[Mouse_]

I told T today that my fantasy world is now impinging on my life today...I told her I have a fantasy that I am dead and I can watch her mourne me...I told her before I entered therapy my fantasy was always that I was lying in a hospital bed and waiting for "friends" to come visit me and be ever so concerned and that the nurses would be ever so concerned...but that fantasy disappeared not long after therapy started and I realised that nurses are not always the caring individuals the profession suggests...I remember as a child being in hospital and sticking my arm out the cot rail pretending I was asleep and wanting one of the nurses to touch me...now I think about sitting at a distance and experiencing what it would feel like to see T mourn my passing...T said can't I even in the fantasy ask for what I need? I nodded NO!...T said it seems your always experiencing caring as something that will happen sometime in the future? your imminent passing? ..that you dont seem to feel you can get it now?...I told her I SI when I am in the fantasy but now the fantasy and reality are on a crash course..my body in the Today is paying the price...I told her that this is just a business relationship and not real...she sat up and looked right at me and said is it? I think its real...I just kept knocking her back...then I felt angry and stiff and wanted to go...wanted to escape the pain of not getting "held"..but I refused to bolt again and sat and said,...you know...I think my feeling of anger and frustration at not being able to feel close is not about today in this room?...that this is how it use to feel but if I want it there is something to be had here?...T said its important that I saw that....then I felt my body relax slightly only to tense up as i went back into that place...Its hard to understand that all I need do is relax and "be" in the room with T...my body just automatically finds the hardest route and takes it..gotta fight with myself...sigh

[pegasus]

It is very sad that you feel that you have to be dead to get any comfort from anyone. Hopefully that dream/fantasy will change gradually. You have a good T there mouse.

Sending a hug to you.

((((((( mouse ))))))))

[sunrise]

Hi mouse. I guess the fantasy of having someone mourn us is the ultimate "proof" that they truly cared. They are experiencing authentic grief, not "faking" their caring for us only because they feel we are watching them and they have to "pretend" they care (or because they are paid to care). I wonder if your the fantasy is about not trusting the care, warmth, and affection your T shows to you in real life? In your fantasy, she "proves" it by mourning (her professional obligation as a therapist would not require her to mourn). And yes, all those echoes back to childhood. I wonder how they feel when we push them away, even if they know so much of it is transference from our past?

I have had the bodily sensation of fighting myself in session to not push T away. I felt like I was trying to break old, entrenched patterns of behavior. On this one occasion, it was really hard, and I remember being so proud that I didn't do it. But it was a battle, and it was distracting--what did we talk about, anyway? After session, I was exhausted.

[dalila]

<font color="green">It is so weird that you brought this up today. I had been thinking about asking my therapist if she would come to my funeral if I die first or if she does can I go to hers!?! For me, I immediately went to the ideal that she will be dead soon and went into some premature mourning.

Why do we look for the worst things to happen in hope of recieving some comfort?
</font>

i... push my therapist away sometimes when he is trying to be connected to me. i push away his efforts in the present but fantasise quite freely about him caring for me. its really scary to feel connected to him in the present sometimes.

i was having trouble before because he is taking time off. i feel... abandoned. alone. sometimes i forget he isn't there and it is like i hold my arms out all hopeful - and then i remember. never mind feeling a little happy / excited that i can send him an email and he will get it and be thinking of me. he said he won't be checking his emails. now i feel the disapointment like a kick in the stomach when i remember. i feel hurt and... ashamed for having felt the urge to reach out for him.

i don't want to care about him. i don't want to need him. because then it will just hurt so much when he isn't there for me. if i don't care about him then it won't matter if he isn't there for me.

i pushed him away hard in our last session together. i see what i did now. i sent him a long rambelling complicated email and he didn't really understand what i was saying... he tried to but i kept deflecting his efforts. he tried to connect with me and i kept deflecting his efforts. i think he felt a little... hurt. defensive. attacked. of course i could be projecting... but i think its more projective identification really. thats how that feels take that.

hurts sometimes.

hang in there.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i don't want to care about him. i don't want to need him. because then it will just hurt so much when he isn't there for me. if i don't care about him then it won't matter if he isn't there for me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This comment struck me today. I think I may be feeling this way too just not admitting it to myself. I don't want anyone close to me husband, T, friends because I don't want to need or depend on them. I do to great extremes to act publicly like they are not important to me. Even though deep in my mind (in my fantasies) they are very important to me. I am simply an insure %#@&#!!

[Mouse_]

I feel I've woken up slightly from this fantays having vocalised it T on monday...I am currently taking steps to see to any damage done possibly by the fantasy induced si and realise that on some level that I have nothing to fear about abandoment and want to live more than die for some stupid fantasy...would T grief if I died? Yeah I expect she would...but she is also here for me while I'm alive..

[chaotic13]

Mouse,
I'm glad you have found and have acknowledged that you have support. I guess the next step is not being afraid to use it. I guess another big step would be learning to trust that it will always be there for you when you need it.