[MissCharlotte]

T and I discussed couples therapy and we came to the conclusion that couples work should be with a different T, not him.

He said that he thought it was important that I have a safe place to be. sigh

He said that if he validated my husbands position on something during couples work and that upset me, it could affect our relationship and it was a valid concern.

Of course it took me the entire session and lots of writhing and ummming and who knows what else to get that out.

[chaotic13]

I originally started T because my 10 was having a lot of problems and I wanted to get him help. The T I chose does family and couple counseling as well as individual. My husband went to a T session alone once. It was supposed to focus on how he was treating our kids and to get him to realize how his verbal abuse was affecting our 10 yr. Although this session was VERY effective and he really got the message about abuse I still fume over it sometimes. When he came home he told me how the session went and all the stuff they talked about. It seemed like they talked a lot about me. I don't think I could handle him talking to her again or us both being there. I want my own advocate for a while.

[Mouse_]

Sister, I think that was a good suggestion from your T.

[Perna]

So, did you decide to go ahead, are "plans" being made or are you still just exploring the topic. Sounds like you got good advice thanks to yourself and speaking up.

[sunrise]

Sister, sounds like a good solution. As you know, my husband and I have been for couples therapy with my T before. Nine sessions, in fact. I was in therapy for 7 months with T before we did couples. T gave me all the warnings of what might happen (along the lines of what your T said), and he also said it does not work for everyone because some clients cannot tolerate his having a relationship with their spouse after they have been exclusive with him. It has the potential to feel like betrayal, and is not for everyone. At first, I knew I would never do this, but then changed my mind. It has worked out, but has potential pitfalls, which we have navigated successfully but not without some angst. I think it has actually brought me and T closer, and I wouldn't have predicted that. I think it also takes a T with certain training and experience to pull this off successfully. I think the partner in the counseling might also have some difficulties with the arrangement. I have wondered if my husband ever felt like somehow the sessions weren't fair or equal because I had this prior relationship with T. He never voiced this concern, but I've wondered. It helped that he liked T so much.

sister, I am glad you know what will and won't work for you. Sounds like such a good discussion. Now you can move forward with your plans for couples therapy without these concerns about your relationship with your T. Will your T recommend couples therapists to you? Will you and your husband both be involved in finding the couples therapist?Good luck with that.

I think that's a great suggestion. I know my T feels that way too about couples therapy, as do I. It is very important for you to have your own safe place to go. I believe that couples therapy can be done very effectively with the same therapist for individual and couples (as Sunrise has proven) but it always depends on the couple, the individuals, and the reasons for going to therapy. Did your T suggest someone? Where will you find a couples therapist?

[lauren_helene]

Sister I absolutely 200% agree with your T. In fact, his example is what happened with me. I wouldn't have made any progress on my own if I had continued couples counseling with my same T.

Your T is right, he will validate your husband from time to time because the point of couples counseling is the couple, not the individual.

I'm glad he told you that...

[MissCharlotte]

He didn't so much make a suggestion as he said that my concerns were realistic, and then provided the example (of validating hubby) that could occur. He said he has seen it go both ways but that if I was worried then we should find someone else to do the couples therapy. T will help us find someone else.

We aren't in a rush, my husband is willing and we will see someone we both agree on. Funny enough, my husband also felt that we should maybe see someone different for both of the same reasons (that he didn't want T to take my side and that he was worried about upsetting my therapy).

I just know I would wind up pissed off at T and then I would feel I had no place to go with my worries.

BIG BREATH OF RELIEF

Of course, T looks at me and says, "Well, why didn't you just say that?" Argggg Famous last words. That gave rise to a whole 'nother conversation about my difficulty in expressing my needs. yeah

Dang.