Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

I don't know what to write here. There's so much going on in my head. How can I articulate it. Aclcpapalekakapaqroockekdkcmmrlapakxkdoocgodoslalckwkdksoakcwkakvoexkdkskckskxkkskvkiskxkthhhhhh.

Its a sign to be kind to yourself. Take time to rest.

The midweek struggle has begun! Is attachment a good or bad thing? I can't figure it out, sometimes it helps but sometimes it's hard!

Please don't be mad please please don't be mad please don't be mad

Dear Dr S, I'm sorry. So sorry. I won't do it again. - me

Well done Art. I know what a struggle it was for you. Be proud of yourself.

I made light again of the fact that you are going on holiday in a couple of weeks time. I am already anxious & im crying about it now & you've not even gone yet! I wish I could come with you. I just know if I tell you just how I'm feeling about it, I'll just cry & cry. All these ridiculous things keep going through my head like, what if you die & I never see you again? What if you come to your senses whilst you are away & decide you really don't want me as a client when you get back? Will you decide to retire & not tell me? Why do I think you will abandon me eh? We've been together for nearly 4 years. I hate this!

Omg you hate me now don't you I'm sorry I'm so pathetic

Did she respond or ???

Oh no it's too early yet to expect that. I'm just freaking out don't mind me....

S (exT)

I saw you are up to be approved for licensure in Arizona tomorrow. Finally.
I've no idea how you are.
No idea how bad your cancer is. If you're ok. If you're still drinking too much. If you're still self-destructing.

I feel homeless without you.
Forever lost.

So t I'm glad I sent the email because the wanting to was making me crazy but not knowing if/how you will respond is only marginally better. Best just to forget about it, just put it outta my mind. I miss you.

Dear T, I kind of wish I was in your family and that you could take me on holiday with you!
(But I bet if that really happened, I would soon discover lots of annoying things about the people in your family...)Satsuma

S (exT),

no matter how much you f-ed me up
I'm furiously jealous of whoever your new clients will be next week
and I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone
and I love you more than I've ever loved anyone

You asked if I figured out the feelings. I did. I was jealous. Extremely jealous. I don't want you to be with other people how you once were with me. If I can't have it then they shouldn't. I don't wanna talk about this tomorrow because I have already figured it out and I don't want you to take away the extra things you do for me that you don't do for others. Let's leave things how they are and pretend I didn't freak out on Tuesday, okay? OK.

ohmygoddessiwanttheoldusbackandiwanttotalkabotutheserecentinsightsandandandwhathaveidonetwhathaveidone

Art, would you consider seeing someone new in the meantime, while you go through this?

Dear t,

You ended session by saying you would be on vacation next week so I can't see you. I would have liked a little more notice, even if it just meant telling me at the beginning of the session. Instead you left me feeling strange and I don't have a chance to talk to you about this until you are back.

Do u hate me

nope.

(i picture your T to be young and dashing with just a hint of quirk)

Thank you for letting me stay late and telling you quick summaries of the rest of my days. And letting us finish the puzzle. I am glad it stayed at your office. You were so kind today.

i may try to do that we have the 3 free sessions or whatever through my work i might should do that. awhile back when i considered it i applied for the special code to give the t, but never got the email. i should try again. thank you calilady.

I left my planner at school, and I forgot to put our appointments in my phone. So I have no idea when our appointment is on Saturday. I hope you text me tomorrow instead of the fictional psychologist in my dream.

I would say that last week is water under the bridge, but I feel like working through this may be really beneficial to my treatment.

I feel like I'll do a lot of talking at the beginning. I have a lot to say.

ETA: oh Jesus H. We really need to clear up our stuff, RoboT, but my bio mom just reached out to me. I don't know what to dooooooooooo.

Kashi please read up on my medical condition. You asked how to help and educating yourself would be a start. Just a Wikipedia or web md article just something. I need your support but with support it kinda means a basic understanding. And yes it could kill me

Dear New T,

You've got a couple of sessions left, buddy. Three sessions in, time to start getting focused. I don't have much left in me...kinda heart broken over the last experience.

Here's hoping we get somewhere tomorrow.