Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Thanks, I think you're right. T is very different from MC, in multiple ways. Clear boundaries are one of them. I've also talked to T about my fears of getting attached and how he'd react, and he said we'd work through it, that he wouldn't just drop me. I asked if it was possible to have a healthy attachment to a T, and he said of course.

But then I have trouble understanding why *he* wouldn't worry about it...like why would he want to deal with that? Why not just take on clients who don't have the whole background of attachment to male T's? But then...I mean, I don't think I'm *that* scary...maybe he just wants to help? Maybe he actually likes working with me?

You aren't scary, LT
Your T can handle your feelings
I agree -- it's ok to get attached
I'm still learning this as well, and I still get SO scared. It's going to take you some time

Maybe because he is committed to helping you? Because MANY people have attachment issues (raises hand), and honestly nothing you've talked to MC about in regards to feelings has been *crazy.*

Thanks, TMC. I think it's just hard because...MC seemed able to handle them for so long until, apparently, he wasn't...So it's like, what if that happens with T, too? What if I let myself trust him and then... I know you're going through something similar, so it helps to know you understand...

I do totally get it
When C suddenly changed his email policy earlier this week, I was immediately in like a flashback to when S left, and I literally sobbed "no no no this is S all over again no." That fear doesn't just disappear. It's ok that you are scared - it makes sense that you are scared.

The truth is, trusting him IS a risk. But, T is not MC. They are different people, and you are a different person than when you started with MC. So, the same thing can't happen - because nobody is the same here.

But, yes, it is still a risk. As C tells me, relationships are always a risk.

True...I think what's so difficult about the stuff with MC is that he was able to hold so many strong feelings of mine...until apparently I crossed some sort of invisible line, and then he couldn't. And T talks about how MC is psychodynamically trained and thus more familiar with transference and the stuff around it...so I worry that if it develops for T, he will be out of his depth.

I think maybe part of it too is how in the beginning, he seemed more...I don't know, detached. Like I didn't get the sense he tended to get as connected to his clients as MC or even ex-T. But then, just the past few weeks, I've felt really connected to him. It's like there's something different in how he interacts with me, particularly as I'm leaving. This probably sounds silly, but his "Have a good Christmas," just felt so warm to me. And then his recent lengthy response to my e-mail... and how he's been the past few sessions.

Maybe my first impression of him was just wrong. Maybe I put too much weight on ex-T's comment about how T had once said to her, when she seemed stressed, "Don't work so hard!" (they used to work together). I took that to mean that T didn't care about clients as much as ex-T. But then, when I mentioned that comment to T, he said he had no memory of saying it, how it was probably just some random thing he said without much meaning. (It's entirely possible, too, that it was more ex-T--who has basically admitted to countertransference--reacting to my seeing someone else and trying to share negative stuff about him...)

And an e-mail he sent a few weeks into my seeing him made me think that maybe he was just an arrogant d-bag...I think it's just confusing seeing how he's proved that impression wrong. Like, could he actually be this really caring guy who will be there for me as much as he can, within his clearly defined boundaries?

Thanks for this. How did C change his e-mail policy? I think you may have said something about him wanting you to contact him less, but didn't explain what the change was. Is he actually limiting you? Or just saying he hopes you can cut back? MC saying I needed to cut back on outside contact felt like a knife in the heart...because multiple times, I'd asked him about it before, and he'd always said it was fine, that he just couldn't guarantee how quickly he could read or respond (if at all, apparently...). I'm still not 100% clear on what crossed the line about a month ago (he said it "bothered" him that week, but had not in the past...)

Though I guess I've managed not to do any outside contact with him for...(consults calendar) 26 days...

Man t, I am so glad you remember myths and stuff so well. The one you told me last night was so on target with my own work I can hardly believe it. I'd of thought you were making it up as you went if I hadn't had the faint tinglings of knowing I'd heard it before. I took a mythology class in college, that might've been where I heard it. Or maybe it was with my shamanic group like you speculated. Or maybe it's in WWRWTW. I dunno. But I know I'd heard it before. The cool thing about these old myths is that you can apply them in different ways huh. like whatsername (I won't even attempt to remember it) being my shadow. I'm gonna look for a book about it.

You know what else I really loved about last night? When I got out my phone and looked up what Walpurgisnacht is on my phone and read it to you and how the look on your face was the same one I felt on my own haha. You were so excited about that entire dream from the first bit on - hooked immediately at the first few words "A haggard old woman came to the door...." haha. Funny that I'd read the word Walpurgesnacht somewhere or other, no idea where, so that I recognized it when it came up in the dream. All I knew was that it was some kind of festival. but it fit the dream.

on the way home today I was thinking that I need to spend some time deciding if I'm going to go on this ride I've apparently been chosen for. And then I remembered what you said last night about it. You said "You've already bought the ticket" as if there was no turning back. And maybe there's not at this point. That I've already been chosen for it or something. Whatever "it" is. I have already "bought the ticket". Now to figure out what this initiation is all about....

oh and t? what you said in your email this morning about tracking the magic? Yes, we will. Without a doubt. Because there was magic in the air last night. There truly was.

Thank you for being you. There were times when I questioned our work together. There were times when I questioned my choices, when I questioned everything.

But now I can see that you're exactly what I need. You always were. It just took time for me to see clearly.

But, didn't MC back off about any sort of individual sessions about your feelings after you talked about loving him? Or am I making that up?

M.

I’ve been thinking about this since Wednesday. I feel so stupid and small.

It’s been overwhelming. The things that have happened through the holidays.

We hadn’t talked for 2 weeks and I came to your office with that STUPID pillow that my mom told me to go and get.

It’s so fragmented as it all came out at one time.

I feel so so ridiculous remembering/seeing me sitting in that chair across from you with lama socks on.

I don’t have words.

I feel like a kid talking to an adult, telling on people who hurt me.

Maybe that’s a good thing. ? I don’t know.

Maybe it’s good that a part of me feels confident enough to be honest with you.

I do remember saying “It feels like I’m listening to someone else talk.” I do remember that and after that it gets really snapshotty.

Thank you for being who you are and working with me as you do.

I always feel safe with you.

im still in shock at you yelling at him, "waddya mean, 'i got two minutes and dont talk, just listen!'? No way, José!" I need therapy to get over that! I still cant believe a man gave up part of a football game. I really cant believe what a wimp i am

But seriously, I think there is an opportunity here for you to show some gentleness towards MC. How do you think he felt when you lit into him? How do you think he felt about you? I think he thought that you cared more about winning that argument than about whether he got to watch his game - which is to say, you cared more about your ego than his comfort. Then you say you cant trust him - but really its mc who cant trust you. Thats how i see what happened there, anyway. But nobody ever agrees with me, so...

It's just hit me how much I have hidden from you in the past year and a half. I didn't mean to, I swear. It felt like small things, unimportant things. But I'm realizing that they were a LOT of small things, and none of them were unimportant. I'm going to have to tell you the truth when I see you in August. Promise not to hate me, please... I won't be able to handle you telling me that you don't trust me anymore. That would break me.

FM,

I will see you in the noon hour.

I just read your email and the wording, "Let me collect you at noon," is what my parents would say when they dropped me at the nursery for shopping. Too funny.

Gah....

Thinking about sharing 'the song' with you on Thursday, but even typing the lyrics is setting me off. And besides, we only have an hour, and a hell of a lot to cover.

The mission this week is to get the stuff to behave, so that I can make it through the 15th.

I think the session will end up looking a bit like this:

1. This week's triggering event
2. 'Once in Awhile'
3. The 15th.
[4 - my song?]

I don't know. First session back after a break is always hard, first session before an anniversary is hard. With so much to discuss...it's hard to tell what is relevant, and what isn't. But I think we can get to my song later, if I still need to.

Heyyyyy... You there still

Wow, good memory...yeah, that was a couple years ago. He claimed they weren't related, but, I mean, the conversation where I said, "If I love you, is that OK?" and he said, "That's OK" was, I think, on a Friday, then he was weird to me the next session, then we talked on the phone that Wednesday, which is when I was requesting an individual session. And that's when he was really harsh to me and told me no. And when I said how much it hurt, he said something about how pain is part of therapy, or something to that effect.

After discussing it for part of several sessions, he finally admitted that he never should have offered the "my door is open" for individual sessions at all, that he realized it was a mistake as soon as he said it. I don't think he ever truly understood why it upset me so much. And for him to just say "it was a mistake" seems a copout...I don't think he ever actually apologized, which would have gone a long way...

So maybe he's just weird with expressions of love from clients--or at least from me--even though he says they're OK...

What? And hey, I'm a big football fan, and I was giving up part of a football game, too (though it wasn't my team playing at that time). But I assume he has a DVR and could have hit pause. Or if not, he could have opted not to call me. Or he could have said, when the conversation started getting longer, "I'm in the middle of something, can I call you back later?" I wasn't tying him to the phone. Plus, I'm his client--I'm not supposed to care about whether he's comfortable. He's told me that, how the caring should just go one way and seemed bothered that I cared about him (like when I found out his wife was sick).

I think his team lost that game anyway--I was sparing him.

Hey t. I hope my quick email this morning was ok to send. I promise I'll leave you alone now til I call to schedule again. I'm not looking for "something for nothing" I just really wanted you to know how much Thurs evening meant to me, that you didn't try to schedule, that you showed me what I wanted mattered.

Dear Dr. S,

At this moment, I am very worried that things will be different when I see you on Monday. I keep thinking back to the talk we had about "what if something bad happens to you" and my perception of you during that portion. I'm now scared to talk to you about it. I am afraid that you will be angry with me.

love,
me

You are my greatest mentor and teacher, as well as companion on my therapeutic journey. I am very lucky.

(Post I was responding to has been deleted)

Hey t, your response to my email was perfection in the most simple form. One little emoji, that imparted so much. I just need a little more time.... but I will be back.

Yah, ya coulda kept it up - it applied to my previous post also. Thanks for keeping me in line! LT - Sorry i got outa line

We all let our hearts lead our heads sometimes and I've been guilty of saying less than supportive things on here too