[sidony]

Well most of you know I've been a mess lately. I've posted in my "good and bad" thread about the details. But one thing I mentioned there deserves its own thread:

My T has many times told me about the importance of sharing feelings, asking for help, etc. I've always been bad at it. But just yesterday and today I really shared a lot of my feelings. I told my sister how upset I've been -- every detail all the way down to feeling like I want to hurt myself. The kind of stuff I would never tell a soul for fear of being too needy, driving them nuts, etc.

And you know what? It helped a lot. As it turns out my sister is a great support and doesn't seem to think ill of me for any of the things I've said. She couldn't have been more helpful really.

I feel good about that.

I still feel bad in general -- insomnia, problems with obsessive thinking, bad thoughts about wanting to hurt myself, feeling useless and hopeless in general. But it did help. I'm actually spending the night at my sister's place tonight because I was able to share that I can't be alone lately without losing my mind.

Therapy will always be the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Sidony

[Perna]

That's wonderful you were able to share with your sister and she was able to respond so well and be/bring a bit of a comfort to you!

[Mouse_]

Sidony, I second what Perna says, that is wonderful!

Seriously Sid, that is wonderful. I mean I hate that you are feeling so awful, but what an awesome result to be able to spend the night with your sister now... You have become a little more comfortable speaking up.... maybe group has helped with that, too, in some small way? Your T is wonderful.

[lauren_helene]

I'm happy for you Sid!

[MissCharlotte]

(((Sidony)))

I am jealous that you were able to share with your sister. When I share with my sibs, I don't exactly get support.

I agree with you on one thing though, the best sharing comes with T!

In the "for what it's worth" category, when I started my job (and T was away) I fell apart too. Could there be something in the transition that is triggering you? Maybe the transition itself?

[selfy]

awww sister its a shame u cant share with sibs, maybe try to do it slowly, talk to one one day, tell them u dont feel too hot. try to push yourself, see how they react. im sure they will care for you and try to help. and failing that uve always got us!

sid its great that u r getting on so well and getting support from your sister! keep at it it is doing yah good i reckon.
take care all
self

[Soidhonia]

Good for you ((SIDONY))) for sharing with your sister. It helps to know that things happen and you can feel free to share yor situation with family members. Take care. Soidhonia

[sunrise]

sidony, I think reaching out to your sister and sharing with her is a huge success! I hope you will tell your T about his. He will be so pleased (feel like he has helped you in a really important way!) and happy for you. One of the first things my first counselor told me was that she couldn't be the only one to bear the burden of my problems and that I needed to have support in my outside life. She was very aggressive about trying to get me to build up my outside support system. The first person I reached out to was also my sister.

[sidony]

Thanks everyone. It was incredibly helpful.

I just got home from my sister's house (though I'm going back there this evening). Yesterday was so strange. I met my sister for a drink and talked a bit (first time we'd been alone together in ages since her husband is always present). Then we went back to her house for dinner and hanging out. I slept in the extra room but woke up in the night (2 hours seems to be the maximum amount of time I can sleep right now). When I woke up my sister was getting up to go to the restroom and I asked her to come in. We sat on the bed whispering to each other (didn't want to wake her husband in the next room). I talked more about the things I've been anxious about (she was very very comforting) and then we talked about old old issues from our childhood (things that hadn't been mentioned in years and years). It was strange and comforting. Funny, she and I are so very different we would never have met in the real world (if we weren't related), yet if we're looking for it the bond of family is still there -- old old experiences that are common to us.

I told her how upset I've been. I'm pretty much having an anxiety attack right now. It's unfortunate because I need to be doing things for a job I'm supposedly starting day after tomorrow. Without going into all the detail: I'm worried that I've somehow screwed up the job (we haven't signed a contract yet) or that there's more I need to know than I know (some stuff I should be studying this weekend but can't). So I'm anxious that my job will either fall through or that I won't be able to do it if it doesn't. It's all scary and overwhelming. I know job changes are one of the big stressers in life, but I was unprepared for how anxious I'd be when I was laid off. It was brutal to my self-esteem. I've had all these crazy thoughts of doing bizarre or self-destructive things. I told all this stuff to my sister in the night. She's like "this is STRESS -- you are not having a psychotic episode -- you will be fine -- I've felt like this too." Etc. etc. It was so strange to talk like that since we haven't in years (I mean, we regularly communicate or do things together, but we never talk about any of the old issues from our lives, ever).

For those who mentioned it, I did talk to T yesterday (he called me since I'd left him a message on Friday). I told him how I'd been talking so much to my sister and he was pleased I know. Saying it was something I should be proud of. I see him tomorrow and will hopefully be able to talk a lot more about the things that are upsetting me.

I'm suddenly really emotional. I'm generally one of those stonewall people who never cry ever and suddenly the least little thing leaves me in tears. I guess that's what anxiety does to me.

You guys may see some weird posts from me in the next few days as I try to cope. I'm so anxious I almost can't be alone (will spend the night at my sister's again tonight) and I'm not sure how I'm going to recover. I very much appreciate all the support on this forum. It's wonderful. I hope to be more supportive to all of you once I've recovered somewhat.

Someone mentioned group -- sometimes it does help. I don't know if I can talk about this stuff in it tomorrow or not, but maybe a few things. Probably not the whole deal as I'd be overwhelmed trying to tell that to a group of people IRL.

Thanks everyone.

Sidony