained how the program uses sensory cognition to teach reading. It's actually really cool stuff, and you seem intrigued. You commented on how it seems that I have the ability to visualize things well.

Well, do you know what I've been visualizing for the last 25 minutes? Me going into your office next Saturday and tearing you to shreds (verbally, of course). Why on earth would you bring up December out of literally nowhere. Did you want me to come in yesterday and talk about our last session? How embarrassing that was for me? How I came home that night and cried myself to sleep? How it consumed my thoughts for days, maybe weeks?

I couldn't do that. I've moved on as best as I could. I did it alone because I didn't have a choice. You're the one yammering on about how strong I am, how resilient I am. So I demonstrate some strength and resiliency and you get upset?

Okay, so most of this is probably projection. But then why would you make it so blatantly obvious that you want me to move on from you? I'll help you find another therapist, reflect on how you can be close to someone who isn't me.

Do you think I wanted this, to become attached to you?! The first time we talked about this, I told you that I fought against it because I knew you were leaving, and that it was stupid.

I hate myself for allowing myself to be attached to you. I brought the pain that I'm feeling right now on myself. But I thought that you were competent enough to help me through this. You advertise heavily your ability to work with childhood trauma. This is what it looks like. If you weren't ready to deal with this on a deadline, you should have referred me out in January when you made the decision to de-panel.

Now I understand why in informed consents they say that therapy can have negative side effects.

I can't decide who I hate more: you for making me feel this way, or myself for allowing a situation that makes me feel this way.

Hoping that therapy will help you to find the courage to face me again. Seems like your therapist is taking his sweet time. I know it's hard to admit you were wrong but it's a necessary part of being an adult and critical if you want to continue practicing as a counselor.

It's 423 here in California and I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I'm in a nightmare. My feelings run the gamut of sheer denial and sad acceptance.

In one of my last sessions with you, I looked at you and said:

Do you think i WANT to be attached to you? I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this. I didn't anticipate this happening or I would have fixed it. Don't you understand id take it back (the attachment) in a heartbeat, so it would be easier for the both of us? Everything was fine before. I don't know how I allowed this to happen.

You sat there and the look ok your face alone screamed you didn't know what to say and may have even been a little hurt. But with me, you can't show that because it would be all about YOUR feelings. Wondering if I'm too much for you. God, here I go again. Ugh...

J,

Yes. I'm cancelling my sessions. I may come see you one last time in September to officially terminate. I'm sorry - this seems harsh. You've been really amazingly helpful in getting me through S leaving. But, last week's session made me feel so unsafe and ashamed that I just can't bear to come back.

Me.

Dear MC,
I had a dream last night that I was at your house for dinner with you and your wife (who was still alive and a brunette in my dream--or maybe you'd remarried already?). For some reason, you both were speaking with British accents (I guess your wife could have had a British accent...). You were serving lasagna with green beans, and H was saying that the green beans weren't good, and you agreed. I said that no, the green beans were good (which made your wife smile), they just didn't go well with lasagna.

Then, after dinner, your wife was showing me this necklace that you got her. It was really gaudy, gold with all these shells on it, and it said "Bahamas." She said you got it on your last trip there, and gave her the necklace to let her know you'd be moving there. Then, you came in and started talking excitedly to me about the house you'd put an offer on down there. I was upset and left the room, found a red pen and was writing stuff all over my arms, including a poem expressing my sadness that you were leaving. I think I left shortly after that, then ended up calling you in the middle of the night, and I think we talked a bit.

So...you're not moving to the Bahamas, right?
Love,
LT

Remember the quote from that movie?
"So we meet... We have a good time together. But when you leave, your life goes on, and my life ends"

You have a life. I have you. I'm so miserable

Today is a struggle, a real struggle... want to feel your support, want to feel important even if it is for an hour. Fed up with this, being alone in life is not good, but nor is depending on you

It's not a good sign when you can't fall asleep till four, you doze a few hours, you wake up sleep-deprived and already thinking of sh.

I think I'll take a Lunesta and sleep the rest of the day.

I would be seeing you today but you're SO FAR AWAY

(LT)

I am frequently worried that M will pick up and move to Mexico, he spends a lot of time there...
It seemed irrational until a few weeks ago when I found out L is retiring to CA next summer, where she also spent all her vacations

How would you like me to terminate my treatment with you? Email or in person?

I'd at least go talk to him, explain how he hurt you...

I feel this so much. Just before my last session, I saw my T walking down the block holding hands with his girlfriend, a huge smile on his face. I was having a hard day already and seeing this I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I'm so jealous of the life he has, that I can't seem to find, and I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Hi vacation T,
I hope you can take some of the urges away from me tomorrow... Or help me cope with them.

T,
Uh... I hope you enjoy your vacation. You deserve it.

60 hours and 53 minutes to go!!!