[sinking]

Today at work something happened that made me freak out. It made me feel sui and i fixed an emergency appt with my T.

We got to talk it through but in doing so i had to admit to her my sui plans that she thought were gone.

She seemed so hurt by that, by me not telling her for so long and by me still having these plans. i didnt think enough about it before telling her, i didnt think she would react that way, i didnt think much would have changed for her. i was wrong and now i feel SO GUILTY.

i didnt want to hurt her, i was just too overwhelmed to think about the consequences of telling her. im so sorry.

i know best thing for her would be me working this through and quitting my plans but i dont see it as an option.
maybe i should quit therapy and free her from me.
any other way to repair this?

i never wanted to hurt anyone, but i hurt everyone just by being me

[DelusionsDaily]

The best plan, I see would be to ask your T how you work through this together. When is your next appt? I don't think she will expect you to "just quit planning". I know my T wouldn't, she knows it's not that easy...if it was, I wouldn't need a T. However, you may need to create some kind of plan to ensure your safety. You'll also have to be honest with her and allow her to help you. Hospital would be worst case scenario and at least with T's I have worked with as a client it's often a last resort, but you know your t best.

[ElectricManatee]

I'm so impressed that you were able to reach out to your T when you knew you needed help. That takes courage! Are you sure that your T was hurt/disappointed rather than sad to hear that you're still in so much pain? I only ask because I am astonishingly good at misinterpreting what other people are saying or feeling when I am upset. I really don't think you are hurting people by being you, and I hope that you're able to talk to your T about all this so you can get the help you need to feel better.

[satsuma]

Sinking, I don't think it's your job to worry about how your T is feeling. I mean it's natural to notice T's reaction, but I hope you can stop worrying and feeling guilty. After a, therapy is all about helping you - not about "achieving" making T feel good.

I think it's definitely good though to tell T how you feel, so that they can help.

I hope you feel better soon

[sinking]

Thank you for your support.

this morning it all seemed unreal.

i texted my T saying i was sorry and she said she isnt sorry about me opening up.
i find it hard to believe but i'll stick to it until i see her next time on tuesday.

maybe she wasnt hurt, maybe it was something else, but certainly it wasnt anything good.

im trying to distract myself and not think about it.

[Moment]

What therapists want more than anything is honesty and to know what's going on inside of us. That's the only way they can possibly help. Your therapist is hurting *for* you, no doubt, but is probably incredibly glad you shared your inner life with her. It's an honor for her, if you think about, to be trusted in this way. So I don't see why you should interpret this as "hurting" her. If anything, you have *helped* her by letting her know what's really going on.

[nottrustin]

I suspect it isn't that you hurt her. I think it is more empathy for the fact that you are hurting so bad.

[GoingInside]

You're not guilty of saying the truth, of opening your heart. The hurt you sense in her it's only that she cares about you and wants to help. It's very brave of you of speaking out your pain, she's there to help and that you trust her enough to disclose it's very important. Don't leave her, you may have a genuily positive bond that can help you. I for one never voiced my own issues like you to no T and Pdoc, just to my mother and she's very hurt by it so I refrain from disclosing and hide it away coping as I can.
It takes enormous courage to do what you did, you don't want to start over with somebody else, do you? The only real thing here needing to be repaired is your sweet kind heart, that even in pain is worrying about hurting somebody else's feelings. She's there to help you thru it. It's only natural we're saddened when we hear about things like this. I cried(alone) many times when friends and strangers disclose such feelings because I don't want they ever to leave, I don't want they to give up their lives. I cry because I'm human, but I don't want to ever stop helping someone. I rather cry a million tears so long I'm still by their sides to comfort them and guide them away from these feelings.
You should not feel guilty about it. You think you hurt her but you have no idea the joy she will feel when you, yourself find happiness once again. Don't force yourself, take your time to heal. The hurt you perceive now is empathy and I'm confident one day it will be shared joy. Don't give up on yourself.

[sinking]

Thank you so much for your words....

i dont think she understands why i keep feeling the same things. its as if she only saw what she wanted to see.... maybe because deep down she doesnt get me. i know she does her best, but i have felt misunderstood various times.

but now i dont know how to face this.... i hope we'll just go on as if i didnt say it.

i cannot change myself, she cannot change me... the only thing to work on here is about her understanding me but even if she does, it doesnt really change anything! so whats the point?

[GoingInside]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thank you so much for your words....

i dont think she understands why i keep feeling the same things. its as if she only saw what she wanted to see.... maybe because deep down she doesnt get me. i know she does her best, but i have felt misunderstood various times.

but now i dont know how to face this.... i hope we'll just go on as if i didnt say it.

i cannot change myself, she cannot change me... the only thing to work on here is about her understanding me but even if she does, it doesnt really change anything! so whats the point?

It doesn't change anything right now, but you're still here, you're still fighting the battle. This is what matters. If you truly thinks she's unable to help, then find somebody else, but don't give up on yourself. Sometimes a change is beneficial, but this is up to you. I find that is hard for someone that never felt this way to understand, some people really never ever considered this thought so they struggle to get it. As long as they're trying and acting supportive, I guess it's okay.
I hope you will feel better.