Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Dear CW,

I don't miss you. I think of you and think "meh."

On the other hand, I recall back in July we agreed that I would not suddenly disappear on you without talking to you first, and you would stop musing to me about whether you were the right therapist for me or not. (You're not. But that's for me to decide, not you, and especially given my experience with Smaug you bringing up that possibility again and again was not helpful to me at all.)

So, I feel like I should come back one more time. Even though I think it would be a waste of time and money.

ATAT

Hi R,

Finally, we're in the hallowed territory of seven more sleeps. How I hate it when it feels like everything is going to go to ****, regardless of what I say or do. I'm not sure what our agenda is going to look like next week. I've become an emotional mess in your absence. Well, I can't keep a lid on it as effectively as I used to...I really don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I will definitely need you to keep me talking when I clam up, because I know I will. The mid-point between the stuff that needs to come out, and the ease with which I can stuff it down now is difficult to negotiate.

Then there's what is going on with J. If I reach out now, I'm reaching out for the wrong reasons, but that sense that it's all going to fall apart is pervasive, and extremely triggering.

I really don't know where we're going to begin.

Hi t. I should have asked for a half-session yesterday. I'm sitting in the airport right now crying silently. Boarding starts in 15 minutes. The funeral's going to be hard and there will be a gazillion people there. But it will be nice to see my girlfriends.

I just want you to hold me

Thank you so much for responding. I have not contacted S. I emailed you instead.

To be wholly honest, your saying that you are jealous of my feelings towards S scares me. It's not something I knew or even crossed my mind. It scares me, because, honestly, I thought my feelings towards S were and are unhealthy. And, your saying you are jealous of them implies, to me, that you want me to feel similarly towards you. So, to me it seems like you're saying you want me to feel unhealthy feelings towards you. Perhaps I'm understanding that wrong, though. Maybe you could clarify?

Your whole response also scares me because... well... it reminds me of things S used to say to me. Things that hit this emotional "spot" in me that I always describe as "hurts but also feels good." (Basically, they are comforting in a way that I'm not used to being comforted; in a way that I only used to fantasize about being comforted in order to self-soothe...so it overwhelms me when it comes from someone else...and the intense emotional response I have to hearing these things brings a sort of twisting painful sensation in my gut.) In any case, I'm hugely cognizant of the fact that "hearing" things like that from someone makes me get really attached possibly way too fast...and that is terrifying. I'm almost, I guess... scared of being comforted by things you say.

I'm also scared that you will say comforting things, you will be here readily like you have been...for just a while... long enough for me to get really attached... and then you will step way back, stop saying these things, stop responding to me, and I will be left in a state of desperation, not knowing why that change happened, if I did something wrong, if or when you might "throw me a small bit of it again," that it will interfere in how I function, that I will be miserable... basically, I'm afraid of the same thing that happened with S happening here.

I'm just scared. But also grateful. I want to be comforted by your response, but I'm afraid I shouldn't be. I'm just scared.

---

I needed to add a couple more things to my response.... I will be brief, and totally understand if we don't talk about ANY of this til our session Monday:

I also sort of took your "I'm jealous of your feelings towards S" statement as "don't have those feelings towards S; have them towards me." I already addressed the fear of having them towards you, but, moreover, not having those feelings towards S seems impossible...

I felt in telling me that you were jealous that you were implying that I shouldn't contact or feel these things towards S because it hurts you. Basically, I now know where you are vulnerable and feel a need to protect you and, therefore, could do things with the wrong motivations: e.g., not contact S to avoid hurting you rather than for my own reasons.

T, I am in one of those places I recognize I've been before and I get what you meant last week... I recognize it and I know how to get out of it cuz I've been here before and gotten out. So I'll ride this out and know I'll be ok. See you next week.

Dear MC,
I want to contact you and be like, "Yay, I did good on my GREs!" But I won't. I might send you a "?" because I still haven't heard anything. But I'm not sending you happy news. You'll have to give me some sort of response first (ideally a call, but text or e-mail at this point is preferable to silence). Now that I'm done with the tests, it's like I'm letting myself feel stuff about you again...just feeling ignored and maybe a tiny bit abandoned. Sure you've probably been busy, but usually you seem to make time for me...and I saw your door closed yesterday when I saw T, so pretty sure you're around...
LT

C,

Thank you for both of your emails further explaining your meanings.

I'm sorry I came into your life. I am too much.

I want to curl up in your office and go to sleep, now.

Hi T,

Yeah, this might have been a good idea... Considering how I'm doing after 2.5 hours.

I'm angry at you for caring though. I really am. And I might even tell you because I do trust you more and more. Damn. I don't want to. Why are you so nice?

Even after everything has been said and done I still wish you good things in life

I'm hurting so much that I want to reach out to you. But I can't because it's evidence I want to affect you or whatever. Where do I turn when the problem is you?

Dear MC,
Sorry to be so annoying with the e-mail, then a text letting you know I'd e-mailed (and sorry to your clients, because I'm sure you pulled out your phone "just to check the number"). But at least say *something* to me, in some format. Now I don't have the GRE to distract me, so feeling sad. This topic is just a particularly difficult one for me to have you seeming to ghost me on... and you of all people (being a psychologist and all) should realize that...
LT

MC,
And sorry if that last e-mail was harsh, but I need to let you know how this is affecting me.
LT

S,

**** I miss you. I miss you so much. I have never missed someone this much before. I am losing hope that I will ever stop missing you or crying for you every night.
---

C,

How could I possibly risk this level of hurt again? I honestly don't think that I'm capable of it. I know you want me to trust you, to lean on you, but I just... want... S. I want S. And it hurts so much... I can't breathe. I just want S. I don't want you. I want him.

Dear MC,
Thanks for the call. Sorry I was so harsh with you in the e-mail. What you said and how you talked about things really helped. So...I forgive you and think you're awesome again--even if you don't know anything (as you said in the call)!
Love,
LT

Dear Old T's:

I've spent the last 20 minutes crying my eyes out, mourning the loss of therapist #2.

And for the first time in two years, I find myself without a therapist this week. Such an odd feeling; I'm unsure of what to do.

I think I have talked to you more days than not these last two weeks. Thanks for being there and having my back during the scary things. I will always appreciate your willingness to do what it takes to help me when I need you.

Hey T.

I have two drafts of e-mails sitting in my email box that I really don't have much desire to send. Basically, words don't matter right now.

Am I better now because the "loop" isn't playing in my head so much? As long as I didn't see the actual crash, I am fine!

I was cloooosseeeee, but never witnessed it. Until the 1 million times I"ve watched videos of it happening.

And then today. Barcelona.

It makes me sick.

But its fine, T.

Just cried for the first time over this. I feel very numb lately. Like I just don't care. But I know I will miss you

So remind me again, what the f are we actually doing?

T,

I'm always stunned when my chosen sibling in the USA tells me that my experiences with those two bosses would be considered hate speech and something I could sue for.

I have no reason to live.
I'm sorry.
I love you

Capt are you safe? Is there anything we can do for you?