One issue too many?

ugh, agree. that is ridiculous she took that turn and doesn't even make much sense in this context.

Hi all
I've been working with my T for more than two years now. She saw me through an escape from a toxic work situation, the ending of several lackluster and draining friendships, a refocusing on my health and weight issues and all kinds of spiritual growth. I felt safe and supported through it all. I am the kind of person who challenges myself to change and I've made so much progress that in some ways I don't recognize myself...in a good way!

But this week, things with T took a turn for the worse. I've wanted to work on my relationship status. I'm single and wanting to find a boyfriend. I had been doing some online stuff, then quit that over lots of dead ends and disappointments. It wasn't really a huge deal until a man wrote me a note at my work email saying he had seen my profile on the online platform. It was kind of a strange little note, somewhat opaque and I brought it up to my T. Kind of as an example of the general exasperated feeling I'm having about meeting men, dating, the world of online possibility but also the chances for misunderstanding and a sort of inorganic, disembodied hurt.

At this point, T launches into what she calls the Devil's Advocate. She explained how terrifying it must be to be a straight white guy in today's world, climate for dating etc. I was kind of flabbergasted as she continued to stress how women's anger might be causing this guy who emailed me to feel. I told her that I wasn't there for a session to engage around some other person's feelings that I had no connection with and how I was not in therapy to deal with the confusion and terror of white men at this political moment. At this point the discussion went completely haywire, ending with my long time therapist declaring that "with an attitude like yours, how are you going to be open to finding a relationship anyway?"

I'm completely blown away. I ended the appointment being angry and confused. My T suggested that we could decide to end the work together... another big surprise...or to have further discussion. I basically stumbled out the door, returned to my job and had a surreal afternoon.

I can't believe I'm at this point after two years of life changing progress.
Thoughts?

I would not pay someone to make me see the point of view of how hard white men have it these days.

That is so upsetting, and it sounds like her T costume fell off. I wonder if she will cool off, and then give you the "I am only human " speech? That trigger point was definitely about her, and not you. I am struggling with my T too. I feel like he was harsh to me, and he got very upset I felt that way, and it was more like real fighting in a real relationship for a while there. I am sad and confused , and have been for a few weeks. I hope your good relationship doesnt end over a bad moment, but the therapeutic alliance tear and repair is your T's job. I hope she comes through for you and makes it right.

I told my T that I'm not coming into therapy for others feelings as much as for my own. I am really sorry it all went this way, it seems like a departure from how therapy has been I don't need T to agree with me but I do need her to be focused on helping rather than blaming, T sounds like she made some blame statements. I wish yo7 luck.

Another woman at work recently went on a rant about the resurgence of feminism. She said “at what point do men say enough?” I think I did the slow head turn thing thinking “what the actual f???” I don’t know why we have to be so delicate around men’s feelings when women are approached or treated in creepy ways. If a guy approaches you in a way that doesn’t seem right I’m all for trusting your instincts. It’s not your job to give them a pass just because they never learned how to approach women in an appropriately and respectful way. I’m sorry your t revealed an ugly side to herself.

When I tried bringing it back to dating, all she would address was the fact that she didn't do online dating!

If she doesn't do online dating, I'm assuming that means she has not personally encountered: **** pics, requests for nude pics, being called a ***** because you start shutting down a conversation, being called picky / snobby / a prude because you don't desire sexual relationships with every other guy who visits your profile, etc. I don't do online dating either, and I do have a friend who met her husband via online dating and they are happily married with children, but these are things I've gathered from my female friends who have done this. I know it can lead to good things, but it's often problematic and certainly has its own challenges, especially for women.

Honestly my first thought is that she has a brother, son, or husband who had something happen to them that upset her, and she chose to take it out on you. Regardless of the reason though, there is a lot wrong with her response to you, starting with the fact that you're the paying client and you couldn't get a word in edgewise! Your therapy session is not her soapbox.

It went like this:
I didn't know you were on match but I saw your profile.

. . .
To be fair, I had my own rant during the session when it came to her comments about "if you don't like this then how do you expect to ever be in a relationship?" That's the part that really stung. I got pretty angry at that point.
. . .

This is actually pretty good "work", it seems to me. She touched a "touchy" point. Maybe "touched" is too mild a word, maybe she could have done it more gently -- well, she apparently couldn't, maybe another T could? Still. . .do you think it could be interesting to investigate what all is involved in your touchiness about this?

I don't have a clue about how to go about anything like that -- therapy and therapists never exactly did it for me. Just a thought, though.

And if you do decide to go back, no need to be too embarrassed or anything. It's their job, it's what they get paid to do, if you want to employ her services again, she said that you could.

Hi all
I've been working with my T for more than two years now. She saw me through an escape from a toxic work situation, the ending of several lackluster and draining friendships, a refocusing on my health and weight issues and all kinds of spiritual growth. I felt safe and supported through it all. I am the kind of person who challenges myself to change and I've made so much progress that in some ways I don't recognize myself...in a good way!

But this week, things with T took a turn for the worse. I've wanted to work on my relationship status. I'm single and wanting to find a boyfriend. I had been doing some online stuff, then quit that over lots of dead ends and disappointments. It wasn't really a huge deal until a man wrote me a note at my work email saying he had seen my profile on the online platform. It was kind of a strange little note, somewhat opaque and I brought it up to my T. Kind of as an example of the general exasperated feeling I'm having about meeting men, dating, the world of online possibility but also the chances for misunderstanding and a sort of inorganic, disembodied hurt.

At this point, T launches into what she calls the Devil's Advocate. She explained how terrifying it must be to be a straight white guy in today's world, climate for dating etc. I was kind of flabbergasted as she continued to stress how women's anger might be causing this guy who emailed me to feel. I told her that I wasn't there for a session to engage around some other person's feelings that I had no connection with and how I was not in therapy to deal with the confusion and terror of white men at this political moment. At this point the discussion went completely haywire, ending with my long time therapist declaring that "with an attitude like yours, how are you going to be open to finding a relationship anyway?"

I'm completely blown away. I ended the appointment being angry and confused. My T suggested that we could decide to end the work together... another big surprise...or to have further discussion. I basically stumbled out the door, returned to my job and had a surreal afternoon.

I can't believe I'm at this point after two years of life changing progress.
Thoughts?

Im not sure what type of approach she was trying to do. I can understand why you reacted the way you did. I think there are several ways to approach a subject and this definitely was not one of them. What led her to mention the whole ordeal of “ending the work together”?

The guy is not someone I know beyond knowing his name. He sent me an email at my work address but he does NOT work with me, he merely KNEW where I work and contacted me here.

These points make sense to me. I guess, for me, the idea that if I don't like Mister email, then how am I ever going to be in a relationship is just so clueless and unhelpful. I am having such a hard time today. I feel really hopeless.

That's creepy to me. Did he get your last name and employer from the dating app? Why would someone go to that much trouble to find an alternative method of contact, rather than just use the app? Why so forward, so fast? Icky. Sounds like someone with some pretty significant boundary issues.

I'm so very sorry you are having a hard time, and feeling hopeless. Even if/when you know cognitively it's not hopeless, necessarily, feeling hopeless to me seems like better evidence than anything I can tell myself.

I hope some of the feeling passes and you can feel some better soon!!!

If/when you meet the "right guy" it will then be obvious that all was not hopeless but of course you don't know for sure until/if it happens.

I thought I would never get married but then fell for a guy a work. I was the one who spoke first, in person. We had 24 good years until he died. So you never know. On both sides actually -- who will come into your life and when they will leave.

I agree with you- for reality testing - that I would NOT like a guy I didnt know using my work address. I heard lots of people speaking like your therapist today bc of walks. marches etc this weekend, and I find it pretty inexcusable. Your therapist might need a crash course in # Woke. I really hope she asks herself what she was thinking.

Some of us have grown up being told that what we think and feel isn't true or valid. It's a re-enactment to go into therapy and get the same.

I don't know...I mean, she gave me the choice, as in you could end the work together or we could use this as a topic to go on, The whole thing felt bizarre and a little like she was either firing me without having to take the responsibility of doing so or kind of letting me know that future discussion would need to be me, parsing what went wrong. Which might be good but I just left so angry and shocked. I feel really disoriented. I've slept most of the day. I am kind of fighting a cold but I also feel deeply destabilized. This board is helping me enormously.