Couch 155: The International Operator

Ohhh

I might be tempted to say if you still need twice weekly after a year the fault is with the T.

Not you.

But then that's just an opinion, from a person who likes to hold Therapists accountable.

Capt, if I lived local to you, I'd hug you.

I'm sorry even your bed isn't safe and that you have to hide in the toilet. It sucks that you live with terrible parents.

T hasn't called... the clinic closed an hour ago...

Might be, I guess. It is what it is. Life happens and no one is really to blame for that I guess...

I'm so sorry

I don't remember if she told me whether she's away on a work course or not.

And you know she wishes I didn't record sessions... honestly how I cope when I have to wait weeks is by listening to the recordings so I don't call her more than I'm "allowed" to. She says I undo work inbetween sessions due to my mistrust and other schemas and yet having the recordings HELP me fight that mistrust schema distorting events, her words etc precisely because I can clarify what happened via the audio.

I'm sorry QM

My parents aren't terrible, they are just... parents.

Oh my god this was my family's pet situation precisely

I'll disagree with you because I thought the same of my parents until I started getting to know some online people who are parents... And I see their ups and downs on parenting on Facebook and I used to tell them some of my family dynamics...

...and your parents, the little I know of them, are worse than mine. Truly.

My mother didn't care that my sister could have been in an exploitive relationship that was sexually abusive.

Yours blamed you and enabled things.

I know we're hardwired to attach to our parents, to idealise them, make excuses for them, defend them. We are. I'm not saying I find it easy to criticise my parents too.

But your parents aren't good parents. Simply on account that they not only didn't believe you, they blamed you. They didn't protect you. I'm sure they're emotionally abused too, as well as emotionally neglected. You only feeling safe in the bathroom is a proof. Because I only feel safe in T's office too.

Fish dying ever so often? We've houseplants too. The live ones are dead due to not having new soil, fertiliser etc. The only ones still green are the fake flowers in the apartment.

The fish as a compromise between pet-wanting kids and pet-hating parents. They even made us use a bowl and not a tank to basically guarantee they would die quickly. My mom was always saying how much she hated animals... whenever we went to someone else's house and a pet approached her she would look at it with total revulsion. Trigger for animal abuse: I just don't understand.

Omg, we had a tank but they HATED cleaning it out.

My mother looks at furry animals with revulsion. My dad used to have dogs when he was young but I've witnessed his father
Tw: animal abuse


Your mother is... what's that cruel countess name is 101 Dalmatians?

The weekend wasn't the best- it sounds odd but studying was always the one thing I was good at. I forced myself to not be alone and headed for public spots to make sure i got something's done and i'm proud of myself.

The mother said something that made me
cry which I'm trying to forget about when I said that I needed therapy and felt suicidal.

Things with R and me aren't the best. I sent him an email in friday asking for my tuesday slot back. He hasn't replied despite me asking for an acknowledgement. I sent another message on skype. He saw that but didn't reply. I'm tempted to just tell him that I don't want my tuesday slot back- just so that I wouldn't have to pay him. I have exams coming up in less than 3 just after christmas- don't think i could lose him right now but we're not working out at the moment. Maybe we just need space i don't know.

School wise I actually had fun in internal class today. Classes are held in the hospital but this one is in the doctors office. Just the 7 of us sitting on his
sofas- then we go around on wards. We were talking about heart examinations. Staring with pulses. The girl next to me offered me her wrist the first thing i noticed were the old cuts. I didn't say anything but gave her a side hug. Maybe she knows or maybe she doesn' t but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable so i said nothing. Next we had chest examinations on a real patient. Her sleeve rolled up slightly showing another angry scar. It just made me feel sad that she knew what it was like I guess.Shes a very smiley girl and always joking around but I never noticed the long sleeves before until today. It does change the way i see her now and i would lying if i said it didn't. But it just makes me want to look out for her more than anything.

Cruella!

On fish, in my experience they can actually be very difficult pets to maintain and keep alive, unless you are willing to spend a great deal of time, money, and energy on them. They are not a good compromise pet. Hamsters or gerbils work out much better.

What do you do if you get up way too early and can't go back to sleep? I went to bed at 11, got up 4:30 and lay there until 7 when I had to get up! I can't take this.

I want to email my T but it won't help.

In reading The Soul of an Octopus, I was struck by the intense care that aquarium staff gave to every single being under their charge--literally staying up all night to watch over a fish in distress.

When that happens, I get up and make coffee, make the most of an early start to the day.

I have a goldfish... It's around eight or nine years old. An ex-flatmate moved out and left it in my care... I'm a terrible fish owner. My anxiety makes it very hard for me to clean the tank. It keeps on living, anyway. It's an extremely hardy creature. I honestly think it could survive an apocalypse.

...and yes, I feel guilty for how bad I am at caring for it. I have made various attempts to pass it off to someone else. No-one wants it. I think I might be stuck with it forever. The immortal goldfish.

Poor thing.

I read until I can fall back asleep. But what you describe 11 to 4:30 would be for me a long period of time to sleep.

Youre in a house, right? You can at least make noise. My neighbors would complain if i started vacuuming then. Otherwise i would DEFINITELY vacuum more...

You could paint, you could surf the internet. You could even shoot an elephant in your pajamas. I always have a book in bed, if only on kindle.

Sorry for all the dumb jokes. I am on high anxiety alert until the maintenance guys come in to change the ac over to heat. Assuming they DO do it today.

Thats what i call a catnap.

I do multiplication tables in my head. I rarely get past the eights.

If it's really bad, I get out of bed and read or listen to soothing podcasts while cuddled up in a blanket on the couch until I fall back asleep. The worst thing for me is getting into a stress loop over what time it is and how I should definitely be sleeping or else I'll be tired tomorrow.

I loved that book so much! When I was in Boston, I made sure to go check out the octopuses at the aquarium.