Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Thanks for caring luc
But no one can help

Uhh... that doesn't sound good.

We care about you. Please stay safe.

FM & KL,

Your save the date invitations went out early this morning. Sorry, that you both have to rearrange clients. Interestingly, I don't feel bad about this. I feel honored that you both are willing to be there for me. I wish I could clone you guys and make a business out of the snake oils you sale. I'm glad I found your particular brands of snake oil because they worked for me.

Please be safe captgut. You matter, you have worth. I'm sorry you're in such pain.

Baby what have I done*
Gone and left you, all alone*
It's hard for me to sing this song*
We've been together for so long*
I think I know what my soul's got to say*
And it won't hurt as bad, someday*

It's gonna be alright, baby*
It's gonna be alright, love*
And if the mist ever lets the sun through*
I'll just hope I did the right thing for me and you*

Guess I'm ruled by my heart*
Built a life and I tore it all apart*
It's just not our time*
But you'll find a new love, and you'll be fine*
So many dark and lonely nights*
But I believe someday I'll see the light*

It's gonna be alright, baby*
It's gonna be alright, love*
And if the mist ever lets the sun through*
I'll just hope I did the right thing for me and you

It's gonna be alright, baby*
It's gonna be alright, love*
And if the mist ever lets the sun through*
I'll just hope I did the right thing for me and you*

For me and you

Yes, when I'm home alone I feel awful... But there's always part of me that thinks: hey, if everything else breaks... if you really feel that extremly miserable... you can still go to the crisis center.

Now I'm at the crisis center and still feel exactly the same way. And there's no "next" option. I'll just feel that way for ever, won't I?

Also that exercise you told me to, where I'm supposed to hug my inner child or something... I can't help myself but batter her in my thoughts instead.

Your reply gives me hope that we can work this out. I've been in physical pain with the stress and sadness today but your PS did lift me. I felt it and believed it. I love you.

I guess you're not going to text me a reminder. Whatever.

Jerk.

ETA: Nevermind. You're just running late today. Part of me is hopeful that we can work through all of this. I want to.

I feel like such a loser. I am looking forward to watching the solar eclipse on t.v. but am not looking forward to going back to work. This is more difficult that I want it to be. I feel like I'm an idiot and nobody cares. Why do I even bother? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. After contacting some people, this upcoming year doesn't seem to be something to look forward to. Where are you? Not here

I am not well. So I'm going to spend my Saturday in bed, thinking of you.

Hooray.

I want to go home. Quit pdoc. Quit breathing woman. Quit you.

I can't be helped and there's no point in doing this anymore. Wasting time, energy. There are two options: either I get myself under control or I don't.

I'm in the waiting room. You're laughing with the woman before me.

Why don't we laugh anymore?

You have no idea about my life, you never will. Aren't you lucky?

I'm so embarrassed to see you again? Can I even look at you? And how will you look at me? The same as always no doubt, it's like you don't get fazed, but surely you do, surely under your calm exterior you annoyed at me and think I'm stupid aswell!

I'm sorry you met me.
2 weeks to go? 3 weeks? I miss you

We're going to sort this out....aren't we?

Oh well you don't exist. Ok fine

S (ExT),

Sigh... can you please get off my mind now? Out of my thoughts? To the back of my brain, maybe?

TMC.

----

C,

I'm glad that I see you the day after tomorrow. Despite my fear, I am already attaching to you (SLOWLY) in that I am feeling that you are a safe person and your office is a safe place. And, I reassure myself that I've got you to go to when I need help. Thank you for that.

TMC

MC,
I totally teared up at your response to my e-mail. Even though all you said was "No worries. Thanks." I assume the "no worries" part was about my apology for the harsh e-mail. Or maybe just a "no worries" in general...Pretty sure overall it was just you acknowledging that you'd read my e-mail (and that it was OK). Which I appreciate. And which apparently touched me emotionally. You talked to me for a half hour a couple nights ago. So I certainly don't expect some lengthy response to my e-mail. It was really more expository anyway. With the phone call, you showed me (yet again) how much you care (even if you took longer to get back to me than I'd have liked), and that means the world to me.
Love,
LT

Hi R,

Four more sleeps 'til we next meet. Praying that I will have the guts to explain the extent of things when we do. I've missed your calm perspective, and the sense of agency I seem to have when I know that I can talk about how things have been.

She's 'collapsed in the bathroom' every night for the last three weeks or so. Within five minutes of my lying down to sleep, I might add. The intense frustration and powerlessness of that moment are still writ large in my memory, and it hurts like hell. It would have been quite enough to give me a simple summary, but they insisted on giving me more. They always insisted on giving me more.

I think it's the presumed level of comfort that is my issue. There was no reason for them to assume that I was comfortable with that level of information, beyond the fact that I didn't say otherwise. The reason being, of course, that I wouldn't be that insensitive.

My head is a disaster area, but...four more sleeps.

T,

About 10 days to our next session. I'm nervous already. Not looking forward to discussing my various forms of transference feelings towards you. Mostly because bloody hell, I'm going to have to be so vulnerable.

FM and KL,

Thank you both for saying yes to the ceremony and the after celebration. KL, I wasn't sure you would say yes to the after celebration because you are still the official therapy of record as my standby therapist. You'll get to meet a few more of the characters, FOO, that I used to think made my life hell. Well sometimes they did. I refuse to hide the fact upon introduction that you were my therapists, and I give you permission to tell any and everyone there if they ask how we know each other. I am not ashamed.

KL it was good to see you the other day and FM, I look forward to lunch tomorrow.

It's weird I'm feeling on top of the world, but the image in my dream was me being under the world or at least holding up the globe.

T,
So much for being better. I don't know what is real. I feel like when I talked with you about the one topic, that your answer suggests you don't believe me. I'm so sick of me feeling like people don't believe me. I'm tired of doubting myself. I'm devastated. Even though I am not Einstein, and that I would love to be intelligent, I like who I am and don't want to be like him. I have been writing in my journal about what this last session has brought up. I feel like I have nothing to give worth anything. I feel that I'm of no help to anyone. But I am trying to overcome this. I wish I could send you an email of the things I have written instead of waiting until you get back.

Remember when you would call me every night to talk to me while I took my meds

Or when you gave me 10$ because I couldn't afford food

Or when you bought me all those gifts

Or when you fed me apples dipped in peanut butter. Like handed them to me one by one

I could go on t

Have you forgotten all of this???