Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Today was a weird day. I was in the mood to talk to you like a friend, but I felt too flat to really go deep. It seemed like I was too flat to go deep. I felt kind of distant, but the distance was between me and myself, not between us. Thanks fir goofing off with me between the deeper moments you made me feel. I know I'll have a million of thoughts in the next 2 weeks, but I'll bring more to the next session. Thanks for making me think.and I still gotta laugh that you seem just as germophobic as me.
Just thanks for being you.

T, why am i so unsettled from tonight's session? just bc we did something different? because i don't really care about hte MBTI as much as you do? I don't know. Either way I was so angry, but I DID email you that i was! that is something, right? I hope you write back to reassure me that it is okay, bc i've never expressed anger towards you AT ALL in the 2+ years we've been together.

I still wonder... Were you hinting t something? Did you try to make me ask you for the hug I am craving? I wanted to badly. I felt like you were trying to get me there. But, you can't imagine how hurtful the no would be... So I didn't. I've craved this all my life. I got denied this thing all my life. another no might shatter me, and I'm scared.....

I'm going to take a risk and send you this that I just wrote to a friend and would normally never ever let you see, because I'm mortified at having these thoughts. Please know this is NOT at all coming from rational adult me...

"Need to take meds soon and sleep. can tell am spiraling. Really really upset right now thinking that C (you) is home with his family -- you know, the people he actually cares about and wants to protect, including his actual kid who gets to literally be a kid, so he can literally protect him."

I'm pretty sure I can never look you in the eye again after sending this, but if approaching this rationally isn't working (as I said in my previous email), then I have to try something else. So I'll try to emotionally... but I'm also trying not to let it escalate into an emotional 'crisis' desperately trying to 'find the connection' like it has in the past? So ...rational and emotional in one email? God I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

IDK I'm rambling. I'm going to go force myself to sleep now.

Yes, we will talk again and track the magic. As long as you remain willing to do the sporadic thing, I can (and shall!) make it work.

The majority of my work is through at the emotional level, trying to reach implicit memory zones. It is risky, it is hard, and it can be very healing.

It can also be a disaster if with the wrong T. I hope your T responds in the way that you need him to be.

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for that one statement, I think I'm getting closer to another level of things with you. This might result in us changing our closing, again, and this time for a good reason.

I so do love you and your care of me.
-me

Arrogant and ineffectual is a terrible combination.

Omg you were right there are ones that want to hurt people. I am a little shocked

You said 'Take care of yourself'.

I'm afraid that gets pretty hard when one support system is incapacitated, and you are unavailable. I'm trying to be grown up about this, but given the absolutely excellent timing, it is really, really hard.

I could deal with one or the other, but both....without you?

**** that.

Dear S(upervisor) I woke up feeling really sad. Give me a helping hand over sadness mountain won't you?

Hi T,

Thx

(I'm switching really fast between hating and loving you, am I not... )

If my feelings aren't a good gauge of reality, then what is? Your feelings? Whatever you tell me reality is? Because that's what S said, and it turned out that my feelings about reality were actually dead on.
Aren't I supposed to trust my feelings? Trust my perceptions?

Bluhhhhhhhh