Couch 155: The International Operator

I am having nightmares and panic attacks I stopped my meds for a couple of weeks to see if i felt better. I am back on them. nothing helps.

One more thing before I get off the Couch...

Halloween Oreos!



Trigger (horror/scary)

BCM - sorry to hear that. I hate having nightmares.

Seems like there's a lot of couchies out here tonight so I'm just going to squeeze into the corner as I need some quick advice....

My past 2 sessions with T haven't gone all that well as I feel like she's not been happy with anything that I do. My session is on Tuesday afternoon so I need to cancel sometime tomorrow to avoid paying a cancellation fee.

I just don't know what to tell her. I want to say that I want to take a break and will see her the next Tuesday. But I'm afraid that she's going to want us to talk it through and will want more of an explanation. I'm sure she knows that she's been a little hard on me. Any suggestions on what to say? Do T's mind when we take a break? I know that she's not going to make the money, just not sure how much she depends on my session money every week.

I'll admit it, a part of me wants to be vague so that I can see if she'll show some concern... And I'll probably be pretty bummed if she just says, "ok, no problem!"

UGH...I hate making decisions like these. I should probably just go....

I take breaks whenever I want. I don't ask the woman's permission - I don't think you have to give an explanation or defend the decision. I would just email or call and cancel and say I will see her on X date. That is all you have to do.

Can you call voicemail and just leave a message that you need to cancel and will see her the following Tues? That kind of voicemail would probably not generate a return call from my Ts.

That's my "avoidant" side speaking.

Would it leave you wondering about T's reaction? Or could you wait the week out to see what happens at the next session?

I am in the midst of a break right now.. the first one that I decided to have, not just missing a couple of sessions because t is out of town. In my case, t did want to talk about it.. just to make sure I wasn't pushing him away, because we kind of had a rocky summer relationship wise. He was all for it and replied to some emails encouraging me that the therapy break is therapy it's self (isn't that a t thing to say? Lol).. It has been hard in one sense but freeing, and enlightening knowing I don't NEED to see my t once a week.. I do just fine on my own, I just still see it as beneficial.

Morning couch... or night couch
You told me that seeing T for support is totally okay.
But I can't see him all my life?? Well I can lol, but I mean a "long life". He got tired of me already.
I'll never be "normal" and ready for quitting. But I'll have to leave him...

So... Why prolong the agony?

Because things do get better. My T told me the goal is not to aim for happiness. The goal is being content. When I stopped judging my life in terms of happiness, I realized there were some good things. And looking back where I came from, I have improved. I've also been trying to not look too much at the future, but trying to be in the present. I try to find things I'm grateful for each day. Some days, I might only be grateful for things like food, or a bed to sleep on (which for me is huge because I was homeless at one point).

But things have gotten better. One thing is my T. Our relationship isn't perfect, and like you, I don't feel I deserve her. But she has helped me so much. And she might be one of the first people in my life who hasn't abused me and/or abandon me. She just might actually stay.

My goal is (was?) to survive. That's all. I don't care about the future... But I can't be in the present either. T says I have to take meds to survive, but the problem is - I don't want to survive anymore. This reality is too strange. Not bad, but strange.

I know T feels helpless. And I know he blames himself for misdiagnosing...
But he can offer me his support. But I don't deserve it.

I'm not sure "normal" is the aim here.

But the goal of therapy is "leaving therapy", no?

I don’t think that always has to be the goal, no. My therapist talked about his own therapy on occasion. He made no qualms about how he’s been in therapy 30+ years.

The goal of therapy should be different for everyone. My goals are different than yours, I’m certain.

Capt, reality can become better.

I found this blog, this article some time back. How they escaped: https://somaticstrength.wordpress.co...would-be-dead/

TW for all kinds of abuse on the blog in general

Hang in there capt... I know it's awful and feels like torture

((((BCM))))
((((capt))))

Had another fight with my parents yesterday.
Capt: I'm going to leave you.
Parents: So you're going to pay someone? You'd better pay us. Where do you go?
C: I won't tell you. And I won't pay anyone. I'll just leave. Forever.
P: Phhhh

I really want to do it. I have no money for rent, but I don't care.

*hugs Capt*

I really admire your courage in making plans to leave. I have no money for rent and am too afraid to leave.

I really hope you feel so much better when out of the toxic situation you're in, and that things start looking up for you.

Here's a photo I took this morning

If I leave, I'll never see T again. And I'll lose my job.

*hugs* no way to leave but be in the same city so you've your job and T but are hopefully away from toxic family?

My office is too close to parents' apartment. About 10 minutes walking...
I really have no money. And I don't want to go to work and pretend that I'm fine.
I'm done. And I should be brave...

*hugs* It sucks that work is so close to the parents' apartment. New job somewhere and homeless shelter?

No. The only exit is to hell.
And I'd better stop spamming the couch

*hugs* write away if it helps. You matter and you deserve to be heard, and to be supported and cared about *hugs*