Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

captgut · Sep 04, 2017, 07:11 AM

Why did you say "...this is your style"?? NOT AT ALL
I won't ask you because it's stupid. But I'm upset

LonesomeTonight · Sep 04, 2017, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

It is a holiday weekend, though. I also may be slightly bitter bc I e-mailed my T thurs night, and am desparate, but never heard back, and i won't see her until next Monday. I keep telling myself she probably went away.

I hope you hear back from your T soon, Velcro. And hope you're doing OK...

MC did end up texting back last night to confirm he's alive. But I'd also sent him a long e-mail Friday afternoon that I hadn't heard back from. He referenced something from the e-mail in the text, saying we could talk about it in session Wed., so that means he read it, but he may have only read it last night, too.

Sep 04, 2017, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Hi T,

Did you see that clip in TV? I wanna talk with you about ex-bf. Somehow. Can we stop talking about child-me for a while and handle the more adult problems? I don't want to but I guess it's important too.

It is (stuff with your ex bf) *hugs*

Sep 04, 2017, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by captgut

Why did you say "...this is your style"?? NOT AT ALL
I won't ask you because it's stupid. But I'm upset

Try to tell him he upset you

lucozader · Sep 04, 2017, 01:20 PM

you don't deserve it, you don't deserve it, you don't deserve it

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

atisketatasket · Sep 04, 2017, 03:41 PM

Dear Info,

You didn't know me then, but about seven months ago was my last really bad patch.

Possible trigger:

I made a list of things I needed/wanted to do pre-suicide: see the divorce through, see the complaint against Smaug through, arrange for my estate to pass into trusts for my nieces, and not kill myself mid-academic year so as not to burden students or colleagues. I didn't have a hard timeline because I couldn't predict how long the first especially would take.

It had the desired effect at the time, namely forcing myself to stay alive a bit longer to give things a chance to get better. And they did for a while, but now they're not. Fortunately, while the third item on the list is mostly taken care of (it really just needs the divorce to be finalized so there can't be a court challenge), and the second will be over in just a few weeks, the first shows no sign of ending anytime soon. Plus the academic year is young. And, I have no idea how I actually want to do it.

But, I find myself thinking the same thing again. I never told a therapist that earlier plan (I'd just left DBC), and I don't want to tell you. It's too risky post-Smaug. I'm not in immediate danger of doing anything, so I'm hoping things will get better again for a while like they did last time. I hope you are helpful with that.

ATAT

velcro003 · Sep 04, 2017, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Dear Info,

You didn't know me then, but about seven months ago was my last really bad patch.

Possible trigger:

I made a list of things I needed/wanted to do pre-suicide: see the divorce through, see the complaint against Smaug through, arrange for my estate to pass into trusts for my nieces, and not kill myself mid-academic year so as not to burden students or colleagues. I didn't have a hard timeline because I couldn't predict how long the first especially would take.

It had the desired effect at the time, namely forcing myself to stay alive a bit longer to give things a chance to get better. And they did for a while, but now they're not. Fortunately, while the third item on the list is mostly taken care of (it really just needs the divorce to be finalized so there can't be a court challenge), and the second will be over in just a few weeks, the first shows no sign of ending anytime soon. Plus the academic year is young. And, I have no idea how I actually want to do it.

But, I find myself thinking the same thing again. I never told a therapist that earlier plan (I'd just left DBC), and I don't want to tell you. It's too risky post-Smaug. I'm not in immediate danger of doing anything, so I'm hoping things will get better again for a while like they did last time. I hope you are helpful with that.

ATAT

i hope you can figure out a way to see if she is safe to tell these things to. I tell my T all my thoughts, and even though she is more worried now, she isn't forcing me into a hospital stay or getting rid of me (yet).

SoConfused623 · Sep 04, 2017, 04:11 PM

Dear New T,

I like you a whole lot and I think about you all of the time. I'm starting to think about you way too much! I don't want to be thinking of you 24-7! How can I stop this before it becomes a big problem?

I feel like I'd die of embarrassment if I tried to talk to you about these feelings, so I'll just keep them to myself or post about them here.

~Isola~ · Sep 04, 2017, 06:08 PM

I keep refreshing my email, and there's nothing from you. Every day, for the rest of my life, there will be nothing from you.

I know you're not my therapist anymore. You're nothing to me. And yet you're everything to me.

I know better, but that's how it feels. I don't know how to be.

junkDNA · Sep 04, 2017, 06:36 PM

Only once the drugs are done..
Do I feel like dying
I feel like dying

Sep 04, 2017, 06:56 PM

I don't understand myself. Why is it that I complain about my inability to attach to people, yet I abhor that I'm attached to you?

Perhaps it's because I know deep down that you can't nor won't ever reciprocate my feelings. I may mean something to you, but not in the same way that you do to me. It hurts so badly.

Oh my God i think I just figured out the transference

Elio · Sep 04, 2017, 07:02 PM

Dear Dr. S,

I stayed way busy today and didn't end up wallowing in our delayed session. I'm now down to 14.5 hours. I'm debating emailing you about tomorrow. I need something.. want something and not sure you're ready or able to give it. I think without it, things won't go well. Is it too late to email you?
me

velcro003 · Sep 04, 2017, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Only once the drugs are done..
Do I feel like dying
I feel like dying

I know, and that is the REALLY hard bit.

velcro003 · Sep 04, 2017, 07:47 PM

i will not email you. i will not email you. i will not email you.

i am certain that email i sent you last week was way over the top.

should i cancel next week?

i sort of want to, but i also don't...because i am a hot mess.

what do i do?

LonesomeTonight · Sep 04, 2017, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

i will not email you. i will not email you. i will not email you.

i am certain that email i sent you last week was way over the top.

should i cancel next week?

i sort of want to, but i also don't...because i am a hot mess.

what do i do?

I say don't cancel! You're struggling right now, and though you may be disappointed in your T's lack of response to your other e-mail, a session would probably still help you. And you can express that disappointment then.

velcro003 · Sep 04, 2017, 08:47 PM

its fine,i failed anyway and emailed her.

i bet she is going to tell me i'm too much.

velcro003 · Sep 04, 2017, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I say don't cancel! You're struggling right now, and though you may be disappointed in your T's lack of response to your other e-mail, a session would probably still help you. And you can express that disappointment then.

haha, i never would

growlycat · Sep 04, 2017, 11:48 PM

Reading a fictionalization of Lizzie Borden's family dynamics leading up to the axe murders was not a good choice for bedtime reading. Ick.

goatee · Sep 05, 2017, 12:39 AM

Great, now I've really screwed things up. I'm heartbroken.

Sep 05, 2017, 02:44 AM

So... one time I sparked anger in my parents because I greeted them with "Hi" and not "Hi dad and mum". My dad yelled his trump card "my house, my rules". Are you so sure being assertive is wise?

LGBT counsellor brought up a good point last time... that safety trumps coming out. Closet as a place of safety. Especially if even being mildly assertive when dad's being a bigot sparks an argument ending with the threat to throw me out. But I don't want the closet to become my coffin.

T... how to stand up to my parents when I can't even sound grumpy after a bad day at work?

captgut · Sep 05, 2017, 09:42 AM

Hey I'm taking my meds - again (4 days in a row)
But I'm going to quit it - again.

darkestpart · Sep 05, 2017, 11:56 AM

t,

i want to see you, but i don't want to see you. you have to be tired of my drama after almost 3 years. please don't give up on me. i'm trying. i really am.

me

velcro003 · Sep 05, 2017, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

So... one time I sparked anger in my parents because I greeted them with "Hi" and not "Hi dad and mum". My dad yelled his trump card "my house, my rules". Are you so sure being assertive is wise?

LGBT counsellor brought up a good point last time... that safety trumps coming out. Closet as a place of safety. Especially if even being mildly assertive when dad's being a bigot sparks an argument ending with the threat to throw me out. But I don't want the closet to become my coffin.

T... how to stand up to my parents when I can't even sound grumpy after a bad day at work?

I agree w your LGBT T on this one. I know you live in an Asian country, where it is expected you live with your family later in life-but could you start making a plan, even just in your head, of how you can eventually be on your own?

awkwardlyyours · Sep 05, 2017, 03:02 PM

Dear Current T --

Among other things,

Possible trigger:

I received a rather earnest offer today to be part of a threesome with a straight couple. My refusal was considered strange, only insofar that it seems people couldn't fathom why I was continuing to be "lonely" rather than at least getting some action with the female half of a straight couple.

I thought the sentiment expressed was rather sweet (although not enough to make me change my mind) if misplaced. I'm not sure I'll tell you, amusing anecdote though it is -- there's absolutely no doubt that you will be rather horrified (while possibly looking askance at me) and wonder anew as to why I hang out with the people I hang out with, in this place.

- AY

Argonautomobile · Sep 05, 2017, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

Dear Current T --

Among other things,

Possible trigger:

I received a rather earnest offer today to be part of a threesome with a straight couple. My refusal was considered strange, only insofar that it seems people couldn't fathom why I was continuing to be "lonely" rather than at least getting some action with the female half of a straight couple.

I thought the sentiment expressed was rather sweet (although not enough to make me change my mind) if misplaced. I'm not sure I'll tell you, amusing anecdote though it is -- there's absolutely no doubt that you will be rather horrified (while possibly looking askance at me) and wonder anew as to why I hang out with the people I hang out with, in this place.

- AY

That's rather flattering.

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Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

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