Couch 158: The Newberry Couch!

Thanks for the pocket riders. Session went better than I'd expected (OK, that's not saying much, as I expected it to be a disaster). Lots of awkward silences in the beginning, me having trouble looking at MC (I sat in usual seat), me holding a pillow in my lap as a sort of psychological barrier, lots of my playing with my beaded bracelet that I took off. It felt like he was really trying though. Not being defensive like I expected him to be. I think he could tell how wounded I was

By the end, somehow he was considering the possibility of doing a couple individual sessions with me in the future, which is something that was a giant NO for the past couple years. We did a couple when I first admitted transference to him, and at the end of the second one, he'd said "My door is always open to you," referring to individual sessions. When I tried to go through that door a couple months later, he was like NO and really hurt me in how he said it, eventually admitting that his offer had been a mistake. So this has been something that's been off the table for a long time. I've brought it up once or twice, to be shot down. On the phone call yesterday, he'd apparently thought that was what I had been requesting, which was part of why he'd been objecting so strongly, when, no, I very explicitly (like...in an e-mail) had asked for a phone call. Once he realized that on call, he was like, "Oh." (As most of you likely know, he's certainly given me plenty of phone calls...some as long as a session.)

So...it's quite confusing to me that he's now considering this. Maybe I said the magic words or something? H said today he's fine with it, too. MC is worried about potential harm to me...but I said, what about potential benefits? I mean...clearly I haven't resolved the transference, so...shouldn't we try different methods? He didn't seem to understand how my talking with him about it is different from talking to T about it...when I thought it was fairly obvious...Anyway, he's supposed to think about it between now and next session.

Apparently, your husband being in prison and therefore unable to even use insurance benefits does not count as a "life change event". A legal separation or divorce would do the trick, but I'm not emotionally ready to start that process yet. I guess I have to keep paying for him.

Apparently, your husband being in prison and therefore unable to even use insurance benefits does not count as a "life change event". A legal separation or divorce would do the trick, but I'm not emotionally ready to start that process yet. I guess I have to keep paying for him.

LT I honestly don't mean this as an attack but just as a question- but I know words on a screen may come out differently, but why does the transference need to be resolved per se and not accepted? You've opened up your heart and mind to someone you trust. It seems natural that feelings of love would take root and that MC would be seen as a father figure because you have unmet needs.

Not that you asked, LT, so sorry to butt in, but I think more individual sessions with MC are a bad idea. It is further proof of his inconsistency, which up to this point has hurt you. Why would this be any different?

And I don't know...Maybe some screwed up part of me just wants him to give in on this issue--this has been a sticking point for a long time, so maybe it's like I just want him to give in, I don't want him to have all the power (even though I know he'd have that in a session with me...)

*Well, at least in the past--but he still says some calls/texts/e-mails oare OK, just less than before, yet he refused to give me a number, or even a ballpark, of what would be acceptable now...and apparently he was only bothered by the e-mails/texts in the past week, but not in the past (and I only kept e-mailing/texting him this week because I wanted him to answer one ****ing question that he wouldn't answer--could we arrange a phone call? And then...OK, if no...was he going to bring my e-mail (the love one) up in session today or leave it up to me to decide? I told him today that I'd just wanted that answer, and he was like, "Oh."

This is the kind of stuff that i feel could lead to a breakthrough, if you could talk about it with him.

Hm, good point. And I wonder if this ties in with something from my past, something where some other authority figure (parent, someone else) wouldn't budge on a certain, seemingly arbitrary, issue...

Social cues question:

Client I work with (and have a slight crush on) has invited me out to a social gathering that's sort of a women-who-code (in very specific languages) thing.

It's really so far from being my thing -- first, I hate groups of all kind. Second, anything that's specifically geared as being for women (or men) pisses me off (to make matters worse, this one calls itself ....Ladies). Third, the idea of a social gathering with a bunch of people I don't know (and this one person I don't quite know) bugs me no end. Fourth, it would never occur to me to go hang out with other people who work in the same professional arena (I avoid everyone working in the same area like the plague).

But, like an idiot, I said Yes enthusiastically (because somehow my brain takes a while to say No, if at all).

The other part is -- she is a client and so, it's hard for me to say No to social invitations (it's the unspoken professional rule kinda thing).

I don't know how to get out of this -- telling my boss would be pointless. He'll say it's frickin' awesome that she's been offering me all these invitations to hang out. That it's fantastic client-side relationship building blah blah (stab-my-eye-out-with-a-fork kinda corporate nonsense). And, that I should really just suck it up and go and better still, learn to be a more sociable person (I have been told I'm not).

On a personal level, I don't want to sort of diss her -- I do like her and enjoy her company. So, I'm not sure what the No would sound like to her...

Or, maybe I'm vastly overthinking this (as is obvious, I get very very freaked out at most normal social interactions).

Is this the one you had dinner with last week? But were too tired to really be social? And she’s still issuing invitations? I’d go just for that.

Think of it as networking?

(Although, like Harper Lee, “Ladies in bunches always filled me with vague apprehension and a firm desire to be elsewhere.”)

Social cues question:

Client I work with (and have a slight crush on) has invited me out to a social gathering that's sort of a women-who-code (in very specific languages) thing.

It's really so far from being my thing -- first, I hate groups of all kind. Second, anything that's specifically geared as being for women (or men) pisses me off (to make matters worse, this one calls itself ....Ladies). Third, the idea of a social gathering with a bunch of people I don't know (and this one person I don't quite know) bugs me no end. Fourth, it would never occur to me to go hang out with other people who work in the same professional arena (I avoid everyone working in the same area like the plague).

But, like an idiot, I said Yes enthusiastically (because somehow my brain takes a while to say No, if at all).

The other part is -- she is a client and so, it's hard for me to say No to social invitations (it's the unspoken professional rule kinda thing).

I don't know how to get out of this -- telling my boss would be pointless. He'll say it's frickin' awesome that she's been offering me all these invitations to hang out. That it's fantastic client-side relationship building blah blah (stab-my-eye-out-with-a-fork kinda corporate nonsense). And, that I should really just suck it up and go and better still, learn to be a more sociable person (I have been told I'm not).

On a personal level, I don't want to sort of diss her -- I do like her and enjoy her company. So, I'm not sure what the No would sound like to her...

Or, maybe I'm vastly overthinking this (as is obvious, I get very very freaked out at most normal social interactions).

Social cues question:

Client I work with (and have a slight crush on) has invited me out to a social gathering that's sort of a women-who-code (in very specific languages) thing.

It's really so far from being my thing -- first, I hate groups of all kind. Second, anything that's specifically geared as being for women (or men) pisses me off (to make matters worse, this one calls itself ....Ladies). Third, the idea of a social gathering with a bunch of people I don't know (and this one person I don't quite know) bugs me no end. Fourth, it would never occur to me to go hang out with other people who work in the same professional arena (I avoid everyone working in the same area like the plague).

But, like an idiot, I said Yes enthusiastically (because somehow my brain takes a while to say No, if at all).

The other part is -- she is a client and so, it's hard for me to say No to social invitations (it's the unspoken professional rule kinda thing).

I don't know how to get out of this -- telling my boss would be pointless. He'll say it's frickin' awesome that she's been offering me all these invitations to hang out. That it's fantastic client-side relationship building blah blah (stab-my-eye-out-with-a-fork kinda corporate nonsense). And, that I should really just suck it up and go and better still, learn to be a more sociable person (I have been told I'm not).

On a personal level, I don't want to sort of diss her -- I do like her and enjoy her company. So, I'm not sure what the No would sound like to her...

Or, maybe I'm vastly overthinking this (as is obvious, I get very very freaked out at most normal social interactions).

The best solution I have found for my social awkwardness is to ask people questions. They do seem to really like to talk about themselves.

When is it? I'm hoping soon.

Ooooh ooooh I'll take a stab at this. Here are some options:

If this just happened, let her know right away that you realize you had a scheduling conflict and either a) can't make it or b) will try to do a quick drop in before your other commitment.

The benefit of b) is that you are doing your duty to fake it with the rest of the crowd but don't have to stick around for all the awkwardness. Plus, it gives you intel about the species (the Ladies of Mumbletysomething) and a friendly connection to your client.

The benefit of a) is that you don't have to stress ahead of time.

If pressed for information about your other commitment, you can say it's a family thing (cultural! haha)--that you can't get out of it. If you don't want to lie, just say it's personal and that you're so sorry you said yes without thinking.

If some time has passed, and you can't use the omg, I didn't check my calendar, then you'll have to go with plan B. Which I haven't yet thought up. Stay tuned...

The confusion and struggle in this footnote alone is mind-bending. I feel slightly ruffled by it, and I have never even met MC. I guess I'm in agreement about wondering what resolving the transference would look like. It's like resolving your love for anybody else important in your life: it isn't really a thing. Part of being in a close, healthy relationship is knowing what the boundaries/expectations are and also knowing that you can really, truly rely on somebody. You can't forcibly make yourself securely attached. It's a thing that grows between two people with time and trust and a real connection. This seems especially true in a therapist/client relationship, which mirrors a parent/child relationship in terms of the power differential and the care flowing only in one direction. You can't make him be a secure base for you, so the attachment feelings are always going to be pure chaos.

Dammit, ATAT -- I thought you'd be strongly in favor of my being a grump.

Says the woman who pushed me to go to writers’ groups and ballet classes...

I'm just talking out of my rear end here, but does a person have to work out transference with the object of their transference? I mean, the issue is with the person/subject, not the object.

LT, do you need mc to work out things that are not about him?