[TrailRunner14]

My sense of this is messed up. Go figure that!

I like words and their definitions and when I’m trying to sort things out, I like to look up the word and words associated with it.

I was just working on this and something struck me.

I was curious if anyone else has felt this way.

Here are the words.

Attachment

Connection

Bonding

Affection

Why do all of these words have a feeling, to me, that I would owe someone something if I offered these words to someone?

It feels to me that it implies sex in some way.

Somehow it feels, to me, that something would be expected of me.

It feels like a trap.

A dangerous place.

Something that would be used against me.

I know this is not true, but I don’t know why I feel that way.

I can’t understand why.

If I can’t understand “why” I can’t figure out how to fix it.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Thank you for hearing me.

They use to scare me. Thsts because I was cut of from my own emotions. I could only intellectualise such words and their meaning.

The don't scare me now because my understanding of them in relation to Me is deeper.

[unaluna]

Thats interesting that you said that you would owe something to someone if you offered these words? Did you mean that, or that you would owe something to someone if THEY offered YOU these words? Either way, yeah i get it.

An example i have is when my t offered me - see, i cant even say "gave", and it was prolly ten years ago now! - a coffee mug as a transitional object before he went out of town, and i BELIEVED for at least six months that he would ask for it back at any minute. Thats OWEING someone for attachment. It was like it was ingrained in me. But it was definitely carefully taught.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

They use to scare me. Thsts because I was cut of from my own emotions. I could only intellectualise such words and their meaning.


The don't scare me now because my understanding of them in relation to Me is deeper.

Yes. That does make sense.

If I don’t know what the words “feel” like the definition sounds scary to me.

I haven’t experienced them as safety.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Thats interesting that you said that you would owe something to someone if you offered these words? Did you mean that, or that you would owe something to someone if THEY offered YOU these words? Either way, yeah i get it.


An example i have is when my t offered me - see, i cant even say "gave", and it was prolly ten years ago now! - a coffee mug as a transitional object before he went out of town, and i BELIEVED for at least six months that he would ask for it back at any minute. Thats OWEING someone for attachment. It was like it was ingrained in me. But it was definitely carefully taught.

Something similar popped into my mind after I posted this.

Why do I see the words as something I have to offer someone else?

I can’t see them as something that would be offered to me that I would feel safe in accepting.

If I did accept it and it was “ok” I do think I would be afraid that it would be taken away from me.

I understand this all too well. I have had those same feelings along with some serious questioning my worth when it comes to attaching to people. I feel as though I am contaminating them with my wrong-ness and eventually will lead to them giving up and me getting hurt. Again.

That being said, I am working through it and I am starting to understand what a secure attachment can be like and I can't say I hate it. I still frequently talk with my T about my fears and she has been extremely patient and understanding even though I frequently freak out and push both her and my girlfriend away.

I'm not sure that's helpful at all but, in summation, I understand what you're feeling. Hugs!

[unaluna]

Then to answer your question, if it was one - im twice divorced, no kids, and i have a terror of anyone expecting those things from me.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

I understand this all too well. I have had those same feelings along with some serious questioning my worth when it comes to attaching to people. I feel as though I am contaminating them with my wrong-ness and eventually will lead to them giving up and me getting hurt. Again.

That being said, I am working through it and I am starting to understand what a secure attachment can be like and I can't say I hate it. I still frequently talk with my T about my fears and she has been extremely patient and understanding even though I frequently freak out and push both her and my girlfriend away.

I'm not sure that's helpful at all but, in summation, I understand what you're feeling. Hugs!

I've always had this feeling that there was "something wrong with me".

This -

I feel as though I am contaminating them with my wrong-ness and eventually will lead to them giving up and me getting hurt. Again.

It was and has been a feeling like this. It usually ended my connection with anyone because of my own insecurities and not knowing "socially" how to have that kind of connection.

I'm so happy that you have a great T you can share your fears and feelings with! I am blessed with the same and I'm very thankful!

Thank you for hearing me!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Then to answer your question, if it was one - im twice divorced, no kids, and i have a terror of anyone expecting those things from me.

It is scary and causes me much fear.

I talked about it with my counselor last night and it was a very good feeling to voice it in honesty, and feel safety in doing so.

He understood, considering what we have talked about my childhood being like.

I think I was actually seeing attachment as being "attached" to someone.

Like "really" attached.

I don't know how to put it into words. I guess attached in a way that is not good.

Responsible for making them ok.

Attached, as if "chained" to them.

Attached as if "the ship was going down" and thee was no way to get off.

I think I've always seen it as a job to ensure safety for me, and I've never known what autonomy has felt like in a relationship with another person.

I have not been on the receiving side of attachment that was respect for me.

It always felt like it was their way or the highway, when I got old enough for that to really be an option.

I haven't felt like I had the right to make choices or do something that was "me" if it went against what they wanted. If I did that, any attachment that was as twisted as it was, would surely be snatched away from me.

So, he gave me a new word to dive into.

Autonomy.

I knew I had heard the word before, but I had no idea what definition to give it.

He gave me a picture definition that I can still see.

He described it as two trees growing in the forest. Each tree is sperarate, growing side by side, each is it's own self. As they grow upward, their branches intertwine and the shelter they form becomes "one" but they are still separate.

I thought that was really cool!

That's something that I have not experienced before.

Just wanted to share it here.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

My sense of this is messed up.

Attachment

Connection

Bonding

Affection

Why do all of these words have a feeling, to me, that I would owe someone something if I offered these words to someone?

I struggle greatly with these words and concepts. As a parent I feel like I act these things out rather than feel them. There are times where this "acting" becomes apparent and I feel like I am revealed as an imposter. I hope what I have been able to give my children is "enough".

But for myself I don't feel a connection to any of those things. At the core of me I am not worthy of offering them to another person.
This internal shame and unchallengeable unworthiness is one of the primary reasons I am in therapy. Intellectually I don't believe I am any more unworthy than any one else. But emotionally it is an undeniable truth of my being. I don't want it to be this way forever.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I struggle greatly with these words and concepts. As a parent I feel like I act these things out rather than feel them. There are times where this "acting" becomes apparent and I feel like I am revealed as an imposter. I hope what I have been able to give my children is "enough".

But for myself I don't feel a connection to any of those things. At the core of me I am not worthy of offering them to another person.
This internal shame and unchallengeable unworthiness is one of the primary reasons I am in therapy. Intellectually I don't believe I am any more unworthy than any one else. But emotionally it is an undeniable truth of my being. I don't want it to be this way forever.

Thank you for this!

I struggle with this so greatly!

I've always tried to be what was not for me, for my boys.

I've always prayed that they would not see through me. I have prayed that they would not know that I am being the part and so wanting to feel it.

It hurts me to type that. My hands are not mine.

I have tried so very hard to cover up and be what was not given to me. Sometimes, almost always, it feels like I am overcompensating.

I look in their eyes and there is something there that says they understand.

I love them more than life myself and I so hope they feel what I cannot.

I don't want to feel that I am not worthy.

I want to feel that I was cared for.

In my mind and heart that makes this all different.

There is healing in those words. It makes it not my burden of my making, if that makes sense.

Sorry...... I'm rambling.

Thank you AmyJay for your comment, it opened up what I was feeling.