Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Dear whatever T,

I don't know why I'm still in therapy. Ok, I do know, because I'm still too afraid to do you know what. Therapy isn't helping. 2,5 years I've been back in therapy. No change. All right, there was maybe a little bit or improvement in sight, but that was gone when I had to start with a new T.
I can't be helped. You might not believe that, but be realistic. Open your eyes. I'm not being negative. I'm looking at the ****ing facts!
I don't believe all the **** you sort say. I know better. I know better than to trust T's and believe everything T's say. That is what I've learned from 10 years of seeing T's.
I can't be helped.

T: I REALLY HOPE i don't have to cancel tomorrow because of this bed bug thing. kill me.

T,

Only 4 more days!! The time has flown by for sure!! I suspect that this week we get slower though. It's been a long time since I have had three weeks between sessions. Not sure how or where to start. Nothing hide happened. I still hate myself, so that's not new. Still haven't re-started my meds. We'll see.. btw- happy bday! (In like 15 mins anyways). I hate that you told me you had the same birthday as Harry Potter now I don't ever do her it! See you soon!

(((Healed))) oh carp, that reminds me! Session on ts birthday! Hes been on vacation the last few years so i havent had to deal with it. Aiiieeeee!!!!

Hey it's me again
I think I felt better when I was seeing you weekly
But...
Now every session is even more important. And I try to use it as productive as possible.
I don't know, T
Miss you

Hi T
Miss you already. See you on 11 sept

L, last night I found myself doing something like bargaining in my head. That's another of the stages of grief so I've read. I was thinking along the lines of 'L, if you could just hear my psyche right now and contact me some way I will come back and finish the rest of this work that I think you can help me with now that I know what it is." pathetic begging is what I want to do. But won't because I'm too stubborn. I also won't tell you that right before you said we should take a month break, I was about to say that I had realized I wasn't ready to end and had changed my mind about it but then you said that and little Art felt abandoned (stupid!) but couldn't speak it and later I sent the email that ruined everything for good. I'm so sorry. I just can't forgive myself. And now you're going out of town maybe you've already left for a week and even if my stubborn would let me, I can't call you. How am I going to wait until a full month has gone by?! I try not to focus on the hurt I feel, I really do, but a couple days ago it just started playing over and over in my head in this ridiculous loop and I can't make it stop. I need to just stay away from here again for awhile I guess. Something somebody else said somewhere else about all of this really got to me and made me feel so defective and stupid. I get so much help here too, wish there was some way to just see the help and not the stuff that's hurtful. I miss you t and I'm so so so sorry. Please don't hate me.

i miss you but i also don't care if i come anymore. i think i'm wasting your time by showing up. I'm hopeless anyway

Could you just tell your t all that, about why you didn't open up about terminating, or about the break. And tell her you feel sorry if what you wrote was something hurtful? It sounds you really want to talk with her and say everything you left unsaid. Take care now.

You are NOT, NOT, NOT defective & neither are you stupid!! You are a caring & feeling person. That is clear to anyone. I'm 101% certain that your T doesn't 'hate' you. You've been with her for a long time. She's stayed with you on your journey. Maybe the time apart will give you both time to reflect. I totally get the stubborn bit, but, you may just be missing out by it. Just a thought. Take care of you Art. Keep posting as it enables you to get it out & gives you a chance to process in your own time. It's easy for us who are not in your situation & feel the things that you are feeling, to give advice. Not so easy in your position though & I understand that. Hugs.

J,

I could tell by your message back to me that you are nervous that my cancelling these appointments with you could be a sign that I'll do something to myself. However, your message back also reaffirmed my decision that you're not the right fit for me. If you tell me ONE MORE TIME that I can go to the hospital or use a hotline if I'm overwhelmed....

Sigh. And yet... I am kind of sad. I'd grown slightly fond of our sessions. Though, that's mostly been ruined by the terrible fracture...or, shall we call it, demolition...last week.

Me

C (potential new therapist who I am meeting today),

I am super wary of you.

Hi R,

It's me again, crying at kids' films...again. I feel like I'm choking on it, meanwhile everything around me seems 'normal'. That's probably down to me not being able to voice it to anyone else. Looking forward to showing you the trilogy of drawings in three weeks' time. I need you to connect with me when I'm in that place where I can't speak, when I'm shaking my head and trying to get it out that way. Please ask me what's going on, and I will do my best to get the words out.

I want to tell you, but telling you brings it to the surface like...nothing else. It's helplessness, fear, anger...and endless sadness. The grief wells up as nausea when I pick my guitar up, because that doesn't mean anything any more.

I'm spending all the time I am not talking to you finding ways to run...this hurts.

Art, I am so sorry you are going through this! But I think your feelings are so normal - you are so very hard on yourself. Do you really believe your therapist wouldn't help you with the next stage? I think it would be really good to talk to her and sort out what's going on. I think you have very little to lose by being open with her about all your feelings here, since it seeems otherwise you are just going to have one more session and be done, when it's clear you are working through so much and have so much to say. I can see that it's possible that something weird is going on with her that is making her not fit for the task, but I think it would be really good to sort out and make sure that is what is really happening.

But you are really being so, so hard on yourself. I don't think you've done anything wrong, and your feelings seem perfectly normal. I don't know - I think if your therapist is really incapable of handling your emotions then she probably isn't right for you to be working with right now, but if that's the case (and I feel like maybe you can't quite be sure of that just yet? But maybe I'm wrong) the fault is with her, not you. This is precisely the stuff she should be trained to handle, and a time like this when that training should be kicking in.

Dear Former T,

For an hour last night, I didn't think of you at all. It was heaven. Bliss. I was too concentrated on my own life, thinking about dating again, and imagining what that would be like to find someone special. For an entire hour, you didn't even cross my mind and it wasn't like I was "avoiding" feeling any pain. I was just happy about the futur, even though you're not in it.

This gives me hope. It also gives me the key: I need to build my life and accept what has happened. The more and more I think of it, I know that you can't give me what I need. You took me as far as you can take me.

Every morning though, I find myself resetting. I wake up feeling major loss, but it slowly dissipates. Your DBT program has helped, because it taught me to deal with underlying feelings instead of the surface ones we do often get stuck in. Still, I find some of those root feelings difficult to access and have to dig to find them. I get closer every day, but I've yet to really cry.

I think about a termination session with you and what that would be like. It's not something that would benefit me at the moment, so I put those thoughts away.

You were the perfect person for me at the perfect time. Exactly what I needed, but things have changed now. I see things with a bit more clarity. This loss would have devastated me one year ago...I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed, laugh, or smile. I'd be over analyzing and my thoughts would betray me. I'd feel the burden of enormous guilt, ignoring any role you played in it. The little girl in me would refuse to let you go and we'd be stuck in an ugly cycle and things would just get worse. This time, I am not doing that.

You did very much help me and I'm so appreciative of your generosity and kindness. One day, I'll find a way to pay you back (anonymously). Until then, there is a soft spot in my heart for the long-haired version of you. This new version of you kinda lost me. I know your somewhere in there...a shade of grey, as you said, since we are never black and white.

I'm choosing to begin the day in gratitude, but realistic acceptance. I'll have my ups and downs, but maybe bliss today will last longer than an hour and I'll work on my own life- because it's beautiful. If I found you, I can find someone new who embodies what you meant to me and this time, they can reciprocate.

(((((Art))))) I'm so sorry - I can feel the pain coming from your words.

FM and KL,

Thank you for telling me and teaching me to fight for what I really want. It's going to be published. The H committee had no problem with it not having a ROI.

Dear MC,
Feeling really nervous about our appointment all of a sudden...
See you in less than an hour,
LT

Unreal,
Disconnected,
Isolated,
Empty,
Numb,
Alone,
Unwanted.

So you're probably gone now. I imagine your and your kids are headed east on that highway as I type this.

You don't know how often I looked towards that direction of town and thought of you and smiled knowing your office was 'just over there." How many coffees I had looking at the dawn, imagining you with your kids and you getting them ready for school. How many mornings I woke up and thought - "I get to see her again soon."

I told you I could be obsessive but I do have good boundaries. You let me see your facebook and now I pretty much know your whole life story going back about ten years. It's wild to see how you've changed in your expression and professionalism just in the past few years. You were so 'young' and now I get what you meant when you told me how you've grown. I can pin point the time you went from point a to point b and I think about the moment you revealed your own 'mistakes' to me. I feel so much empathy for that young woman and the journey she's been through. I can see the moment things were hard for you and I can see her vulnerability. I can see her joy and strength.

You told me once you've been "exactly" where I am. I understand the countertransference angle now. I do see what you meant, but I have to say, though we've had similar challenges, your path and mine are not that much alike. I have never had the resources you do. I'm sick with envy at how connected you are with your family. You've always known what you wanted to be. You've always had a strong foundation and career path. I'd give anything to have half your vision and sense of self purpose but maybe the lesson for me here is Yes, there is a reason I struggle where others move ahead. I have to 'have compassion' for that.

I'm happy as hell that you get to do what you want now and are moving to a beautiful part of the country. Your dreams have come true it seems and you deserve all of it.

You don't know that I almost went out dancing last week. I almost went there the and the next morning FB told me you were there too— on your last night out. I will forever wonder what it would have been like to see you dancing with your family. It's probably good that I didn't. You like to talk about "fate" and "the universe" bringing people to where they need to be. I wonder why it made our circles so close but never to cross... Was it "fate" that said to me, 'no stay home, you're tired' that night? I'm gonna say yes. Our last good bye was meant to be in that office. That's how you'll remember me.

And now I'm truly wondering why you friend your old clients on Facebook (surely I'm not the only one). Is it to ease the transition or is it to let yourself believe that they'll be okay? Was it for me or for you? I "have a lot to offer," you said to me once almost in passing. It sounded dismissive at the time. Maybe my positive lesson in all of this is that someone like you could actually be impressed by me in some little way. I hope you'll remember me. I hope when you said you'd keep my gift in your new office, you meant it. It thrills me to think you might unpack that at your new place and have a brief moment with me in your thoughts as you start your new practice. You have no idea how much that heals me. Maybe I do matter.

I love you and I'll miss you. Please always be safe and happy. I'll try to take care of me as best I can.

Hey T. So not the right time. Let's leave everything complexitus (that _is_ word) until it doesn't matter. Right?

Normally I'd be seeing you in an hour.
This is strange.
I do not like it.
I want my third session back.

Dear MC,
Feeling all kinds of paternal transference after that session...Your holding and patting that pillow while saying soothing and caring things...the way that you, yet again, figured out exactly what I was feeling and what I needed...your reassurance that it is OK to have those needs...
I love you,
LT

Love you.

Whereeeeeeeee are you