Couch 158: The Newberry Couch!

I gotta say, I vastly prefer nausea from anxiety to irritable bowels from anxiety...

The past 3 weeks have been a lot of work stress. It's also a miserable feeling to be so anxious before therapy that I dry heave in the bathroom near the clinic (painful!) or have anxiety poop (ew!), and then she chimes me in and poof! I'm numb.

Maybe you could write it all down with examples of his behavior so it's less emotive and all your points get across and none are missed out. If he denied it completely and refused to admit his part in all of this then maybe it would be best to take a break.

Secure attachments can't be forced- but consistency is vital. I find his yes/no behavior leaves you not knowing what to expect and this creates unnecessary storms in you. Personally I don't think the need to be seen and connected is unhealthy, or inappropriate but fundamental in development. It was his responsibility to maintain out of session contact boundaries- he let it get to the stage it is now. Why is one week okay but not the next? You can't go from one extreme to another- one psychiatrist I saw briefly said that I could contact him out of sessions three days a week from 6pm to 10pm. I just feel he creates instability when you need him to be someone stable.

I found this opinion piece validating: https://www.them.us/story/cutting-ti...y-is-self-care

I already have minimal contact with my abuser brother and parents though we live in the same apartment. It will be a glad day when I no longer need to see their faces each day.

My mother demanded my partner's mother's contact number and I refused, saying that they'll consider it rude (yes, my partner felt insulted) and why they'd consider it rude.

She sent me a message expressing how she's "very hurt by [my] assumptions" and insisting that she only wanted the contact number in case there was an emergency at home and she couldn't reach my partner or me. I told her that she can absolutely reach my partner and me as we'll be contactable throughout my trip via either whatsapp, text or call...

There's absolutely no need to involve my partner's mother. Especially as I'm 28, and my partner is 30.

She hasn't responded yet and I'm dreading how she'll absolutely find some place to bring it up and go on yet another guilt trip about how she's just concerned.

I'm flying in 3 days and she still hasn't given me my passport... :/ It's under lock and key in her room, which is such an Asian parent thing to do... I'm hardly alone among persons of colour regarding my parents holding my documents, controlling access to mail (I don't have a copy of the mailbox key) etc.

It sounds like a lot to endure before even a session has begun.

*hugs* I've had the nausea for over a year, but lately it's gotten worse as I didn't use to dry heave before... :/

I think it started ever since I slowly stopped defending my parents to T, and stopped hurting myself in session or after session during/after discussions about my parents.

T said we used to just bang hit a wall about the topic, now I sometimes rant so damn much in therapy about them.

...I'll take the dry heaving over the anxiety poop now though! >.<

Hugs... I have that too actually... And yeah, it sucks big time. Sorry you're experiencing that too.

Hugs. It's awful, isn't it? Sometimes I wish we could simply bottle up that anxiety and hand the bottle of feelings over to our Ts...

That'd be great. "Here you go T, that's my brain. Please remove all the bad stuff and then give it back. Also, please take care to not cause some form of therapy hangover (because I'm having that right now and it sucks.)"

*hugs* once, I joked with T that it'd be great if I could just give her my brain and have her rewire it. Unfortunately that rewiring (supposedly) can only come about from repeated corrective emotional experiences out in the world...

Therapy hangovers are awful. Here if you want to talk <3 I'm on the way "home" from work.

Good one, Munie. I would love to be able to do that, although I think R would probably break character and end up having to say something like 'What the hell?'

I have a feeling my T would do that too Though if he has my brain, I'd probably not be concious, soo... No need for them to keep their T-Hat on? Hmmm...

Bleh, I really need to bring up intimacy / sexual dysfunction with my partner to T. Last session when she said "have sex", I was so uncomfortable (I'd said "when my partner and I get intimate...").

How to tell her that even the most ordinary gestures of physical intimacy with my partner, such as a close hug with clothes on, triggers involuntary anxiety trembling in me? That I've so much sexual dysfunction, I can't tolerate my partner attempting to give me pleasure (I guess I'm a stone butch?) and pretty much have to be emotionally numb?

Hugs. I wish I knew how. Maybe you could try writing it down? Or message her and then say that you'd like to talk about the messages you sent her that involve intimacy...

I doubt you'll be able to get this resolved before you visit your partner though... I think it's an important thing to bring up anyway [Says me, who's not even able to think those words in her mother tongue. lol.]

*hugs* I'll try. Texting T ...

My partner says we don't have to do anything but I know I'll feel like I'm a terrible failure if I don't "achieve" X or Y sex act since I know he really wants to experience them with me. Even though I've told him I'm broken and he says I'm not broken but traumatised.

Oddly I never think those words in my mother tongue, only in English! (I consider English my first language though as I'm much more fluent in it)

He's right you know.
Try not to pressure yourself, I know it's hard. Pressuring yourself will only make things worse though... It's ok if you don't want to do stuff because you feel uncomfortable. You can always do them another time when you've gotten to be more comfortable with yourself and your body.

Haha yeah Might I ask if you talk your mother tongue or english with your T? I've been kind of wondering for a long time

*hugs* you're right... he says to take my time, that there's no rush, that all he wants is for me to be OK...

I speak English with T though sometimes we exchange a short phrase or two (usually some idiom that's difficult to explain otherwise) in Mandarin Chinese (we're both Chinese). T says her mandarin sucks and I'm always like "you went to elite schools and I got put into the program for students with "exceptional difficulties" with Mandarin !"

Easier said than done, isn't it?

Haha. One of my english teachers once told me that "Using idioms in a language is one of the most difficult tasks - if you master them, you're good to go.". So - you can't be that bad in Mandarin. E.g. I don't know a single one in Mandarin

I know very few idioms haha! Mostly phrases I heard from my parents.

tw below for idiom justifying child abuse, mention of suicide

Uhhh... That's just so wrong.

That's my country for you My former pdoc kinda laughed dismissively when I asked if regular bruises from beatings were normal or abusive.

Eta: speaking about abusive cultural norms, it happens not just in Asian cultures yeah. Someone wrote a really good post on reddit's "raised by narcissists" about harmful cultural practices which would unequivocally be seen as abusive in western cultures, but would be considered "good for you, you deserved it" in said non western culture.

Extreme version of that kind of mindset leads to honour killings.

One analogy my partner used with me is "FGM is normal culturally in certain cultures and the parents believe it's good for the child even when there's so much evidence on it being harmful."

Alien sky

Hi, it's me... Back from T. He said I was looking good. Lol.

He got angry with something I said, but I know it's because he worries about me.

He said I should try another antipsychotic, but I don't know. I don't think I'm "ill" or "crazy" or anything...

I think I was distracted today. Dissociated maybe? I don't know. He couldn't reach me.

Was nice to see him anyway. And I'm glad to see lovely couchies here

I'm feeling extremely low lately. I don't think I can handle it. I think I'm gave up... But it's really cool that you guys exist

Always a good feeling when your daughter randomly starts screaming that she doesn't like you, then carries her bowl of Cheerios to a different room to eat them to be away from me. Sigh. And we were just having fun playing catch 20 minutes ago...

Perhaps I'm just exuding negative energy, so she had to get away from it.

What a cool pic, jDNA!

Morning couchies! Hugs/headnods all around as appropriate.