Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

I find that the more time I have to "do nothing," the greater the chance that my assessment of the current therapeutic relationship turns to me wondering if we are "okay". Intellectually, I know we are but some feeling within me feels afraid. You've spent five years being consistent, with us being consistently okay, so I don't get why that part of me has so much trouble with it. I am trying to be compassionate with this part of me and will see how this works while I am cognizant that I am doing this.

No, actually, what he did was email "I'm changing the rules. Phone calls are now free. Call me as much as you want."

I know most people would be overjoyed by this. It panicked the crap out of me, because I thought he was changing a well-established practice-wide policy for me. Anything that singles me out like that or communicates "you're special" now scares me because of S.

In my session on Thursday, he said that his ultimate goal for me is to need to contact him less -- as in "I want our relationship to be so solid that you don't need to contact me, because you have internalized me and our relationship."

That said, I am still struggling with thinking "His goal is for me to contact him less, so I should push to contact him less." Except he also said it frustrates him when I force myself to not contact him - his rule is and has always been I can contact him as much as I want. It's just, phone calls and texting were always paid for... now we decided phone calls over 15 min will still be paid for.

Thank you for clarifying what this change was. I too was a bit confused. My T does not charge for any out of session contact and never has (with me). She does not have a clear policy on this that I know of. I moved with her from a clinic to private practice. When we started in the private practice, the only thing she gave me was the HIPAA documents. My T insists that I can contact her as much as I want in email or phone. I do think this is part of the internalization process for me as well as starting to believe that maybe someone will be there for me if I need help. That it is ok to ask for emotional help, what that looks like in a healthy relationship, and how to receive help and not feel bad about being a burden or intruding into someone else's life.

I can see given what has happened with your ex-T how the encouragement of more contact might be a stressor for you. I think he is trying to help you see that you can trust him and not everyone is like your ex-T. I'm glad you were able to come to a more common place of the 15 mins concept around a charge on a phone call. I think that is a good compromise. I think this new T is doing a pretty good job with you so far.

oh, and regarding the "being special", I recall someone posting here about their T telling them that they loved them. At a later time, they asked their T about this and how their T couldn't love all of their clients, over the years. And the T said, that the client was correct but she needed to be loved, hear it, and feel it. I do think a good T will provide as much for a client that they feel the client needs, they themselves are comfortable giving, and that they feel is helpful for the client; recognizing that different clients have different needs.

Hey Jerk

Hope you have a ****** weekend, just like I am

Why do u build me up buttercup baby just to let me down and mess me around and then worst ofall you never call baby when u say u will but I love u still.

T, I have decided I am not coming back to see you.
That is all.

Dear Dr. S,

Ok, I have moved to the hide all of these thoughts from you, you don't need to know part of my cycle. It's ok that you had a reaction or that I perceived you had a reaction. If you did, you will deal with it outside of our sessions; you always have. I don't need to intrude (see - I don't need to get hurt if you choose to use boundaries as a reason to not talk about it). It is better that we just move along from here. Yeah, I know... a rule, maybe some rules are good?

love
me

Hi T.

My nightmares are back. Also I keep waking up in high alert mode, just because BF moves in his sleep or whatever.

It seems like you can’t win with my head.

I'm sorry for all the emails.

I really don't know what I'm doing.Please don't hate me.

Hi T,

Not doing well. I need you.

You know the bad thing? You couldn't even help.

Am I really a me? I can't seem to hold the positive you for more than a few days. This is humiliating. I feel like I should be able to overcome this, but again, I feel like I am not in control of this. I question whether I am really angry about being attached versus me just saying I feel that way because I think I should. I feel like I am losing my mind. I want so badly to find my way but I can't seem to see a path. I feel so alone. I don't make sense.

I can not believe I still miss you and want to hug you, why do you have this hold on me? I must actually be crazy

Dear MC,
I deleted the recurring appointment with you on my phone calendar last night. It used to comfort me seeing it in there, but I hated that it showed you coming up as my next appointment (even though we're not seeing you Monday), so, deleted!
LT

When I'm tired I miss you more. I wish I could just cuddle you till I fall asleep.

I so hate sounding like a broken record, but the last few days have been rough. I'm really struggling to find a reason to keep living. I've had two nights of can't-stop-crying level despair. I usually email you when that happens, but I didn't. I want to email you now to get my thoughts out of my head. I hate myself. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do. Please help me.

yo t. i was thinking today at work and did a little writing about my thoughts on what you said about "sacrificing our ego needs and wants to what the Self would have with us" towards individuation. I'm thinking that before you can do that, you have to consciously experience ego. and also begin knowing that Self and maybe it's not so much sacrificing one to the other, but maybe a joining of the two? Like ego has to be conscious enough to participate? Interesting stuff, t. I'm going to do some more reading about all of this before I come back so we can discuss it more.

eta: i'm sure i'm completely wrong in all of this right now. you only barely began to scratch the surface of the surface the other night.

I like being silly with you

the world is starting to feel surreal. I haven't even been here a full 24 hours and I am walking around like I don't know where I am or where the real world is. Is this a normal experience or is something more going on with me?

The headache just won't go away.

I feel bad bothering the nurses - I want to take care of my body, myself. It would be easier if they'd let me do the care.

(FYI PC crowd - I'm in the hospital due to infection in leg)

C,

I don't know what to say.
I only know that I want to say something.
The "little" part of me is clamoring to hear all of the comforting things you say.
But the rest of me feels disconnected and uncertain.
About so many things.

im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im so so so sorry

See ya at high noon....

I miss you too much.

Do you dislike me after reading that email? Do you think differently about me? I was really angry. I'm afraid you think bad about me. Why do I even care? I shouldn't care. You're just my T. You will leave me eventually. You only talk to me because you get paid. You're all just liars. You are. PrevT is an even bigger liar. I don't care what you or she said. You're just T's who get paid to deal with me. And you will get sick of me. I'm not getting better.

good god T. why on earth am i so angry after today's session? i stormed out of there like a petulant child and i don't even know why.

I wrote this, but never sent it, the night I left our appointment unstable:

"It’s easier to be small. To deal with that part of me’s pain. The little part of me can be soothed by just the idea of being held and comforted and reminded you are there. But, the hurt adult? The hurt present me? What is there to comfort that?"

~~~

Rational TMC has reasoned this out:

What you were saying tonight is "I feel protective towards you when you are vulnerable." Just like I feel protective towards my husband, or my friends, or even of you when I know one of you is vulnerable.

Is this (above) correct?

To move further towards "parts speak" -- you are saying "The protective part of me feels protective towards the vulnerable part of you." And you, yourself, have a vulnerable/child part that also wants protection sometimes, etc., you are not just one big protective part (although I think I like to think of you that way).

Is this (above) correct?

But, what I heard is this: "I feel protective of children, but not of you." Or "If you were still a child, I would want to protect you. But, you aren't a child and can never be one again, so I don't feel that way towards you now that you are an adult." Actually, I quite literally felt in competition with "someone else" and that "someone else" was my own child part...

I heard you speaking of my "child part" as a completely separate person from me.

I guess I didn't realize that's how I felt about or towards 'parts.' Logically, I understand - there's one me with different aspects. And I realize that I even said to you that it was helpful for me to be able to talk in 'parts.' But, now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong, because maybe it actually increases the "separation" / "it wasn't me any of this stuff happened to" idea that I'm trying to break through and undo. I'm not sure.

~~~

I want to return to my question of "is it a problem that I'm spending so much of my therapy focused on our relationship?"
I was expecting an easy "no, it isn't a problem; so much of the work we are doing comes from our relationship" or something like that. (This isn't fair to you, but the question is actually coming up because of a situation with a friend that's going on right now w/ her therapist. Watching a friend go through the hellish struggle that is having to consider ending a multi-year therapy relationship because it's just not the right fit anymore both triggered my memories of that grief hell with S as well as a desire for reassurance from you that that wasn't happening here. That you are OK with my focus on our relationship.)

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'd like to rephrase the question: is it a problem for you that I'm spending so much of my therapy right now focused on our relationship?

It is not a problem for me. Though I realize that a relationship is not primarily built by talking about that relationship but rather by experiencing it, because of what happened with S and how that has impacted me (and since working through what happened there and the damaged it caused is a therapy goal), I feel that talking about our relationship is actually a really important part of the therapy. Because, I am aware that many of my feelings are really some sort of weird "therapist transference" (is that a thing??) and it's like I'm working out my feelings about and impacted by S through working through my feelings about and towards you.

Would you agree with that assessment? (above)

And since we keep coming back to therapy goals (which is making me anxious, because I'm worried you are bringing that up because you do not think I am progressing and/or because you think I have side tracked away from my goals.... i.e., I think you're bringing it up because I'm failing to meet them).... let me just put it in writing.

1. To work through what happened with S and the damage it caused. This is still fresh/active for me, and I'd like to work through it as a primary goal so that it doesn't become old, engrained damage.

2. To process the traumas from my past so that they are "just memories" but are also "my memories - not someone else's" and do not intrude into my everyday life in unexpected, difficult-to-identify ways.

3. This is almost just "2a." - to process the things from my past that are not necessarily traumas, but that still shaped me as a person, some of which have shaped me in maladaptive ways that I would like to change.

4. To keep my parenting and marriage (my primary and ongoing important relationships) on a healthy path and address any issues ASAP to avoid any longstanding damage.

5. This goes with #3, but... to address my eating and body image issues. I'm not sure if I want to stop tracking my food, but I would like my life and my happiness to stop being governed by the number on the scale.

We can revisit the goals, but now I have them written down so that I don't have to scramble to try to remember them in such a "well-worded" way.

~~~

Last but not least...in any way...

I hate feeling disconnected from you. I know you can't singlehandedly fix that -- perhaps all the power lies with me, or perhaps it is shared. I'm trying my absolute best to break the cycle we identified a month or so ago and NOT let this escalate into some crisis before the connection is re-established. But, I'm not sure I know how to do that. I keep coming at it with logic (see above!) as if I can reason and rationalize myself back into finding the connection again. But, it's not working. I don't really know how to come at it another way.

The one thing I know is this:
I felt most connected with you when we "Opened the S box" during that visual exercise and you walked me through that and were clearing witnessing/experiencing it alongside me.

I feel most connected and secure about our relationship when I get reassurance and comfort from you. I'm going to be honest... I don't want to hear "I feel daddy feelings towards your child part." I want to hear that you feel them towards me.