[peaches100]

I went to my therapy session yesterday and wanted to let you know what happened. It's kind of long, so I'm splitting it up into parts. Sorry if it is repetitive.

PART 1

I took my h with me to my session yesterday. I had told my t that if I continue in therapy with her, we need to change our therapy focus -- away from attachment and parts work. But I wasn't sure what focus we should have. I really feel like just quitting therapy altogether.

Since my h strongly feels that I should not quit therapy, I decided to let him come with me and share his opinions about how I've been doing overall (mentally, emotionally, etc.). I also wanted him to say why he thinks I should not quit, and what kind of therapy focus he believes would be most helpful. We have a good relationship, and he knows me really well, so I felt OK about bringing him. I'll tell you what he said later.

Here's what I said...

I told them I've learned a lot in therapy over the years. I can list several things I've learned and ways I've changed, and I'm sure the things I've learned will benefit my life from now on. We've resolved a lot of my smaller issues. But my biggest issues - with attachment and dissociation - have not been resolved. We've tried over and over again to work on those issues. But we always end up in the same place.

The work stirs up too many painful feelings that I can't adequately contain after session. We do containment work before I leave her office, but it doesn't always last. I get triggered and dissociate midweek, and I can't manage it without help from her between sessions. She can't give it (or doesn't want to, although I didn't say this). So I struggle through it alone.

During a triggered moment like this, I feel genuinely scared and sometimes like I'm losing reality or going crazy. It feels like something life-threatening is happening to me. When my t does not reply to an email I send her when I am in distress...or offers no more than a brief sentence or two, it sometimes isn't enough to ground me and help me calm down. I need something from her that proves she is actually giving thought to my situation and is taking the time necessary to provide the support I need, not just typing off a quick few words and hitting SEND.

Yesterday, I told my h and my t that when I have those episodes between sessions, and my t does not respond in the way I need her to, it feels every bit like a reinactment of my childhood. I went through so many scary and painful experiences. I needed help so bad to deal with it, but nobody was there to help me. When these episodes happen in therapy, I feel incredibly hurt, and then angry. After that, depression and feeling hopeless set in. The end result is always the same: I feel numb, like a robot just going through the motions.

Thankfully, these "episodes" have been happening less and less often the longer I have been in therapy. And with the exception of this rupture, we have been able to resolve things in a shorter amount of time. I think this indicates progress. But this time, it felt worse than it ever has before. The numbness has lasted much longer. This time, talking about it isn't bringing about a feeling of resolution. I feel like this last rupture was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I told my h and my t yesterday that I don't think my attachment and dissociation issues are fixable. I think they are irreversible. I don't think therapy can resolve them.

I said yesterday that I'm tired of getting triggered and going around in circles with my t about what support I need from her, and what she can and can't provide. I'm tired of doing therapy work that leaves me unstable and needing her help midweek, and then not being able to get it. I feel hopeless, like that spark of hope has finally gone out. During past ruptures, no matter how bad I felt, I still had an urgency to see her and for us to resolve things. It made me sick that we were having problems. But this time, I can't find the motivation to fix things between us. I feel discouraged, so exhausted and depleted. I just don't want to try anymore.

I also told them both that I am not blaming my t. I know that because of my issues, I need more outside support than the therapy framework provides.
But I can't help it. That's what I need. I wish I didn't. I HATE needing help to start with. But for whatever reason, I don't have the inner strength to do attachment, parts, and trauma work without needing that extra support. So I'm done. I just can't do it anymore. I just end up being retraumatized again and again, and it's not good for me.

[velcro003]

wow, kudos to you for being so brave!

can't wait to hear more about this session...

[peaches100]

I wanted to add something...

The reason I said that I don't blame my t is because she HAS been trained in trauma work, and she HAS worked with me coping skills and grounding. But I STILL can't manage my own "episodes" when they happen outside sessions. They happen much less often than they used to. But when they do, it's AWFUL!

One of the biggest lessons my t and I have learned over the years we've been in therapy is that I can't tolerate more than a few bites of painful work without becoming overstimulated and overwhelmed. Even with having learned coping skills, it is just the way I am. My t did tell me that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and that people like me are affected much more deeply by traumatic events and feel emotions much more deeply too. So I don't know if this is why therapy feels so hard and painful for me or what it is. Or if it is just that I've had so many traumatic events in my life that I am just too screwed up to be normal.

My t and I have had to, at times, step back from the deep work and go back to working on coping skills. We have tried to reduce how much pain we allow to come up during sessions. We have worked on containment. I think my t has done the right thing by doing everything she can to try to build up my inner reserves, so to speak. So I don't think the fault is that my t doesn't know how to help me in session, how to teach coping skills, relaxation, etc.

I really think the problem is with me. My diagnoses and complex multiple issues make it impossible for me to heal within the normal framework of therapy. An hour a week is not enough to address everything we need to. An hour isn't enough time to: (1) get relaxed enough to start opening up, (2) allow the painful memories or experiences to arise, (3) talk about them, (4) use coping skills to manage the painful emotions, and then (5) pack it back up into a neat little compartment until the following week without anything leaking out midweek.

I'm grateful that my t has worked with me on coping skills and relaxation skills. I've taken DBT too. I told them yesterday that the problem isn't that I don't KNOW coping skills. I KNOW them. I KNOW how to use them. I KNOW why they need to be used, and I AGREE!

But it does not matter HOW MANY coping skills she has taught me if I get triggered and dissociate, and my normal "adult presence" disappears. If I get into that "place" where I'm in a dissociative flashback or whatever, I CAN'T FIND the part of my brain where the coping skills are. I CAN"T FIND the part of my brain that can use those skills to calm me down. I've tried to explain this to my t, but I think she forgets. Or maybe it's hard to believe.
Maybe it sounds like a copout. But I am 100% serious. In that state, I need my t's help. I don't know what else to do.

This is why I want to give up trying to heal my attachment and dissociation problems. I don't know of any other solutions. We've tried everything. If my t doesn't want to be bothered midweek to help me when I get dysregulated, or if she doesn't believe that it is therapeutic to do so, or should be necessary, what else can I do? When these things happen, I end up feeling like a dog at the table begging for scraps, and I feel ashamed for how I am. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I'd rather feel emotionally starved and go without what I need than to keep feeling hurt and abandoned like this.

I AM NOT FIXABLE.

[velcro003]

I honestly think you need to look hard at trying a non-talk therapy for some of these issues. THere are a lot of options, and may be better at getting you out of this same trauma pattern you are in.

[rainbow8]

You ARE fixable, Peaches. I believe that you are, and I'm sure your T does too. I agree with Velcro. You have been telling me that your T has recommended SE for a long time now. Do you think now is a good time to find a T who is trained in it? Even though your T is trained in trauma work, and is an excellent T, that doesn't mean you can't heal more with someone else.

[AllHeart]

Sounds like therapy has run its course, at least with this therapist. I think there is strength in being able to see the growth you've accomplished along the way as well as being able to recognize that the therapy with this t has now come to hurt you. Good for you for taking the action that best serves you.

Maybe you don't need to be fixed. Maybe you just need to find ways to not let your quirks/issues, etc. keep you from living your life to some satisfaction.

I think sometimes we think we have to "fix" all the issues we have so that they are totally gone, but that probably isn't realistic. I think most people have flaws, quirks, handicaps, challenges, that aren't fixable, but most DO find the work-arounds to those problems so they can still do what needs to be done.

Rather than say "I'm unfixable," how about saying "How can I work around this problem so it is manageable and I can keep reasonably functioning without it always being a focus for me?"

[feileacan]

Is there any particular reason why you couldn't have two sessions per week? There is no objective reason why therapy should be conducted only once per week, especially when you clearly would need more.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by feileacan

Is there any particular reason why you couldn't have two sessions per week? There is no objective reason why therapy should be conducted only once per week, especially when you clearly would need more.

I agree with this. I only do one session a week, but my therapist is open to coaching between sessions- this allows me to catch myself before I get too out of it. I previously did therapy with a therapist who didn't do coaching between sessions and I was very badly retraumatized by it. I have improved so much with the coaching, and am so much better at taking care of myself and staying present.

I think you could really benefit from a therapist with a different approach.
And I know it's not for everyone but I have found yoga very helpful, as well as the whole mindfulness/meditation thing.

[Shazerac]

I'm glad you have the insight and courage to stand up and say this isn't working for me!

You know what you need more than anyone else.

It sounds like you had preverbal trauma too. I was just talking about this in Anastasia's thread. It's memories from the past of fragmentation because for an infant, it was life or death. It's a survival mechanism. If we didn't feel intense fear and pain and cry out, there would be little motivation by the mother to tend to us.

Therapy brought those intense feelings out in me, too. Incredibly painful stuff. I know what you mean by feeling depleted. Just as a small child would give up on crying out for help because no one ever came.

During a triggered moment like this, I feel genuinely scared and sometimes like I'm losing reality or going crazy. It feels like something life-threatening is happening to me.

[Calilady]

Peaches,

You are fine just the way you are...only a few behaviors to work on. As far as your T, you don't have to stay with one person who offers you a certain perception, level of awareness, etc.

You can leave if it's in your best interest. Sometimes, leaving a painful situation is for the best. We learn to accept the pain and grief that comes with loss and we begin to endure instead of building up a fortress. I was deeply attached to my T (not with her nearly as long as you with yours), but I can see the benefits of leaving now. It took some time and healing had to happen, but it is happening. It's there and I can feel that I'm on the brink of something wonderful. This being on the brink could not have happened had I stayed isolated in a painful, retraumatization that reenanctment was bringing up. There was victory in walking away from a situation that FELT much like yours- and I felt much like you do now- and I'm glad I did it.

You don't have to quit therapy altogether. You can go with someone new or take a break (although that would have felt like limbo for me and not worked). Go with what you feel is right...what your gut says. That may tell you to stay or go, but listen to it.

My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to be so raw...so needing that attachment figure. It is very painful stuff.

[satsuma]

Maybe it would be useful to consult with another T, just for one or two sessions, about the situation you are in with T1 - just wondering if an outside person and perspective would be helpful.

I totally get what you mean, about feeling that it truly is a life threatening situation. I feel like that too, and I've had episodes like the ones you describe, of feeling totally abandoned.

For me, it's not 100% fixed, but it's much much better - the episodes happen much less frequently (there was a time before I came to therapy when this happened almost daily, certainly several times per week) and now I would say it's a few times per year. It does feel really terrible and life threatening when it happens but also the emotion comes down more quickly. So I guess for me what Lolagrace says really resonates - that this can be about getting to a place where it is manageable, rather than completely fixed. My T said something similar as well- he said we could think of it as something like living with asthma. You're never going to not have the condition, but it can (hopefully!) be brought under control so that it's not having a big negative impact on day to day life.