The Couch 150: Ceci n'est pas un couch

ahahaha I'd almost asked if you were me.

Yes, even when I have done what I said I did and it is an undeniable fact, I feel totally at fault and an untrustworthy liar--not evil, though--my word is creepy. Once, someone told me they googled me ahead of meeting at a conference and mentioned someone with a similar name, but different race and gender, who came up as a sex offender and I spent the next 10 days with this person feeling like I was a predator, all the time trying to act very much not like one, which made me come across as super weird and probably had them wondering if I was related to the one online, so guilty by association. I was in bad shape and even today, years later, think about this. I even tried to change the page rankings of legitimate google sources so that this guy was not on the first page.

Nothing is less appealing than Belgian waffles to me, unless it's American-style French toast. Ugh, why ruin perfection with powdered sugar?

Hahaha.... t's wife just called him a nerd on fb. sometimes it's a little fun to be friends with t's wife.

****TRIGGER WARNING FOR TALK OF CUTTING**********



Ok- This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.. wondering if anybody had any opinions on the matter. I emailed T earlier in the week, because the emotions I was feeling were really causing me to think about cutting. Something that I have done on and off for like 14 years. When things seem like too much, or I don't know what to do, I cut. And that is always a frowned upon method of coping. I mean you look at therapies like DBT and the first phase of that therapy is specifically designed to curb Suicidal and Self harming behavior. But really, why is it so harmful? So what if I cut myself? I make myself bleed.. I am willing to bet cutting does less damage in lets say a year of somebodies life than, other unhealthy coping methods like, sex, drugs, or alcohol use. Somebody really has to been trying really hard to hurt themselves to cause serious injury or death while cutting. IDK maybe I just trying to find a way to justify the fact that I really want to cut right now.. but, I just don't get why everybody gets all upset about cutting.

In response to healed:

Dear Couch,

Ok, do I email t or not.

The last few weeks have been really rough for me. Last weekend, my wife was out of town and I ended up emailing T like 8 times each one getting less coherent as I went through a series of melt downs; until we talked on the phone on Sunday. Then on Monday night (after session) another major melt down. On Thursday, session was different and there was discussions of me stopping therapy (the decision was to not stop). This weekend wife is out of town again. I'm doing ok, sad, but ok. I will see her on Monday. I know she cares about me. I also know she's on call for her other job this weekend. I don't want her to worry. I also don't want to email her if she's not worrying - I don't want to bug her, I'm doing ok/managing.

Will she just assume I am doing ok because I haven't contacted, so not worry? Gawd, I hate this relationship. ugh, around and around I go trying to figure out what is the right thing to do AND what does it mean if I do one thing over the other.

And yes, I have the green light to email as often and about anything, she "trusts me to know". wtf does that mean in this relationship.

Signed - Trying to do the right thing.

I think you should email her if you feel you need to, but not if it's about her needs. She cares about you but she can look after herself. She also might well be taking your lack of emailing as a sign that you are doing okay.

P.S. Sorry for being a crap e-friend recently, Elio.

If you have the green light to email, just email? And, tell her it's not a major situation like last week and this is more for connection and so on?

I wouldn't really worry about whether or not she's worrying -- that could depend on a whole bunch of other things (like all the other items on her list of worries!) that you have little or no control to over.

If you want to reach out and have an understanding with her that it's okay to do so and aren't really looking for her to call etc (although of course, it would help if she does), then just write it?

(Admittedly, I tend to oversimplify these sorts of things.)

In response to healed:

I say if you have the green light to email, Elio, go for it.

Healed, I...I'm not in the place right now to comment on your musings.

H got me to start playing a video game to try and take my mind off of things. But the story has a lot of time skips and alternates between fantasy and reality. I don't think it helped. My thinking is already so erratic today.

Healed, I have been struggling with the same question, although from a different perspective. There's a big piece of me that sees it as bad and shameful (and even non-permanent, less damaging forms of self harm). My T has been challenging me to figure out why I think it's bad.

I don't have any answers for you, but I am pondering similar questions with you.

It's 2am and I'm sad.

I tried to be like a real person and went out and socialised today. I had a few beers. It was nice. But... Then I came home and felt s**t about it, like I'm wrong and weird and everything I said was stupid and everyone hates me. That's always how I feel afterwards.

Also, someone from my past was there. An ex from a decade ago that I never... Never got over. I feel like he never let me go. I think some of my feelings about T are actually about him. They're vaguely similar, in a very superficial way. I see him extremely rarely, the last time was two years ago. Though I dream about him a lot. I always feel crushed by all the things I can't say to him.



...and T, well... I think it might all be over. Unless he can really sort his s**t out and show it on Monday. Then it's over.

I'm sad.

I need to go to sleep.

I'm so sorry that you're sad, luco.

Let's both find new Ts. Ones that don't suck.

Luco - I bet that was hard to see someone that clearly you still care about and to know that he's had a tough road since you were with him.

Regarding T, he's not perfect... remember he can be a real butthead at times. Just like you cautioned me, let me say, make sure you are leaving for the right reasons (as well as staying for the right reasons).

Thanks, you two.

I'm gonna try to sleep now.

Sending healing thoughts and hugs to those who want. So much sadness coming through here today.

Info loaned me a book called Eating by the Light of the Moon. Anyone read it?

She loaned it to me not for any ED, but because she thought I'd enjoy the use of myth in therapy. A tactic also tried by 1 and 3 at various points.

Dear Couch, thanks for your advice, I emailed T. - signed wanting to do the right thing

PS, wonder how long until she replies

Don't get me wrong -- I Info (actually all your therapists) but I wouldn't be able to resist asking, 'Eating...........what?'

For Healed:

Oh, it's actually Eating IN the Light of the Moon. Which still leaves your question.

Wolfsbane? Blood? The witches' potion from Macbeth?

PBJ Oreos? Belgian waffles? Grilldren?

Oh, speaking of Info, latex gloves update.

She rearranged her office a little and removed some furniture, including the table whose drawers the latex gloves were in.

Now we'll never know if she was finger painting guys or what.

Belgian Waffles and grilldren sausage...? Wait, did I take that too far?

Yay! I was just waiting for someone else to go down the non-PG-13 route (no puns intended, really).