Friends... I am taking a little break for awhile.. to figure out what I am...

This morn.. I reacted to a research poll and asked to have it deleted.. it was by a psych student... and I when I say reacted.. was triggered.. and it has made me think.. really think..

Am I a person or a research rat?

My first therapist, I was with for 10 years.. Dxed with MPD or DID.. it was 23 years ago.. I have experienced alot in life.. incest survior, with a pedaphile for 4 years, 12 years of marriage as a battered spouse.. mute for a year.. OCD.. cantalope size cyst and near death when I was 19... I could go on..but yes.. I suppose it is "interesting" to study me..

My son had the first operation of it's kind in our area.. and doctors came from all over the hospital to view him, his charts.. they recorded it so they could teach others..

So.. I ask.. has my family contributed enough to research.. can I have one place where I can come where it is safe..

I trusted my first therapist with my life.. so great our bond..

I did many drawings, writings... creative stuff..and he took it and published it in his book on MPD.. My stuff was published without my permission.. though my name was removed..
I felt.. exposed... put out in the public in the name of reseach.. my private thoughts.. my drawings.. my writings.. my paintings.. for all to see...

He refused to give my own stuff back to me... it is irreplaceable.. the material was created by alters that have already been integrated.. it shows the progression of the integration.. it shows the depth of feeling that each alter felt.. yet it is not mine... it is "research"..

It was suggested by someone here.. that as long as the person wasn't hurting anyone.. the research should be allowed to stay.. I had a choice whether to respond or not..
That is so true..

But this is my safe haven.. this is my sanctury.. I choose to share my feelings with you my friends... and it isn't for research...

It was further suggested that "out there", I was indeed being researched.. and that just brings back all the fears.. of being studied.. and also if out there.. why not here too.. after all what is the difference..

Then a more senior member suggested that not all research is like what I have experienced.. and that I also had a choice...

So I am one very confused person...

Am I a person... or am I a research rat? I am so confused..

May God please grant me some peace.. may he heal some very old wounds...

May you my friends have compassion and understanding for me when I hurt so very badly..

Please hold me in your hearts until my pain eases..

Thank you...your friend freewill

[LMo]

((( FW )))

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It must have been painful. My thoughts are with you

[Perna]

What others see is not who we are. Who we are cannot be taken from us or even dictated to us. I'm so s, orry you were so badly triggered and I can imagine anyone would be with your background.

I gave my T original letters to me from my aunt telling me about myself as a young child and about my family's background and my aunt's and father's lives, etc. and other official papers gathered through the years but never asked for them back. I didn't give my T anything I didn't want her to have, willingly. I had another T years earlier who I gave poems to and he used them in a talk to other therapists. I let them talk, they don't "know" me because yesterday I wrote such and such a poem. I'm a living, breathing entity and continuously growing and changing.

I use to fear telling other people my ideas for fear they'd take and use them but then I realized that I don't have "limits" like that, I can come up with more ideas and it is only by using mySelf, my creativity and "practicing" coming up with ideas that it will continuiously flow. I don't think I can hold on to what I was, stay static and "safe", that's an illusion. I am "self-contained", yes, like a river is contained within its banks but I am not impermeable, I allow my fish to be caught and used to nourish others and love to play with children who throw rocks in and watch the ripples or who swim in my quiet pools on hot summer days.

Good resting {{{freewill}}}

[Milkyway]

I hope you will feel better soon... I wish I could have the special magic words to make your pain go away just as you would read those lines...

My thoughts are with you too....

Take care
(((((Freewill)))))

f from across the ocean ...

[pegasus]

(((((((( freewill ))))))))) I am sorry you feel you need to go away for a bit.

Research isn't allowed on PC and I presume the offending research thread has now been deleted. If you see any suspicious posts you can always alert a moderator. PC isn't perfect but it is pretty good!

Do you view yourself as a rat? I think research is good for somethings in helping people and finding the best treatments etc. I hate doing research myself, very boring. You are an analyst yourself aren't you? I remember reading it in one of your threads, Didn't you look into things to try to find the best possible answer? That all being said, PC is NOT the place for research. And we are all anonymous here anyway, unless you disclose who you really are yourself.

I'm sorry you are hurting, I hope you change your mind and stick around, I'll miss you.

'am i a person or a research rat'

maybe it isn't an either / or kind of a thing.

maybe it is about this:

'am i a subject or an object'

the idea is that a subject is a thinking and feeling person with hopes and emotions and desires of their own. a subject of experience. that has the right to have their preferences taken into account and has the right not to be treated as merely a means towards other peoples ends.

the idea is that an object is a thing that can be manipulated and poked and prodded and dissected according to our curiosity and our desires. where it is perfectly acceptable for us to treat objects as a mere means to our ends.

it sounds like your experience with research left you feeling like you were being treated as an object. the person used very personal things that you gave them without your permission and ultimately against your will in order to further their own ends. hence, your understandably feeling like a 'research rat'.

the majority of research isn't like that. that is why there are ethical restrictions on 'informed consent' so that people can decide whether they want to participate in research or not.

i personally like to participate in research (as a subject) as much as possible because i think that people are attempting to help other people who have similar experiences / problems to me. and... i'd like to help them if at all possible. i like participating in research because i feel like a research subject and not like a research object, however. i like to give my informed consent to participate in studies that are run by people with reputable credentials where they are bound by ethical guidelines that i fairly much trust. if i'd had your experience of objectification (someone using your stuff against your will) then i figure i'd be a little wary of research too.

but i guess the idea is...

to figure out what belongs to the past and what belongs to the present and try not to live your life in response to the past over and over and over... try and focus on the present as best you can because there can be lots of horrid %#@&#! in the past whereas things are basically safe and okay right now.

[sunrise]

I'm disturbed this student was doing research on this site. For my job, I do humans subject research and at least in the U.S., there are gazillions of rules and regulations you have to abide by if doing research on humans. You have to submit a detailed plan of your proposed research (including surveys of people on websites) to your institution's Institutional Review Board (IRB) and get their approval before you can proceed. This is a complicated process. They would never approve research in which the people taking part (for example, members of Psych Central) did not sign an Informed Consent Form, which details the purpose and procedures of the study, and lists the potential harms and benefits. Freewill, I feel confident an IRB would never approve the survey you described, which did not include informed consent and caused you quite a bit of psychological trauma, just in seeing it (yes, the IRB's consider this sort of negative impact and are very protective of research subjects). If this student's research institution can be identified, she could be reported to her IRB and be in SERIOUS trouble, perhaps having to pay a hefty fine or being forbidden from conducting further humans subject research. I am not exaggerating.

Does anyone have the link to the original post made by the researcher? I would like to look at the survey and its explanation and instructions. Or does anyone know the poster's screen name? I'm thinking I may like to contact her and read her the riot act. She has broken so many regulations, it is not funny.

[Mouse_]

{{Freewill}}

(((((((freewill)))))))))))

(((((((((freewill))))))))))

sweetheart I am so so sorry you have been put through so much turmoil. You have come through it all and still manage to be so kind and helpful to others, You are a wonderful wonderful person, please remember that above everything else. You have been treated so badly, but you are strong and strong people are beautiful people just like yourself.

sending you gentle and loving hugs, take care, remember we are here when you need us.

Love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

(((Freewill))

[ECHOES]

((( freewill )))

You are a person to me. I care how you feel and hope you are okay.

To us you are a person and friend. I understand that you have to do what you need to take care of yourself but I bet I speak for everyone when I say that I hope our friend comes back soon.

I don't know exactly what this student was doing. Was it a survey?

Whether the student is bound by IRB guidelines or not kind of depends where she was up to with her studies / what she was trying to do with her studies.

For example, undergraduates often do informal surveys off their own bat. They often don't realise that there are IRB guidelines that apply. I figure that you can take that to be the case when someone does a survey under the rubric of anonymity and where they do not disclose their institution. Sometimes (regretably) they ask a lecturer whether they can do this and the lecturer says that yeah, sure they can. Part of it is about the lecturer assuming that the IRB will rule that the survey does not constitute research. How come it doesn't constitute research? The person would never get a peer reviewed publication out of it because the appropriate research protocol isn't being followed and (because you can bet) that they would have failed to adequately control for ordering effects, agreement bias and so forth. It is much harder to design a good survey than it looks...

> They would never approve research in which the people taking part (for example, members of Psych Central) did not sign an Informed Consent Form, which details the purpose and procedures of the study, and lists the potential harms and benefits.

That is a little controversial. Dr Bob said that his boards didn't constitute research even though he had stated that posters should realise that in posting they were giving him permission to quote from their posts in research articles and seminars. I told him that 'only the IRB has the power to decide whether it constitutes research or not' so he put in a proposal to the IRB and they determined 'the boards do not constitute research at this time'. As such, he doesn't need to request that posters give him informed consent - but he does.

Er... If the poster said that they wanted people to respond for research purposes then... Can't one simply decide not to respond if one doesn't want to be in the research? I don't really understand the problem (unless it is about 'researchers' who research anonymously without disclosing their university affiliation and without IRB approval).

> Does anyone have the link to the original post made by the researcher?

I'd like to see it too. My guess is that it would have been 'moved' (which is psychcentral speak for deleted).

[ECHOES]

I was on at the time and responded to the person who posted the survey. She had just joined and has hew own psych issues (anxiety and depression) as well as children with several different issues (tourettes, OCD, etc).

She identified herself as a psych student and asked for volunteers to respond to her survey which was in an attachment.

I looked at the survey to see what it was like. It was questions posed to an observer of a student, presumably a troubled student, about their behaviors being observed, social skills, and what they might be in need of to help them.

This was the poster's first post, so I copied and pasted the community guidelines so she could understand why her post/survey weren't being well received.

I also exchanged several PM's with her.

She was apologetic and didn't realize that research was not welcome or permitted.

She had intended to be a participating member at the outset but decided to leave. I tried to persuage her to stay. We all goof sometimes. It's okay.

It began and ended in an hour's time or less. The post was deleted, and I don't know by whom.

That's all I know. It was a difficult thing to see someone be triggered and understandably so, but also seeing that the person who triggered did so in innocent ignorance and without ill intention. One might argue that she should have read the community rules better, but heck even I don't know all the rules and I've been here over a year.

Just a sad situation.

Thanks for explaining your take Echoes. Sounds like a sad situation all round, yeah.

(((((everyone)))))

[ECHOES]

you're welcome, alex. yes, I agree... sad all around.