Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Hi t. I haven't had much time recently just to think between all the overtime at work and studying. This afternoon when I got home from work I swam for an hour or so, and thought about you and this t relationship and my mom and letting go of the anger at her and the freedom that gave me.... and I think maybe....

You're just acting... acting a sorta semi parental role, you said.

I suppose it's a good thing you're not particularly warm, never playful, rarely praise.

I was unworthy as an infant, as a child, as a teen and now a young adult. It's just as well that you aren't nurturing, and don't express that you care these days compared to the early days.

My heart can break slowly ratter than shatter.

I want to ask you for an extra session, but I can't.

C,

I'm wondering how you'd feel if I asked if I could bring a little stuffed animal with me to sessions so that I could make it a sort of transitional object... maybe even sometimes leave it with you? This is something I used to do with S (ExT). I'm maybe not quite there with you yet, though. I'm not sure.

Plz email me something????? I need to hear from u...
You most likely won't though and I have to be ok with that

lol I have the power now, if only for 36 hours. I'm going to enjoy this.

TD,
I wanted to tell you b4 I left today, that I wanted you to stay safe whilst you are away (again) & wanted to say, I love you so very much. The words were there, but they just wouldn't come out.

Dear Dr. S, I am working my way up to a panic state. I am scared. Nothing I am doing is bringing me down and I can't seem to redirect my thoughts. Rational thoughts are not helping. 4 hours, 4 hours... I just need to hold on for 4 hours and then I can see that you are there and you are not different. I want to come home. Please can I come home. -me

Hi T,

I'm doing okay... ish.

I know that you're concerned about me after Friday's session and wanted me to see you sooner than this Friday, but I'm busy as hell between work and babysitting my grandma (who you know has advanced dementia). There's just not enough time.

I knew my mood was possibly wonky at the start of our session, but i couldn't tell for sure because I'm terrible at assessing my mood. Everything I say and do always make sense to me, but not always to others. Only others (like yourself) can see what's wrong, but I can't. I lack that ability. So I guess it's good you pointed out likely mania. Not sure what to do, though. I don't want to bother my pdoc even though you suggested it. Besides, I purposely stopped my antipsychotic and I don't want to admit to it even though you said I should.

I'm bad! But I'm not abusing my Ritalin. I actually tried to abuse it, but then it made things worse, so now I'm not abusing it.

T--not sure how i feel about today's session.

You said you wanted to protect and take care of me.

What I'm not saying back is that I wish you could protect and take care of me... But I am far too afraid to even think of allowing myself to wish that you could do that.

Dear Potential New T,
Both nervous and kinda excited to meet you tomorrow. I just need to remember, as MC said, that it's not so much you interviewing me and deciding whether to accept me as a client...but me interviewing you and deciding whether to accept you as a T (whether for short- or longer-term). I hope you're someone I'll want to work with. I really want help with the MC stuff...and, hey, maybe you can help me with some other issues along the way, too. Stuff that T couldn't, for whatever reason. And if I do decide to work with you, I'll try really hard not to get attached to you...at least, not to the extent that I am to MC. Because a little attachment is OK, just not so much the level where I'm crying off and on for a half hour because you cancel an appointment where I didn't even have a particular thing that I wanted to talk about...

So, like, be kind and caring, but not TOO kind and caring...
--LT

Dear T,

Thank you so much for trying to understand me. I know you do, only one that has really tried. There's always more, this one I'm afraid you won't.

Dear Dr S,
Thank you for not being different. So much more.
-me

Dear Info,

I feel like you're trying really hard, but that somewhere deep inside there's some kind of ice cave. And that if anyone is going to help they need to be able to get in there. Only No. 3 has done it.

I hope you keep trying. Maybe get yourself some crampons too.

ATAT

R,

Everything in theory should be fine for me now, but I still feel like I'm crumbling. I have two weeks to sort my head out. I'm going to ask if I can have extra sessions for the next two weeks. Please say yes. I really don't feel okay at all.

I feel very bad right now. Please help. Please help

I need to connect to you, new t. I am searching for something - I don't know what - to help and I can't find anything.
I don't want this to be it for the rest of my life. I need to find a way to connect to my selves. I need to find a way to connect to all that pain inside and own it and take hold of it and then use it to say
STOP!!! NO MORE!!!

People would grieve...bla bla bla... I DON'T CARE, I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.
But... I can't leave you. And I HATE it. I love you. I have to do it. But I can't.
Seeing you hurts. Thinking of you hurts. Everything hurts.

Hugs. I know it's hard. I know this feeling of not being able to stand it anymore. Of wanting to be selfish just a single time.

I'm here if you want to talk, or vent, or scream, cry, whatever.

I'd miss you too

Do you want to talk?

I'm done. I have to tell my boss that I can't work anymore

What about work is affecting you? Would it be possible to take a few days off until you're feeling better?

I can't work. I can't pretend like I care. I can't do anything.
And no, I won't feel better

Thank you for your email. You gave me exactly what I needed to keep going. Thank you

Me