Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Hi T - Missing you...

Don't ever make me go back to weekly...

Make me go back to weekly, please. Lol.
Two weeks to wait. Including 10 day holiday at home with my parents. Not sure if I can handle it.

Hi T...
Please be gentle with me today.

Me...

Let us know how it goes.

If today had been going fine I might have emailed you to say hi seen as this is our usual therapy day, but as it's going utterly s*** I'll leave you alone. I'm not going to moan at you during your break.

You've been gone long enough. Please come back. I miss you.

Dear T,
Nervous about seeing you in an hour...maybe partly because of the dreams? Since I feel I should at least mention them to you... And I know we'll probably discuss potentially terminating with MC more... Plus I have this feeling I'll be emotional since I was holding stuff in over the holidays (well, aside from a bit in the middle of the night Christmas Eve). And I've only really cried (beyond just tearing up) in front of you a few times, so I'm still a bit nervous about that. Of course, I've come in feeling all these emotions and then not cried at all (both with you and MC), so that could be what happens here. But part of me also feels I want to be able to let those emotions out in front of you, because that means I trust you.
See you soon,
LT

They think we're the strong ones, because we ARE out in the world. THEY are just projecting their fear that they dont have a place in the world, onto us. Its our payback for surviving in the wild, without succumbing to the will and whim of the pack

Thank you T

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I felt really connected to you and like you really "got me." Which of course scares me... But it was nice, too. And thanks for not seeming weirded out about the dream or anything. I think that led to a good discussion about stuff with my mom.
Appreciatively,
LT

Surviving in the wild.... I like that.

Ex-t used a metaphor sorta like that last week. Said the past 6+ years was like she and I had hiked the Appalachian trail together (recalling how I'd told her one time that in my youth, I had dreams of actually doing that). I miss her today.

Hey T--I haven't remembered my dreams in FOREVER. I suppose sleeping for two days straight might add to the chance that I might. Another classic, that spanned what felt like hours and hours of sleep. There was an insane serial killer on the loose where me and some friends were staying. Sort of a summer camp type place, cabins on a lake. We were all having a good time when suddenly police cars and fire trucks rolled up and they told us a serial killer was on the loose at the camp we were at. And that he had killed at least 90 people in the last few days

then it was terrifying becaues this camp around a lake was HUUGGGEEE, and despite all the police and troops they brought in, there was still a million ways for him to not get caught. I was hiding out in a cop car, terrified of being murdererd. That sort of transitioned into the hisotry of this serial killer that spanned decades, and it was all sort of crazy.

sigh.

its been a rough week. i really really hope you have an appointment available on tuesday.

I enjoyed receiving your out of office auto response. It was nicer than nothing. I didn't tell you anything about my recent struggles but perhaps you'll infer it. Love you

I see you tomorrow
AND Friday

That's all

dear pdoc,

please please *please* behave yourself while t is out of town for the next three weeks. i really need you to be calm and regulating and non-offensive, and to avoid saying ridiculous s#!it that pisses me off... i know that these are not things you do reliably, but i'm asking you to man up and stop being a weirdo until t gets back.

(i'm gonna hafta figure out how to say that to him at tomorrow's session... i'm comfortable being straightforward with him re: how his actions make me feel, but i don't quite have the 'nads to say, "look, pdoc, can you just man up and act like a normal human for the next three weeks kthx" verbatim)

-c

Thank you agreeing to a remote session this week. It makes getting sick so much less stressful for me. I don't mind being sick, but I can't stand the idea of missing a session (nor would I want to get you sick, obviously). Maybe we could get used to this, and, if I ever had to move, we could do therapy long distance.

V,

I have no idea what I want to talk to you about in the morning.

We'll probably talk about chili or gluten free macaroni and cheese or how cold it is right now. You say this is a way you subtlety build rapport, but I'm bored to tears with it.

It's not fair to compare you to RoboT, so I won't. But the thoughts are in there.

See you tomorrow.

I sing this to you:

but of course you'll never hear it since you don't really care for music.

ha there's one reason i shouldn't miss you. how on earth could i want someone in my life who "doesn't really care for music"??!!

Current T is like that, too! He said it's just never done anything for him. Which mystifies me, as someone who has always loved music. I want to be like, "You just haven't heard the right music!" and make him a mix tape (er, playlist?). But I suspect it would be futile...

Dear T,
Feeling all warm and fuzzy about you right now, which is simultaneously comforting and freaking me out...
I keep wanting to sign "love" but that's not the right word, because I'm not there yet, and almost wish I won't get there, but I also know myself (and if I do get there, I know better than to tell you),
LT

T,
a little wants to tell you about what happened at xmas. She is desperately upset and afraid. I understand the need to let her talk. It has to happen sometime. But is that just an avoidance of the thing that needs to be done in the next few weeks? Is it an exaggerated attachment cry to stave off the overwhelming feelings of that?
Or, is it truly awful and real and present and needs to be addressed? Will you be compelled to report it? I can't tell if it is a serious thing (I don't think so) or a non-thing. How do I know??? And how can I figure it out if the consequences of disclosing could potentially be devastating in themselves?
Easy? Don't say anything??

ex-t, i am so angry with you by the way because you said we could do a sand tray together, but then whever i asked about it you puti f off, and now there's no chance anyomre, bwhy couldn't you just be ****ing honest with me and say that you dind' twan tto or that it was not approspriat or whatever? why'd you just string me along with it i amdo so mad!!!!

right? i have so many song lyrics in my head it's ridiculous!! and they all mean something to me!

What I'm trying to say is, I need you. Bad. But I can't see you for eight more months. This sucks.

I think it's good I will be seeing you tomorrow. The **** has hit the fan. Bad things. My behavior has been almost all good this past week... but for the wrong reasons, I think. Now that I'm back on my own without the family breathing down my neck, my desire to emulate a not-crazy person seems to have fled. Feel like it's just been building up. Not good, T, not good.