How Well Do You Know Your T?

BudFox posted this in another thread:

It really got me thinking.My T seems like such a kind,gentle,caring koala bear.I feel like I know him as a person but really,I don't know much about him at all other than things I have seen on his Facebook, little clues from the objects in his office,and the few bits of personal info he has shared during sessions.

He could actually be a douche in real life.He could be the type that treats his wife like crap,neglects his kids,could drink often.He could be anyone/anything.

To me,he is what I have created in my mind,he's what I want him to be.But that may not be who he is...at all.I am attached to what and who I think he is,what he represents to me,but not him as a person.That's a wild realization.

So,how well do you know your T?Or do you just think you know him/her?

I just know who he is in therapy. I hate wondering if he really cares about me or if I could leave and he wouldn't care, or maybe he'd feel better. Who knows what is therapist him vs. him. I don't know how he really feels about me, maybe I drive him crazy, etc. I am trying hard within myself just not to care anymore, or at least pretend I don't.

I think it is possible to overthink this. How real is anyone in our interactions with them? I don't think therapists set out to be less real than anyone else. What they should be doing is keeping their crap out of their clients' therapy. This can be understandably jarring but it's important to allow space for the client to focus on themselves and their process.
I am in the somewhat unusual position of having seen my therapist interviewed on a number of occasions on video. I obviously hear more about him in those videos, so I learn facts about him that I wouldn't otherwise know. Because I'm not paying him to tell me about himself. But I see the same warm, thoughtful person in those videos as I see in front of me every week in therapy. I don't feel he puts on an act or a front. I think it's unlikely that therapists are less real than other professionals you might hire. Its just that keeping their stuff out of the way is an important part of the job.

I don't know the woman at all. She is acting -playing a role. I do not imagine I would like her or be friends with her in real life.

Like, as a person? Not at all. Less well than I know the grocery checker, frankly. But after 2 years I feel I've come to "know" the man as a clinician. Meaning I can, more or less accurately, predict how he'll respond/behave in session. He hasn't surprised me in some time.

I know him. I know his personality. I spend an hour every week arguing with him, after all.

I think I probably know him too well, because he hasn't been very good recently at keeping his crap out of my therapy. He's arrogant, and competitive, and stubborn, and those parts of him don't really belong in the therapy room. They aren't helpful to me.

But I also think that if you do a lot of relational work you are inevitably going to end up knowing your T - you will certainly get to know their personality quirks, their sense of humour, their mannerisms... Even if you don't know anything about of the details of their life.

Ex-t admitted that when she started, she utilized her "therapist voice." It was completely fake and contrived and she hated hearing playback of it. She changed it up, reverting back to her regular self. Do I know her? Not really. Not at all, when I think about it

Last therapist admitted you shouldn't know your t at all. He said this does lead to clients fantasizing what the t is like in real life, but that it's all conjecture and the fantasy is usually better than the reality.

It's their job. It's a role. People are much different at home vs work. We're all like that.

Yes I agree that therapists are strangers to their clients. That's the point of therapy. I don't know my therapist: I don't know what she likes, dislikes, what she does as a hobby or who she votes for. I don't care one bit about any of that. Therapy is expensive and my time is precious, I don't want to waste it on finding out stuff about her. Besides, I'm sure she wouldn't answer my questions if I had any. I also think that when people claim to know their T, they only know their therapist in a specific context. Look at how often people on this forum are amazed when they find out something online for instance. It's always: "wow I cannot believe my therapist does/did/likes that!"

I totally agree with this! I'm also in a somewhat privileged position of hearing a couple different lengthy radio interviews with my therapist--so fun to hear him speak and not even cut into my therapy time! I am also lucky that the media appearances aren't different than the person I see in front of me each week, he's the same kind, funny, inquisitive person in both settings. I've gleamed quite bit "unofficially" through google, background, his own website, etc. Officially I know a little, we talk off and on about both having small children at home. So for me, I feel it's enough. My therapist talks very little about himself, and I do appreciate it--that 60 minutes a week goes by so quickly!

I feel like I know my T well based on what I see in therapy. I've been seeing him a few years now and he's told me a lot about himself. Also he says that he tries to be authentic and not put on an act.

Still I know that how he acts towards me and what he tells me is based on the fact that I'm a client. A therapy conversation isn't the same as a casual conversation, it has a focus on my life and situation, so he doesn't tell me everything he thinks or if he's dealing with something in his life, etc. So I'm sure he would show a different side to his friends and family. That's okay with me, I think most professional relationships are like that.

I don't think he's a "stranger," though.

Of course we only know our therapists in a specific context. But that's also true of... everyone we know? I don't know what it's like to know my mother as her employee. I don't know what it's like to know my postman as his partner. I don't know what it's like to know my friend as her twin sister.

I do know a lot about T. Over the years we have discussed and she has disclosed a lot. Are there things so don't know about her? Of course but there are very few people I know everything about.

I knew all three of my therapists pretty well. They were very open about themselves, so their family wasn't a mystery to me. I knew how they spent their spare time, what their hobbies were, etc. We always took a bit of time to just chat and shoot the breeze about non-therapy-related things, so they kept be abreast of their kids and grandkids shenanigans, their weekend trips, or the movies they were seeing or books they were reading.

They also shared their own struggles, stories, frustrations, etc. from time to time. They were very honest about their own personal flaws, shortcomings as spouses or parents, etc. I wasn't one to idolize them or put them on pedestals. I'd say they were pretty real with me. I've kept up with all of them post-therapy - one for over 30 years, another for 20 years, and we've transitioned from therapist/client to friends.

I disagree with the idea that the therapist is "always" a stranger to the client. That has not been my experience at all. Are some therapists strangers to their clients? I'm sure they are. But "always"? Nah.

Well, I've always known a certain amount about my former T. But what I intuited of his character was what was most important. That he presented an edited version of himself in order to be what I most needed, what was in my best interests, served as evidence of his character. In hindsight post therapy, I've learned more about him firsthand, yet nothing has contradicted my sense of his character. His persona as a clinician was firmly grounded in his character then as now.

I guess for me,realizing that I am attached to someone I don't even really know seems a bit ridiculous now.

I've been thinking more along those lines since I've been separated from my T. Stepping out of it feels a whole lot different now. If I go back, I'm guessing it might start up again.

Yes, that's definitely true. Good point!

I know him more than I probably should, he shares a lot....

This piggy-backs nicely on the other thread topic about whether one is their "real" self in therapy. If you only know your T as a therapist, I guess they only know you as a client.

I don't think the woman knows me either. I am a stranger to her as well. We are strangers to each other. She is just some woman I hand money to each week to sit there.

I have spent thousands of hours with my therapist, including many many hours outside of therapy. I know her fairly well. I know her "real life" personality things, what makes her mad and sad and happy, etc. I feel like I know her well enough.

Well, she shares tidbits here and there about herself as they relate to whatever we are talking about, that make me think I know her, and she's always saying how she brings her "whole self" into sessions, but then there's other times when I realize I don't know her really at all... like the time when I told her that she was being very kind to me with regard to a flurry of emails and she said "I'm not kind." That gave me pause. And there are times when her professional mask has slipped and I've gotten a glimpse of someone who is quite different from who I see in my sessions. It's interesting. Like Salmon I don't think she's a stranger, either. I think that well, it's really not unlike how different people know me in different ways - like when I'm at work, or when I'm with my family of origin, whatever. Certain places I wear a mask too. Anyway. Interesting to think about.

This. Right. Here.

Once you leave, you're kinda like "What the helllllll was that?!"

I knew my ex-t too extremely well. But, she was unethical as f^*k. And therapy failed.

My t now I know next to nothing about personally, nor do I want to know. I've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. I know that this t cares about me in a therapeutic way, she's a good person, and she does her best to support me. That's all I want from my therapist.

Is it really a mask though? I mean, you've created it; whatever it is, it comes from you. So then isn't it simply an aspect of yourself? Does the mask have to cover, or can it also reveal? (Which would be a more positive connotation, I think).