my T was so angry with me today

My therapist spend an extended session (3 hours) blocking my path to the door one evening when I was extremely suicidal. If she had let me leave in that state I would be dead today. I had just started Lyrica for pain, but at the time we did not know what was causing me to be actively suicidal. I vaguely remember her pushing me back down into whatever chair that was behind me. She is a tiny little thing and I've got a good 50 plus pounds on her.(Tonight I told her she was scrappy little thing but a strong fighter.) At that point in my life I was not an easy person to reason with, with or without Lyrica, so it took a while for me to be safe to go home. She did have me come back early in the morning.

I used to record my sessions, and it really helped me to see and know exactly how things played out: tone of voice, cadence, etc. Many things that were said and done then if taken out of context, people would not have supported me staying with my therapist.

I hear your pain granite, and I only have a symbolic ((hug)) for you. I wish like others, that we could do more. You have every right to jump ship, but remember you've been here before over the many years with this therapist, and often it was do to misunderstandings, yet you both were able to move forward. This time as usual I see a different perspective than others, so I hope that you will let your therapist know how you feel about the other day.

Good luck to both of you.

This makes me so saddened to read. Therapy is about a safe space for someone who needs safety, and it is a grievous violation of trust, trust as in person to person but also as in "trustee", to scare a client to this degree. I don't know you, but tears welled up in my eyes reading your post. I know it is scary to leave or change T's, but I hope today this very day you can make an appointment with a trauma T to talk about this.

I know it's a no-no for a therapist to block the door, but mine did it once instinctively then realized what she was doing and stepped back. It meant a lot that it was her instinct not to let me leave in that state, even though she snapped to and realized she couldn't do that.

I do the same thing that you do, granite, which is to experience my therapist as acting like someone else/mean when I'm in a bad frame of mind. It's hard to see it any other way. That's one reason I tape record.

I agree.

I think her choice of words and maybe even her understanding about what it is like to have had trauma and reenactments is poor here. For myself, I never felt that whatever is was that was getting activated was "I". So for someone to have said that to me would have felt very blaming and accusing and . . .wrong, because that wasn't "I".

Nevertheless, what you wrote that she said at the end seems like she was trying to be there for you and to provide what she thinks you need. Whether it is or not is up to you to decide.

Very complicated. Hope things can work out or that you can feel OK about moving on.

I agree with the others-- It sounds to me like this t doesn't have experience working with trauma clients. And so that is creating more trauma for you. The fact that she is so triggering to you seems psychologically and emotionally dangerous for you continue this relationship as is. What do you think about the idea of getting a mediator?

I agree that recording sessions would be an excellent choice. My T actually suggested I record sessions because I dissociate so much and couldn't remember anything he said. What I did remember I misinterpreted and always thought the worst of what I remembered him saying until I played the session back and realized I was wrong. I am NOT saying you are wrong I am just telling you what I tend to do and listening back has stopped so many ruptures before they even start. Actually they start in my head but I always make sure I listen back before I say anything to T about what made me mad during the session.

I told my T about this last session and how I feel guilty for always thinking the worst of him and how I don't trust him. He explained that it is totally normally for people who have experienced abuse as I have. He said there is a primal instinct to interpret ambiguous things as dangerous and to think the worst. It keeps me safe regardless of whether I am wrong or not. I felt so much better after he told me that. I didn't want him to be mad at me for always believing the worst of him but he was so understanding. We worked on some reframes of my twisted thoughts and while it is still hard for me to believe my thoughts are totally normal it was reassuring that he was so understanding.

Good luck to you. I hope you can find some peace with your thoughts. Triggers can be horrible and it is no fun to relive the trauma.

Hey Granite ,

I am glad that you had so many helpful replies , I wish I could give you some advice , but I can only tell you what I would do and that would not be the right thing to do.

If my T ever started shouting and blaming me for my prior actions or feelings , then that would be it , if my T blocked the door so I could not leave , I would move my T so that I could leave. I would never see that T again.

I would not call / e-mail / text , whatever , I would delete all history.

I would blank my now ex T , out of my head.

Like I said that would be the wrong thing to do , for several reasons , not getting into today.

Here is one course of action:

The next time you see your T , simply say "Hello and how are you today" , and get on with things.

Your T is not going to be expecting that , your T will be prepared for the next round.

Take that next round away , prove you are the better person.

Anyone can fight , but not everyone can stand. This will be your shining moment to prove your worth , and make your T think about how your T acted towards you.

If your T goes off the deep end again , just get up and thank your T for there time and say goodbye. If your T asked where are you going ? tell your T ,

I am going to live.

All my best ,

KP 

We as a strong community , even in our greatest times , have our own issues.

I have received much help in the 2 + months I have been a member , however as well intended as we all can be , we can not take the place of professional help.

But know this , you will always have help and support here , because we are family.

We got your back !!

Thank you for this post. This is exactly how it was for me.