Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Frankly, I wonder how YOU can hold your head up without being embarrassed about how YOU treat YOUR clients. It's despicable. I'd like to throw you in jail myself. mmm maybe someday I'll find a way.

All because you could not face YOUR MISTAKES or apologize.

Thank you, t. I really needed this opportunity to say goodbye. I couldn't leave things like they were.

Hi T,

If I acted the way I feel... just lay down on the floor whenever it overcomes me... at the train station, wherever....

What would happen?

I don't hate you like I did after last weeks session. You were willing to have the conversations that are needed. We're trying to work through this.

And yet, I'm so very, very sad.

Daisy, please tell me to shut up and go away if I'm being an annoying twat here and poking my nose in where it doesn't belong, but... on reading your In Session post, I wondered why you hadn't addressed any of what upset you last week... I didn't see where he was willing to have the conversations that were needed? Is that just 'cos you didn't write about that part, or...?

Sorry you're so very sad.

Oh, yeah, the whole thing started after I told him about the dream. I told him how upset I was after last week and why. That I had heard what he said, but what he said and what I internalized were two very different things. His response was the I'm honored you're sharing, I can see how painful this is for you, etc.

I didn't point blank call him out for triggering me or his disposition last week, because it wasn't important in that moment. I'm too beat down after the last week to be angry. I'm just tired and hurt.

Ah, I see. Thank you for explaining.

I totally understand that you didn't feel like calling him out or whatever - and I didn't mean to suggest that I think you should have done anything in particular, I hope I didn't seem to be.

I guess I just want roboT to understand what he did and how much it hurt you and learn from it.

No, you didn't, but your question made me realize something.

I'm not comfortable in the relationship with him anymore. After I wrote my post I said, "well, why didn't I call him out?"

My inner response was "what does it matter?" Regardless of what happens, this is finite. It will end. Why continue to try and invest in a relationship that has an end? To use a word that he used today, it's humiliating.

Im probably doing this because I'm trying to protect myself from allowing him to hurt me again. Because if I can create distance, December won't be as bad. I'll be totally out by then. I can't even bear to call him by his name now.

So here I am. Repeating the same patterns over and over. Way to go, Daisy.

I'm sorry to have led you to a painful realisation...

I know it sucks to realise that you're repeating a pattern, but, at least in my experience, those realisations are often the first step on the way to changing them.

It's just that you have to spend some time in that horrible place where you can see yourself doing it and yet can't stop yourself...

S (ExT),

Nothing you do will ever make me not love you.
You can't make me not love you.
You can only hurt someone who loves you.
You can't save me from the pain of being with you through cancer.
You can only give me the pain of being hurt by someone I love so dearly as he attempts to make me not love him.
But you can't make me not love you.

T, I am looking forward to seeing you Wednesday even though it's going to be difficult. I want to ask you to work with me on this need for maternal approval stuff, and talk about how I became so dependent on you emotionally, and stuff I hope we can take more than one session to work through this then say goodbye. I am going to miss you but if we end things on a positive note, rather than where we were 2 weeks ago, it will be okay.

Did I miss a post? She answered?

Yes, this morning. She agreed to see me this Wednesday. I'm so relieved.

Dear Jess,

I really miss you. I haven't said that to someone in a platonic way, since I was 16 years old.
Over half of my life. With all of the fighting and difficulty we had at the end, we never discussed it. It does feel nice to say it.

I truly miss you.

-Angie

Oh wow! I'm so happy for you!

Thanks. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye but not as hard as not being able to.

Is that what the session will be about? Ending?

Well unless I get up the nerve to ask to continue until November. Not sure I will.

I don't understand how you can make me feel better so easily. You would say it's about the strength of our connection, but it still seems like straight-up witchcraft.

I hope it doesn't have a downside.

I really like feeling not-empty.

Dear T,

You say I am not sabotaging myself, but I feel like I am. I don't know why and maybe I'm not. But it feels like I am. You should run in another direction.

T
Thanks for helping me ride out that last attachment-issue dance. Thanks for holding steady.
I know you think new T is better for me because she has more experience with DID but I am attached to you. I want to ask you if I can return to you after your maternity leave but I am afraid you'll say no.
But if I don't ask I'll never know if the answer could have been yes would I?
What would you say T?

Hey T.
I really, really, really, really, wish I could see you before my meeting on monday. I KNOW, we talked Friday afternoon, and that should have helped...except, it didn't.

I don't know what to do. Why does this feel like the most important decision I've made in a really long time?

This weekend has been miserable. I wish I could talk to you again...

Dear T. I don't know if you remember what next Sunday is, I don't expect you to. I don't know if I'll be able to bring it up. I'd love to just sit and cuddle next week.

S (ExT),

I cried for you again last night. As I have nearly every night. For 4 months. A third of a year. A third of a year since my world was destroyed...since you destroyed my world. A friend of mine says it was nearly 2 years before she felt free. And, you told me this might never get better.

Do you start your new job tomorrow? Do you start chemo soon? Will you be back in the area this month? Next? I have so many questions. It's been 27 days since we last spoke. Coming up now on the 1-month mark; I'd said this break would likely be a month, but it will be longer. Because I cried for you again last night. Like I have nearly every night for the past 4 months.

Hi t

Struggling with anxiety which as led to paranoia. Especially at my new job. I had to speak with the manager about a CSM who was being very rude to me. Even a customer told me I need to speak up for myself. Because she saw the CSM and how abrasive she is with me. The manager said he'll take care of it and its not the first time.

I'm so worried hell talk to her and she'll retaliate or other people will shun me

I couldn't take it anymore tho. I felt incredibly nervous around her. Like walking on eggshells. Constantly wondering if I'm doing something wrong. Which reminded me of my dad

Also now that my roommates have moved out the nights are paranoia prime time for me.

This morning I heard the front door slam. I got right up out of bed bc I was lying there. No one was here. I think it was just in my mind

Anyway I see you in 3 hours. I hope it's not too awkward.

Me..