[objectclient]

Following on from my previous thread (see link below*) I thought it more appropriate to start a new one: How to choose the right T. I thought it might not only help me but also others in search of similar answers.

So how did you choose your T?

How did things like their qualifications, experience, approach, personal qualities inform your decision?

Was there anything about yourself that affected your choice of therapist? (i.e. gender, personal history, beliefs, etc)

What have you learned through your experience? Would you make the same decision again?

I look forward to reading your replies!

* https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...ml#post5805134

[Argonautomobile]

There's lots of tips and online guides to choosing the right therapist. Unfortunately, I think you have to see one for a bit to know if they're any good, you know?

I did not choose my T, really. The physician referred me and I just kept going because he didn't appear to be a lunatic. It worked out fine - I'd make the same decision again.

[Anastasia~]

My current T was a referral and turned out to be a good fit.

He has over 35 years experience, has a PhD, which were both important. However, my previous T had a PhD but wasn't a good fit. He is accepting, and validating.

For some reason, I preferred a male (I am a female) as a T.

I learned to trust my gut instinct. I knew my last T wasn't a good fit and I know that this one is.

[nottrustin]

I was really struggling and I finally opened up to my primary nurse practitioner. PNP wanted to refer me to a therapist and psych nurse practitioner. I refused for quite some time. She knew I had huge trust issues so she worked with me. Eventually she convinced me to see a therapist. She made the referral because she knew I was emotionally fragile and was very selective on who she would allow amd trust to see me. She had worked with T years earlier. She knew t would be a safe person for me. We never discusses what I was looking for... She knew it had to be a woman.

He did his own intensive therapy, he is male and experienced. Psychoanalytically oriented. I feel unsafe in attachment relationships, particularly with females, and he is safer than most.

I'm very angry with him now and am very open about my feelings, so even though I complain, I don't think I would have seen anyone else, though in hindsight, I may not have stayed with him as long. I've gone to others and don't feel safe at all. I keep thinking the pros outweigh the cons. He's a bit authoritative but again, he gives me that space. That space is what magnifies your sense of self, providing the material for therapy. It is too hard sometimes because of my self hate. That's one thing I learned about myself. I'm avoidant (among other things), so I crave distance and closeness. Sometimes his distance is too much, but it's safer than closeness. He has helped me grow in a lot of ways, but also has been damaging at other times. Being hurt seems safer than being harmed if he DID allow himself to be emotionally connected, if that makes sense.

He is likable in general, and intelligent. I learned that maybe his distance prevents me from growing or keeps me stuck in childhood states of mind. His emotional unavailability is familiar to me, so perhaps that's one reason I stay. I did learn some other things about why I struggle so much with him and sometimes think I need to move on. In fact, I learned over the weekend how important it is to me to have someone believe in me. That's more the role of a mentor, but it seems to be a quality that helps people grow. For those of us with trauma hx, I think of it this way-if they plant the seed, we do the growing. I am seedless.

[guilloche]

I think finding the right therapist takes a big, huge, boat load full of good luck. Truly.

I've seen SO many Ts. And, each time, I thought they would be able to help. And, some of the endings... omg. It's been amazingly bad.

I've just started seeing a new one in the last couple of months. I like that she has experience with the things I need and is really easy to talk to. So far, no huge red flags. But, I have no clue if she'll be able to help...

I think the one thing I've learned is to pay attention to red flags early on. Because when I look at my last T, the things that worried me in the first couple of sessions never got better. I hoped that they were one-off occurrences or random anomolies for him... but they weren't. A couple years later, those things were still there bothering me.

That experience and realization have made me much, much more likely to decide quickly (in one session sometimes!) that a T isn't a good fit. In the past, I'd give them a lot more time/room to see if they might be helpful, but, I don't feel like I have the time, money, or patience for that anymore!

Good luck!

[Daisy Dead Petals]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I think the one thing I've learned is to pay attention to red flags early on. Because when I look at my last T, the things that worried me in the first couple of sessions never got better. I hoped that they were one-off occurrences or random anomolies for him... but they weren't.

I second this. I had a poor T who raised several red flags in our first few sessions. I have major trust issues, so I decided to give the situation more time in case I was being too sensitive. I ended up being retraumatized by someone who had neither the professional skills nor the personal substance to deal with my issues. I now know to steer clear of therapists who can't make it through the initial phase of therapy without major faux pas.

I also place great emphasis on how the therapist responds to feedback and/or criticism. A T who frequently gets pissy and defensive is ill-suited for the emotionally charged work of therapy.

[RaineD]

First, I narrowed down my choices based on the type of therapy I wanted. I knew I wanted a psychodynamically oriented therapist and not a behavioral therapist (CBT, DBT, whatever, as long as it had the word "behavioral" in it, I avoided it).

Then I called/emailed a bunch of therapists and made appointments with them. Ultimately, you can't know if someone is right for you until you see them in real life.

One thing I've learned is that I can tell during the first session if someone is *not* a good fit. If I don't like them during our first session, it's never going to go anywhere. I used to stick around for 2-4 sessions to see if things improve. That was a total waste of time. Things never improved.

HOWEVER, just because they seem great during the first session doesn't mean they are actually good. I've had experiences where a therapist seemed awesome at first but turned out to not be so great (lack of competence and narcissism).

Once you find a good therapist, have faith in them (and in yourself) and don't give up! There will be conflict. Sooner or later, you'll hit an impasse. There will be pain, anger, and confusion. But you can work through all of it with a good therapist.

This is why it's so important to be able to distinguish between true red flags (i.e., signs that someone is either incompetent or unethical) and challenges that arise in the normal course of therapy. Google the "Scarsdale Psychotherapy Self-Evaluation." You may find it helpful. (I still can't post links, or I'd link to it.)