[snowangel17]

I replied to a post in a previous thread about healthy attachment that got me thinking more and wishing to explore this a bit further/get advice from others on here.

My T has offered the option of some minimal out of session contact via a text if 'needed'. He hasn't pushed it but twice before long breaks he has said that if I need to message him that I can. He has said that he wouldn't get into a big conversation and would respond only with a text or two at most.

My issue is I that there have been times when I really really wanted to send him a text but have never been able to do so and it is beginning to annoy me. I mean part of the issue is that don't feel that I actually 'need' to do so and that he said that if I ever 'needed' to not if I ever 'wanted' to. I mean what really constitutes 'needing' to text him..I mean I do understand why others on here feel the need to but I just can't seem to apply that same understanding to myself.... I don't feel like I've ever really 'needed' or 'need' anyone (although I do have a long term partner who I rely heavily on so perhaps I could say I 'need' him but I also know that if we ever split up that although I would be absolutely devasted that I also would survive and life would continue'. I guess I just really struggle with the idea of being 'needy' and understanding what exactly needs are or more specifically what my needs are.
I have a strong attachment to my T and the longing and feelings for him are sometimes extremely intense but in saying that I really don't think that I 'need' him. I mean if he left tomorrow I would be devasted and heart broken and everything else in between but I again I would survive and life would go on... Does any of that make any sense at all?

I'm not sure if my desire to text him is perhaps more based on the feeling that it would help me to remain close to him and also help to continue to build my trust in him. I still struggle with the power imbalance which does at times cause me to hold back certain thoughts and perhaps this would help alleviate it.

Anyway, I think I am waffling on so I will stop now just throwing some thoughts down and appreciate any responses.

[toomanycats]

"Need" for me is defined as unable to function as necessary without doing so.
If the emotional pain is so crippling that I find myself literally thinking SI or SU are my only options, then I "need" the other option...contacting help.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

"Need" for me is defined as unable to function as necessary without doing so.
If the emotional pain is so crippling that I find myself literally thinking SI or SU are my only options, then I "need" the other option...contacting help.

Thanks for this... Your description makes total sense. For me, the thing is I am able to function without texting him and thus this then tells me I shouldn't text him. By function, I mean that I can continue my day to day life. I mean yes it bothers me, I often have a very intense longing, it can oftentimes feel like it takes over my thoughts and more often than not it can also feel extremely painful but still, I function... still I continue on.....On the face of it at least I think ...

[BudFox]

What comes through when I read this is... ambiguity. I know when I was in this sort of situation, I found myself asking over and over what the hell is this. Could never define it.

I'm here for you, but only in a limited way. I do care, but don't get the wrong idea. You can contact me if in crisis, but I'll only send a short reply. It's a real relationship, but not really.

Endless mixed messages. Never again.

[luvnola]

Perhaps tell him that you don't 'need' to text him, but would love to touch base on occasion because you want to. You can then tell him how it might help you (if you want to). I don't know what's wrong with having a want vs a need and getting that want fulfilled as long as the other person is okay with it too, and I don't know why your t wouldn't as long as it doesn't get out of hand, which I doubt it ever would just based on your post. My t doesn't do texting, but she allows email, but I've never emailed because I don't have the need or want to do so. If I wanted to, I would though as I think some wants are just as important as needs, and some people, myself included, never think they 'need' anyone for anything.

[feileacan]

I have struggled with that too but then I decided to trust myself. If I don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything then it means that I need. Sure, I would still keep functioning and I wouldn't die but it would be really difficult. If a 2-minute phone call in this situation helps me calm enough so I can concentrate on the things I need to then I definitely need to contact. I have sometimes called several days in a row and sometimes haven't felt the need to do that for months. My T has always trusted my own judgement about my need.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by luvnola

Perhaps tell him that you don't 'need' to text him, but would love to touch base on occasion because you want to. You can then tell him how it might help you (if you want to). I don't know what's wrong with having a want vs a need and getting that want fulfilled as long as the other person is okay with it too, and I don't know why your t wouldn't as long as it doesn't get out of hand, which I doubt it ever would just based on your post. My t doesn't do texting, but she allows email, but I've never emailed because I don't have the need or want to do so. If I wanted to, I would though as I think some wants are just as important as needs, and some people, myself included, never think they 'need' anyone for anything.

Thanks @Luvnola. Think I will do as you suggest and bring in up in next session and tell him that although I don't think I need to I would like to maybe on occasion.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by feileacan

I have struggled with that too but then I decided to trust myself. If I don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything then it means that I need. Sure, I would still keep functioning and I wouldn't die but it would be really difficult. If a 2-minute phone call in this situation helps me calm enough so I can concentrate on the things I need to then I definitely need to contact. I have sometimes called several days in a row and sometimes haven't felt the need to do that for months. My T has always trusted my own judgement about my need.

At times it does definitely impact my concentration for other things like when I should be concentrating at work or on other important tasks it can take over my thoughts so I suppose it would help me then.

Is the wish to text him between sessions related to feeling a bit insecure about the relationship between sessions? If this is so, perhaps there are various ways that he could help with this - like give you more reassurance in sessions, agree to a text a week, write something for you to look at between sessions?

[InnerPeace111]

We are all capable of surviving without contact between sessions. If not, then it's a matter of life and death and warrants a visit to the emergency room.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by InnerPeace111

We are all capable of surviving without contact between sessions. If not, then it's a matter of life and death and warrants a visit to the emergency room.

I was actually seriously retraumatized during my first round of therapy, partly, I believe, because I had no outside contact with my therapist. We were dredging up all sorts of childhood trauma, and I had no understanding of how to cope with it, and I was left on my own to spiral downward into some very dark places. I have never in my life been suicidal or self-harmed, but I suffered terribly during that time, and for years afterward.

My current therapist welcomes calls and has coached me through some difficult times. This has allowed me to have the experience of being helped to pull myself out of rumination and grief, and practicing this over and over has enabled me to figure out how I can do this for myself.

Outside contact has been extremely helpful for me. I don't think it needs to be a matter of life and death for it to be important for some people to have access to it.

Originally Posted by InnerPeace111

We are all capable of surviving without contact between sessions. If not, then it's a matter of life and death and warrants a visit to the emergency room.

Sometimes emotions get stirred up by a therapy session that are absolutely terrible and horrible, our younger selves buried them many years ago for a reason, because they are so terrible. The client can 'survive' till the next session, but doing so can make the therapy just a pointless and painful re-experiencing of an earlier trauma. I know this because I have experienced it. In this circumstance I think that contact with the T is best.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by InnerPeace111

We are all capable of surviving without contact between sessions. If not, then it's a matter of life and death and warrants a visit to the emergency room.

Oh I know we are all capable of surviving and it is generally not a matter of life and death and I hope my post didn't come across that I was suggesting otherwise. I guess I struggle with the whole idea of needs and being able to say I need something that on an intellectual level I'm aware that I don't actually 'need' it per say. I actually envy and admire others who are able to say when they need something and are comfortable with coming out and saying it especially to their T.

[ruh roh]

If it's a question of survival, then we are all capable of surviving without therapy too I suppose.

I don't happen to see it in such extreme terms as survival or ER, though. I would just ask the therapist what they mean by need.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

If it's a question of survival, then we are all capable of surviving without therapy too I suppose.

I don't happen to see it in such extreme terms as survival or ER, though. I would just ask the therapist what they mean by need.

Yes, I agree. We are all able to survive without it. Perhaps implying it was based on knowing I would survive without it was the wrong way to phrase it in the OP. Physically we will all, of course, survive without it. Maybe it's more that for many the feelings might be so intense that they 'feel' like they won't survive...of course they 'know' that they will but may 'feel' like they won't. As most of us know here feeling something and knowing don't always match up ...Not sure if I am making any sense here.

Good point about getting clarification of what he means by 'need' might do that.

[StickyTwig]

Like other posters have said, it may be you and your T are interpreting the word differently.

At my work I often say to people "Let me know if you need any help". By that I don't mean "Only ask if you cannot possibly solve it yourself" it means "If I can be of assistance to you, do let me know." (I'm not a therapist, so maybe its different in that case, but it at least shows the word can be interpreted in different ways)

[feileacan]

I had an occasion when I left a panicked message to my T's voice mail. I had been at a workshop and suddenly felt an urgent need to leave that place. He emailed me after few hours asking if I felt/thought I needed an extra session that week. I replied that I don't know if I need but I would certainly take it. He emailed back to offer an appointment. I guess to him it seemed that I needed.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by StickyTwig

Like other posters have said, it may be you and your T are interpreting the word differently.

At my work I often say to people "Let me know if you need any help". By that I don't mean "Only ask if you cannot possibly solve it yourself" it means "If I can be of assistance to you, do let me know." (I'm not a therapist, so maybe its different in that case, but it at least shows the word can be interpreted in different ways)

Yes, this is a very good analogy and totally helps me thanks.

[awkwardlyyours]

My current therapist has repeatedly offered to remain in contact when she's on vacation (like now). I've always declined and told her I'll survive -- the last time around she told me "Yes, I know you'll survive. But, there's survival and then there's connection".

For the record, she knows I've never had (and given how I cope, likely will never have) life and death sort of psychiatric crises.

When she's in town though, she's not in favor of out of session contact unless it's to schedule an extra session -- so, if I feel like I can't stand it, I can always text her or call her or email her to schedule an extra session (phone or in person) but if not, she's said that she doesn't do therapy by text or email.

Right now, things are a bit rough between us (I checked out other Ts and I'm tempted to continue seeing them) and so, I'm feeling way too bloody-minded to reach out to her (although I think it'll be a bit hard going to not do so until I see her post vacation) and let her see me this vulnerable and needy.

But, if things were better between us, I likely would've set up something with her that's at least along the lines of minimal contact.

So yeah, I agree with everyone who said ask your therapist if you're unsure of what need means.

I think if you feel like you need it, then it reflects your need. So-you truly DO need it.

Of course we can survive without it. We can also survive without food for say, 30 days. Sleep without 4 days. Water for 3 days, etc. That doesn't mean we don't need it. And what in the world could the ER do for this kind of need? Nothing. This isn't to say that every need one has should be fulfilled. We aren't entitled in that sense. But it's perfectly ok to have them and express them and ask for things.

Having needs was unacceptable to me based on how my mother reacted to them. It got ingrained into my superego that needs were bad; unacceptable. Met with scorn and rejection. And back then, it was a survival instinct, later experienced in therapy as the memories surface. That sort of thing stays with a person.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

My current therapist has repeatedly offered to remain in contact when she's on vacation (like now). I've always declined and told her I'll survive -- the last time around she told me "Yes, I know you'll survive. But, there's survival and then there's connection".

For the record, she knows I've never had (and given how I cope, likely will never have) life and death sort of psychiatric crises.

When she's in town though, she's not in favor of out of session contact unless it's to schedule an extra session -- so, if I feel like I can't stand it, I can always text her or call her or email her to schedule an extra session (phone or in person) but if not, she's said that she doesn't do therapy by text or email.

Right now, things are a bit rough between us (I checked out other Ts and I'm tempted to continue seeing them) and so, I'm feeling way too bloody-minded to reach out to her (although I think it'll be a bit hard going to not do so until I see her post vacation) and let her see me this vulnerable and needy.

But, if things were better between us, I likely would've set up something with her that's at least along the lines of minimal contact.

So yeah, I agree with everyone who said ask your therapist if you're unsure of what need means.

Thanks, @awkwardlyyours I love that your T said "Yes, I know you'll survive. But, there's survival and then there's connection". ...I think this is probably the main reason I want to text to keep the connection alive...Mine hasn't repeatedly said it maybe once or twice if I remember right.

I will definitely ask him for clarification of what he thinks 'need' means....

Sorry to hear things are a bit rough between you and your T right now.

I've also had problems discriminating between my needs and wants, in many ways. Sometimes my wants in the moment can get in the way of what I truly need. One way I try to tell them apart is to ask whether what I want momentarily would serve some kind of positive purpose, other than providing a form of instant pleasure/relief or distraction. It is still not easy to separate them in a subjective way. I had a lot of between-sessions communication with both of my therapists, but I think most of it served more a desire for instant gratification and distraction rather than support. But exactly how it was useful for me, because with time I could see a very clear pattern in how I tend to use contact as a defense to really deal with things.

Coincidentally, I accidentally clicked on this article and thought it was worth coming back here and sharing.

Another sign of needy behavior is not knowing what to do when you have a need. That is, everyone has needs. Some people, however, believe they don’t have the right to ask for their needs to be met, Nowland said. That might be because they were previously rejected or reprimanded for asking, she said. Sometimes, people aren’t even aware of their needs—or don’t know how to express them. “When a need arises in a relationship, they might start to feel anxious.”

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...n-to-be-needy/

[PippatheMastiff]

Interesting stuff. I guess in these times, with texting the fastest and easiest way to communicate, it's natural that one could ask for an appointment it feeling particularly vulnerable or in pain. It reminds me of "what About Bob"