[Mouse_]

I feel really yuk right now, irritable, discontent and restless. Feel like I want to be rid of my body!

I know this HAS got to be because I have no T next week and I know this is a stupid thing to say but inside this voice is wanting to scream at T, " why do you do this when you know how much it hurts me?" I want her to change her mind and say "i'm sorry, I wont take a break" but then I guess its the same as the other week when we talked about not being flexible on times. What would happen if she were to give in to my anger and rage and pain and not take a break? would that really solve the problem? I mean what would happen on xmas and other holidays? shes got to be away at some point?

Its like if she would just change her mind and not take a break, I would be ok. Oh but somehow as I type this I think, Mmmm maybe thats not such a solution? I'd feel pretty depressed then that I would have stopped T doing something.

I'd feel then that she was resenting me because I wouldnt let her take a break? I wouldnt want to feel like that. But I guess what I'm imagining is T saying "oh I'd so want to stay with you" but then I wouldn't really feel comfortable with that either coz it would kinda freak me out. I'd feel she was trying to fix herself by fixing me.

So what is I really feel would help me????? I just bloody hurt and I dont want too and I don't know how to feel ok with this. I don't feel I have enought tools yet. I need T to help me and she aint here. catch 22

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((MOUSE))). I really am sorry that you are suffering at this time. I want to tell you something that I hope YOU will always remember Mouse. If you had one chance to do something that you have wated to do for a long time, would you want someone to STOP you from doing what you have been planning for a long time? I sincerly feel that you would not want someone to interfere with you having time off or a vacation when it is warranted and needed. Your therapist is not abandoning you or anyone else, she needs a vacation and a break to do things for herself at this time. That is very admirable that your therapist is TAKING a break to come back and be able to focus on her main career as a therapist, and possibly be a better therapist from getting a well needed BREAK>I can understand that you love your therapist and you are concerned for her welfare in being gone for a break but maybeyou should write this down to help you manage while she is away and try to shed a positive light that she will be coming back and she will be a better person for getting a break.Maybe you can do something positive and go get a nice card or two to share with your therapist for when your therapist comes back, so you can feel that you are doing something mature and nurturing for yourself, and improve the relationship between you and your therapist. Nothing feels better than being remembered Mouse when you are gone. Take care Mouse. Soidhonia

[Mouse_]

perhaps I'm making the mistake of believing she is the only one in this whole wide world that can help me? Perhaps I need to learn to find new ways alongside T to live my life? Perhaps Ineed to stop thinking about T and go cook my kids something to eat. *sigh*

((Soidhonia))juz cuz

[Soidhonia]

Mouse. That sounds like a good decision to me. Take care (((MOUSE))). Maybe after eating you can go shopping for a card for your therapist. Sincerity Always (((MOUSE))). Soidhonia

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Mouse_ said:
perhaps I'm making the mistake of believing she is the only one in this whole wide world that can help me? Perhaps I need to learn to find new ways alongside T to live my life? Perhaps Ineed to stop thinking about T and go cook my kids something to eat. *sigh*

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Oh wow Mouse, that really hit me-- I cannot tell you how much I relate to you in this sense. Sometimes I will come home from T or I'll just be in the midst of thinking about him, missing him, etc..... and realize that my husband is here. And I will give him a hug and realize that all along I've been forgetting that those are real hugs I can get from him... and that I can feel safe and taken care of by him. Sometimes it's really hard to see, but yeah there are actually others besides T who can give us that feeling. I spend way too much time thinking that T is the only one who can do that, the only one who understands me, the only one I can be myself with... etc... Take care. Make your kids something to eat. Doesn't mean you have to stop thinking about T. But allow other things (people) to fill you up inside.

[sunrise]

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Mouse_ said:
perhaps I'm making the mistake of believing she is the only one in this whole wide world that can help me? Perhaps I need to learn to find new ways alongside T to live my life?

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I remember at one of the early meetings with my first counselor, she said that I needed to develop outside resources of support. I said I thought that's what you were for. And she said no, she could not do that alone. I needed to have others in my life for support. So that was something I really worked on in therapy with her. It was very useful.

Yes, mouse, go cook your kids something scrumshilicious! Or better yet, cook something with them (if they will). My girls love to bake stuff with me. Wish my oven wasn't broken.

Mouse,
I can totally relate. When this happens with my T, it brutally reminds me that he is totally in control of the relationship and can decide when to see me and when not to see me. I also am reminded that he doesn't have as much vested in the relationship emotionally. Both of these issues stir up some major emotions.

Wouldn't it better if T's would say, I would like to go on vacation with my family, but I won't if it is going to negatively affect you in any way. I think I would be able to say yes, I give you permission to go (with a reasonable time limit) and not be so upset when he was gone, LOL. Of course, no T would ever abide by this because they would probably never go on vacation. I wonder if they miss us when they go.

Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone!

[ECHOES]

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he is totally in control of the relationship and can decide when to see me and when not to see me. I also am reminded that he doesn't have as much vested in the relationship emotionally.

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you are each in control of your part in the relationship; he is only in control of his part of the relationship and you are in control fo your part in it . but I understand how it feels that he is has more control.