The Couch 150: Ceci n'est pas un couch

Likely trying to "wake up" ATAT, open her eyes about her considering DBT....

Exactly. And I would guess they mixed up the shipping labels - though one might think the packages would be of different shapes.

Precisely. Jeff Bezos knows all.

That's what I do also.

Can I come crash on your couch? It seems so comfy and I need comforting.

Im starting to believe espresso is the answer to everything. Italians are the original "what, me worry?"

Eta - i outsmarted the bus today! Often when its late, i see it stopping across the street (in the shade) from where i am waiting (in the wind and the sun). So today, i waited across the street, and hopped on it on its way to the center of town, and stayed in my air conditioned seat as we picked up the tired, the hungry etc waiting for our late arrival at my usual departure location. By the time we got to my dropoff point, i was cool, relaxed and stretching my back. Finally using my bean! This is going to improve the quality of my life so much.

Why is leaving an abusive relationship so hard? Okay, I didn't leave exactly, but he's in jail now, so he's gone. We're not allowed any contact. It's almost like he's dead. I wanted out because I couldn't take his verbal abuse any longer. So why do I miss him now? I hate myself for feeling this way. I'm really glad I have therapy today.

Hugs... I really hope things get better for you soon

I guess the point is that we still love them, no matter what they did...

I said I didn't love him. I even told him that. He kept telling me I was wrong, that I did love him. I wouldn't get so angry if I didn't love him. I wouldn't have a panic attack after the fire he started if I didn't love him. Was he right? Was I just lying to myself about my own feelings? I'm so confused.

Welcome to the couch!

Hi couchies. Hugs and dignified nods around.

I'll be at t's in 5 hours from now and I'm so nervous about what will happen. I'm going to start with the "if I'm brave enough" page of notes because I have nothing to lose at this point. I want her to say she'll keep working with me at least til November but I just don't know. I have absolutely no sense of how today will go. I can't feel her at all. Sigh.

I think we can love and hate people at the same time... You know, it's really easy to hurt someone if they love you... But by hurting them you can make them hate you... That's my opinion on it. Of course, you have to know for yourself what's true

Best of luck Art! Really hope it goes well!

Why dont you know her? Of course you know her! Hey, i talked to my brother yesterday, if i can do that, you can do this! Just LISTEN to what she says, not to what you think you hear, or whatever it is you do instead of listening (i have no idea really!)

I pulled the old t trick on my brother yesterday of being quiet and letting HIM fill up the empty spaces - it worked! But i was kind to him. But i also kept in mind, social cues. I only ask a question once. Right? Idk.

Or, as my soon to be former DBT therapist (nickname: Flower Pants, I know you can guess why) had on her office whiteboard, "what you feel may not be true."

I spent 3-4 hours in that office staring at that line and just itching to start a debate over the meaning of truth, existence, and invalidation.

Art - my advice is to communicate with her as much as you do us. My impression is you tell her a little of what's bothering you, but not as much as you do us, and then you guys shift to doing a sand tray, which has its uses but not as a substitute for communication.

@@ I got into it with Duchess over that whole topic! Her line was "your feelings are real but they may not be reality" ummmm....? Just bothers me that what is 'standard' for one/many seems that if you don't fit that 'standard' mold then you're not normal. Who determined the standard or baseline anyway? What if my way off the map emotions are normal and everyone else is dull? Simple not great example but you get it, I think/hope.

Sounds like the title of a book which would be subtitled "a beginner's guide to gaslighting"

Art - I have to agree w/ @@. Sandtrays have their place and time, but it also depends on how she interprets them, not an accurate form of communication. I say you walk in and say - don't talk until I'm done, say EVERYTHING on your mind and feels and thoughts, etc and then allow her to speak.

My feelings are real as f***, all of them, always, and no-one's gonna tell me different.

Ugh!

I think so - like, there is this idea of emotional norm however often therapists claim that to think in terms of "normal" is unhealthy. And in effect you're punishing people for nonconformity when that nonconformity is what makes them uniquely themselves. If their nonconformity is making them wretched and they want to change it, great, send them to DBT, but if their real need is just to be seen and heard and feel like at heart they are okay, then you're just trying to fix what might not be broken and possibly making things worse while you're at it.

Tell Duchess reality is a matter of perception (= feeling). Ergo, by her logic, nothing is true.

Yes, art - stopdog it, big time.

Yes!!! We discussed it almost exactly that same way. She really is great. It was a pretty awesome conversation, and led to thought provoking ideas/ideals on both sides of that proverbial table, if you will.

I almost added at the end of the one to Art that I think I'm learning something from SD.

Mine too! And I have too many of them and think too much.

One thing I appreciate about MC is that he'll say my feelings are valid and important simply because they're my feelings.

My problem even after all this time is I write so much more easily and completely than I talk.
Also, I get so emotional and cry and then say 'nevermind' and she's working on half information.
I'm just going to ask her to let me read til I'm done before she comments, I have done that before. I've had 3 weeks to write out my thoughts so I'm well prepared to do that.

Thanks you guys. You're all so wise.

P.s. I have not actually done a sand tray in a good while. I want to but haven't.

Yes. This is my plan for today. To say pls don't comment til I say I'm done. Even when I start bawling cuz I know I will, I have every practice run I've read to the mirror...

WHY is this relationship stuff so hard?! I know, because it's re-enacting old dysfunctional ones. Ugh. I love her, I'm scared of disappointing her like I always disappointed my mother, yadda yadda yadda.

Thanks for the well wishes, everyone! It was a much better first day than I expected. It's too early really to make predictions, but I think this year will be smoother than last year.

Art, I think that your plan is a really good one. I know that sometimes questions or comments from a T can throw you off. I hope it goes well