Telling your t something and then they use it against you

I am wondering if this has happened to any of you? I told my t(WHT) about something that has happened with other ts, that they hadn't shown up for appointments after me driving three hours just to see them. Well twice she hasn't showed up for our appointment. She actually rang two hours before appointment to confirm and then she doesn't show up. I definitely think she did that on purpose, it's a pretty big coincidence otherwise.

I'm sorry. This is very strange. I hope she will contact you soon to apologise and explain what has happened.

Have you spoken to your t since to know something bad didn't happen to her? If you are certain she is ok and this was done intentionally, I'd get away from this one fast if you can. Think what else she is capable of using against you. Something like this would be unprofessional, malicious, deceitful, and inexcusable in my book. Sorry you keep having such troubles with t's, Monalisa! What was her excuse the first time it happened?

This is the kind of thing I have tried to call my T on a few times, but he won't admit it is a ploy.

I can't imagine what possible therapeutic value that could have, if it is intentional. Not showing up for a scheduled appointment just sounds straight up unprofessional to me.

My first therapist used to use the private things I told her against me many times.

I told T about a specific, hurtful, loaded phrase a former T often used on me: "being a victim" (he was saying maltreatment were my fault because I was being a victim and letting people hurt me).

Then about 25 sessions later, she used the exact same phrase as a question "Do you want to remain a victim?", and said it a second time when I tried to dodge it. That was definitely a rupture.

I worked it out with her the next session by being assertive, but my anger flared up again a year ago, because I forgot how we mended the rupture and just remembered the rupture. We spent the next session talking about my hurt, my anger over her using that same loaded phrase that former T did. My T handled it well and explained she did not have the same shameful connotations attached to that phrase which former T had when he used that phrase to shame me. She acknowledged my hurt and agreed that she could have avoided that (since I had told her several times about former T using that phrase) and used clearer, better words to convey her meaning better. She also shared that she felt wronged by me because I was so angry with her and had concluded she was out to shame me and berate me like former T.

There might be value in confronting your WHT, MLS. See how she reacts as a test of if she can be non defensive, if she can empathise with your anger and hurt.

Ugh, I typed wrong. I meant to say the "second rupture" over it was fairly recent though the actual incident took place a year ago.

Mona-
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. That can be so frustrating and painful. I hope you have contacted her and asked what went on. Keep us posted.

I guess I don't see a direct link or why you think it must not be a coincidence? Unless it happened right after you told her? And isn't she sort of weird and nonconformist anyway with maybe some kind of health issue, i.e., not the most in the moment appointment-remembering type of person anyway?

Life happens and we all miss appointments, but what would aggravate me is that it happened twice, and if she didn't apologize afterwards. I assume she explained her absence?

Ditto and will forever be reeling over it.....I thought that was against the law of ethics??

What did she say about the first time she didn't show up for an appointment? That is a pretty big faux pas on the part of a therapist and demands an explanation really. It simply isn't acceptable for a therapist to not be present at an appointment and give no reasonable explanation. In this instance "I forgot" is not an acceptable response. A therapy appointment is a therapy appointment and therapists are accountable to their appropriate ethics and governing bodies.
So what was said about the first time this happened?

Thank you all for your replies, it's actually the third time this has happened in a year. She is always very apologetic and I genuinely don't know if she does it on purpose but given what I had told her about my previous experience with a t you would think she would be more careful. I am my t sure if she genuinely is in her own little world.
Before I left I rand and left a message this time and the last time. She thang back 30 mins later and she said she didn't have any excuses she was really sorry and embarrassed, she just said 'oh, my head' and sighed. When I went back to her after she rang about ten times and left messages, I was ready not to go back but she kept ringing and she sounded very disappointed with herself. I didn't want to leave her in that distress so I turned my car around and went back.
She was really good with me and I actually went into shock in that session. She put a blanket on me and made me tea, she told me to come back to her in an hour to go away and get some fresh air. I went back and we talked about what had happened for me when she wasn't there, the rejection, the feeling foolish etc...she was so sorry and didn't charge me for those two sessions. I could forgive that but the other times I am starting to wonder about her drinking a lot and forgetting appointments, I mean how else could you forget. Her office is at the back of her house. She rang two hours before that to confirm. I just wonder was it deliberate.

Imo, unless there is some sort of emergency there is no edxcuse whatsoever for a t to not show up without warning.

My previous t had been having some medical issues and was having to cancel a lot of appts of reschedule them. I was getting frustrated and already didn't really like her that much. Her style didn't mesh with me, like talking about herself and her accomplishments and the book she was writing when I got quiet instead of asking questions. One week, u get there, I'm sitting in the waiting room of the clinic, after about 20 minutes past my appt I just left. Even with it being a clinic, the time of my appt the lady at the desk was at lunch and there was no one to ask. Fo but out later that she had to cancel all appts that day for medical stuff and they had supposedly called her appts to tell them. I didn't get a call, or an apology for that matter. She had enough warning that they "called" her clients, but I fell thru the cracks and that is still unacceptable to me. I still go to that clinic, but not see the therapy supervisor, since my previous t decided to "retire" and only give me 1 weeks notice. She offered one session to close out before i started with my current one. I just said no thanks, I'm good, and moved on.

We go to therapy for various reasons, but a lot of people have issues with abandonment, feeling ignored or forgotten, insignificant, etc. Whether intentional or not, the t adding to those issues without a good reason is unacceptable.

Forgetting once, maybe, twice is beyond me. I wonder how many other clients she has done that to? If it's happened 3 times for you, I don't even want to know how many times it happens with anybody...

I'm really sorry to say it, but it does sound like there is something really wrong with this at. I mean, if you are a T in counselling psychology/psychotherapy, then your work and your career consists of arranging appointments and seeing clients. How can you forget?? It seems be like a teacher forgetting they are supposed to be in school, or a car mechanic forgetting that there are cars waiting to be fixed?

I know that she is really nice to you, and better than previous abusive T of course (which is not hard I think as that bar was set pretty low!!) I wonder whether as well as this T, you would consider seeing another T? I'm just saying it because unfortunately this T doesn't seem all that reliable either.

Yeah.... nah.
That's just not right. I doubt very much it is a "therapeutic technique" or a case of deliberately "using it against you." That would just be sadistic and wrong on so many levels. It doesn't sound like she has it in her to be deliberately sadistic??
But repeated episodes of not turning up as a therapist is nothing less than gross incompetence. That is a fire-able offence in any profession and especially when it potentially has a very negative effect on the emotional well-being and mental health of another human being.
Just no. No. That is absolutely not okay or acceptable at all. I would say "You deserve much better than that" but just in case you in particular feel you are unworthy of decent treatment by other I will say ALL therapy clients- every single person who enters into therapy with a professional - deserve much better than that.
It does sound like this woman is not fit to practice.

At this point, do you genuinely think it is something she is trying to express a signal? I would gently try to test her what is this saying to her. Is she scared of what two or three hour drive are? Is she questioning your dependence?

Talk about the importance of saving gasoline your expenditures. Is she thinking about dissociation and what your to symbolically share or want you to share? Has there been example of what you discussed this is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Is there a toxic person they want you to never to get involved with? If they don't answer or seem just forget it then it is really is time to move on...

I honestly worry that something is wrong with her, medically. I know you are concerned about drinking, but what ever gave you a sign that she actually is drinking? I am more inclined to think about a medical problem, because this doesn't seem normal. I also don't think she is doing it on purpose.

I think if she did this deliberately, she wouldn't have been so panicky or made such great efforts to take proper measures to ensure you were ok in the aftermath. These actions are more in line with what someone does to try and repair their honest mistakes, imo.

Regardless of whether it was intentional or not, none of the above (what you wrote) should have happened. For whatever reason -- substance abuse, mental or medical health issues, age related memory problems, etc. -- your t is impaired enough to the point of where it is causing you mental harm. Maybe discussing your concerns with her would be beneficial to you as well as her. Sounds like she very much needs help.

I agree with AllHeart. There must be something serious behind this but it is no excuse to keep doing it even if she apologizes boldly. Did you ask her why she was not there? I think you deserve an explanation at least and I would tell her this.

My first therapist did the opposite, forgot my appointment cancellations, three times. He would call me on the phone during the appointment time asking where I was and not even apologizing but telling me that I should remind him the day before. WTF? I did not make a fuss about it back then but regretted later as he had a tendency to be sloppy and then defensive in several ways and even offended when I said it was unprofessional. You T does not sound ignorant and defensive like that but still... it is unreliable.

My t is not defensive, she was genuinely sorry and owned her mistakes every time and even at the end of these sessions she thanked me for my generosity for coming back. This is what confuses me because she appears like she doesn't mean it but how could you forget three times and the first time she said it had never happened to her before, ever!
As bad as ex t was, she never missed an appointment or was late or didn't show up, she was reliable and consistent.

Did she explain you why she missed those appointments?

yeah, but ex-t was abusive. try not to forget that.

i agree with the others, its all well and fine that she apologized, but something is going on, and i think you just need to be up front and ask.

No she just said that it was her fault completely and she just said 'oh my head'. She never gave me a reason and really her office is at the back of her house there is no excuse. She rang to confirm our appointment two hours earlier. She said two of the times that she didn't normally work at that time but that's not true because our appointments have often been at that time.


I do forget that sometimes, thank you for the reminder. They both have their pros and cons.
I really don't think I have the right to ask her I mean I have only seen her for about 9 months every other week. Our relationship is not that strong to be able to ask yet.

I'm sorry to have to say I agree with Velcro and whoever else said it's a medical problem. Especially if your T said "oh, my head". It sounds like a memory problem or some kind of dementia. I feel sad for you and your T, as she doesn't seem to want to be honest with you. Or maybe she doesn't want to accept that she has a problem and can't cope with it. Does she see other clients? I would think this has happened with be others also.

I disagree with you that it's too soon to ask her for a better explanation. For your sake and for hers. She seems like an excellent T except for this strange behavior. There are many T's who have their life put together and don't have these problems you have come up against with yours. I wish you could find one of them for yourself. Hugs.
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