How Well Do You Know Your T?

There's a difference between knowing a person and knowing information about a person. I know very little about my T, but I know her very well. She has been consistent for over 2 years with me.

I think I learned of her character quite well. I had very intensive attachment therapy for 18 months. My therapist was not a blank slate and I got to know a lot of things about her. She was a very kind, caring and conscientious therapist, in addition she had a wonderful sense of humor. I suspected that what I saw of her is what her friends also saw. She used examples in her own life to help me negotiate mine healing. In the course of therapy I thought we would have made great friends, so from a posting on PC about former therapist as friends I asked her if she ever friended clients when they finished therapy. She had never done it, knew of a marriage therapist that did, and was not opposed to it, but at that time, what I needed was a therapist. A few times, we discussed different relationships when therapy was officially terminated (ex. come back for tuneups), but with friendship she could never be my therapist again.

I knew I was ready to terminate therapy with her when it did not matter to me if she said no to the a friendship. I was going to be OKAY,one way or another.

This October make it four years that we've been friends. My ex therapist, is still the very kind, caring,and conscientious person as my friend that she was as my therapist. And, still a hoot! She has not changed.

When I was her client I would ask any and everything about her personal life, including sex. One question I felt was inappropriate then and sometimes wish that I did, but never would ask the question as a friend. I would also never ask the question of my friends of 30 years or new friends I meet. I'll just have to take my curiosity to my grave, unless...

I know a fair amount of info about Kashi's life and past but I'm still learning who he is as a person and clinician. He has a slightly deceptive side I've caught on occasion. I'm more offended that he thinks he has pulled anything over me at all. He is more transparent than he likes to believe.

So well put. This is what I seek, as well.

I know different parts of her -- they're all true, so to speak. But, they don't form a coherent whole in my mind. It all feels rather fragmented.

But, then again, the same could be said of my sense of my own self (not that I strongly believe in its existence but that's a different topic).

Or, that of most other relationships / people in my life.

I don't have a problem though in mostly "knowing" her really closely in an emotional sense in session (and she has experienced me in that way as well). But, she has commented that that's my 'hyper-attunement' (long-standing survival trick) at work and little else.

My two cents--I don't think it's ridiculous at all. The therapy relationship is both a completely artificial and totally genuine relationship if done right. It's a bizarre contradiction on a fundamental level, I think.

I know there are differing opinions on being friends with a therapist when the therapeutic relationship ends, and I am all for what works for people. But I really like the point my therapist made in an interview--he studies ethics as an academic speciality, and it's his opinion that once you cross that line from therapist/ client into friendship, it's very difficult/ almost impossible to go back if you wanted to resume therapy. It makes sense to me since so many things in a friendship setting don't apply to therapy. (I would feel awful if I talked nonstop for an hour about myself to a friend.). So to me, that boundary and artificialness of the relationship helps the client, or at least helps me. I think therapists should still be their genuine selves in session, but for me, as lovely as I think my therapist is, I wouldn't want to be friends with him. I value the therapy
relationship too much. I know whenever we do wrap things up (probably not anytime soon), I will need him and to resume therapy in the future when my older parents pass away.

I feel I know all that is necessary for having a good therapy r-ship.

I think this is a really interesting discussion. I just want to add that as well as knowing how they are with me and so on, I know things about T's life, that he shares with me. I know this is not the case with all Ts and all therapies so just wanted to add that it depends on the T and on the approach. Ive never felt overburdened with this or that T was making therapy all about him, but it did help me hugely to be able to trust him. It really scared me in the first few sessions that I really didn't know anything about who he was aside from professional qualifications. Then I think it was in the fourth session, I was too stressed to speak at the beginning, and so T started chatting to me a bit and told me about something he had done recently with his wife and child. This helped me so much to have some context and be able to trust T - I can still remember the difference it made to me.

I feel like I know my therapists therapist-self fairly well.

After thinking about this statement I made,and after sleeping on it,I take it back,it's not ridiculous that I am attached to my T.

It's a real relationship,it's not just a paid one,there's way more to it than that.He really is a kind,caring and loving person,not just because I perceive him that way and want him to be that way.I believe that even without any pay being involved he would be there for me if I needed him.It's a therapeutic relationship,but still a relationship nonetheless.

And I realize it's not necessary to know everything about him personally to be in this relationship with him.It's like any other relationship in that I only receive what the other person is willing to give or share of themselves.And they only receive what I'm willing to give and share in return.I think we all give and share of ourselves differently in each relationship that we're in.There's certain things we don't share with certain people.

I've been married for many years,there's things my husband doesn't know about me and never will.There's things I don't know about him and probably never will.It's still a real relationship,regardless of that.I have friends that I withhold certain things from,just as they do the same.

Are you sure you're not my t in disguise?! I think I'm scared now...

The Experts' Biggest Mistakes

Read the comments and see if you think you know the therapist you hire.
see how they sound when talking about themselves and clients.

I watched the video and read all the comments too.I don't get the point you're trying to make,is it that our therapists have most likely made mistakes?If that's it,I wouldn't expect my T to be perfect,just as any other human being,mistakes will be made.

The comments helped me see they're all human and they do seem to learn from their mistakes and try to do things differently.

That's very true too!

People can be married to someone and never know them well if they are not open to intimacy, secretive, private, reserved, or whatever. Some may share a lot of information but little emotion. Some may share a lot of emotion but little information. Some may share information but not opinions of you or politics or whatever. Some reveal more of their character than others. And still with some people, what you see is what you get! There are many variations.

I'm sure how well someone knows their T varies quite extensively depending on how your T works, her personality, other factors. I've had different Ts who I knew more or less about. This one I hardly know anything about.

Maybe it felt ridiculous because you wanted to temporarily escape it? It's ok to feel different ways about it.

I can't see my T now that I'm experiencing more hardship and can no longer pay him for once a week sessions. So, it didn't turn out that way for me, and it felt traumatic to have to abruptly stop when I needed support the most. I have good days and bad ones now, and it still hurts tremendously.

I was about to post this. I also read the comments.

I found that quite moving- video and comments.

Everyone in the world makes mistakes. I think what comes across strongly here, for me, is the difference that it makes to be able to admit a mistake, to recognise how you have hurt someone and feel genuinely sorry for it, and to be ready to learn from that mistake. I think it builds strength of character to be able to do that, and probably helps us to be empathetic and forgiving when it comes to other people's mistakes, because we're aware of our own mistakes.

It seemed ridiculous at first because I don't know him personally,but as I said,after thinking about it and sleeping on it,I don't feel it's ridiculous anymore.It was just my initial reaction to the realization that I don't really know him that made me say what I did.

Sorry you can't see your T.Did you talk to him about a reduced fee or anything?

What an interesting discussion. It really made me think of all of the different ways we "know" people.

My therapist shares stories about her life, "small talk" stories about things we have in common as we're easing in to a session, or stories that illustrate a point we're discussing. It has been helpful the very few times she's indicated without going into personal detail that she understands some of what I am facing. I've been deeply grateful for that. She is consistently kind, professional, thought-provoking, knowledgeable, funny. I feel like I "know" her as well as the professional relationship allows, and I don't think those boundaries mean the relationship isn't genuine.

I don't want to know the woman. And I don't really care if she knows me or not. She thinks she does. She is almost always wrong.

In terms of the video - I found it smarmy and self congratulatory. My biggest fault is that I care too much sort of ********.

You always seem to have negative things to say about therapy and therapists.Why are you in therapy,is it court ordered or something?I think if I felt/believe the way you do I wouldn't waste my time or money going.

(not trying to provoke,just asking)

No. I am not forced to go. One of the many reasons I I still pay one of them is to find out what they do. I sue them for clients who have been harmed. I started going for another reason - the woman was useless for that reason but I have managed to find a use for it.

Ah,I see,thank you for answering,although it doesn't really make sense to me.I was sexually abused by a gynecologist and if I had decided to sue I don't get how someone seeing a different gynecologist would be relevant to my case at all since each one would be different.They may do the same basic things but their personalities,morals,etc would vary greatly.

I have never told anyone else how to view therapists - I just give my own opinion of their ilk. Plus I see a lot of them and to me - they are all pretty much alike in most ways that I am looking at. Even the ones I use as my experts are not people I particularly have any respect for = they are useful because they support my client.

And I don't actually agree with your conclusion about mds either - but to each their own.

My conclusion that each one would be different?That's not really a conclusion I came to,it's just common sense.Not every,or not even a good majority of them, are going to sexually abuse a patient.